90% of Life is How You React | Sky Bellarmine

What if I told you the worst day of your life could be the beginning of your transformation? Most people never recover from one trauma—todays guest survived a narcissistic marriage and a car crash so severe, doctors said she’d never walk again. But not only did she walk—she rose.  today you’ll learn how to reclaim your identity, no matter what life throws at you."

Tiffanie: Today's guest says that life is literally 10% of your life is what happened to you. The other 90 is what you do with what happened to you. And I absolutely love that this is true crime connections. I am Tiffanie, your host and this week we are joined by Sky Bellarmine. So sky, thank you so much for being here.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Thank you Tiffanie. So happy to be here.

>> Tiffanie: I love that outlook because it's true, we all go through life and something is bound to happen to you like nobody scathes, completely clear. But it's what you do with that that really makes your life.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Yes, absolutely. I've seen that in numerous circumstances and situations in my life as well as in others lives.

>> Tiffanie: Well, yeah, so you had 20 years married to a narcissistic person and then you also had an almost a near fatal car crash from a wrong way driver. So you overcame a lot.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Look at my life is a legs of a journey and I would say that using two legs is kind of a pun, you'll see why. But yeah, I was hit by a wrong way driver on the interstate. She was out running the police driving the wrong direction and she was planning to hit somebody that night. I talked with the Excuse me, excuse me.

>> Tiffanie: You're good.

>> Sky Bellarmine: I talked with the deputy sheriff and he said she admitted that she was going to try to hit somebody that night. And so I swerved but I couldn't get out of her way. She nailed me. And so the paramedics came to the scene and they decided to air ambulance me to the nearest hospital. I was in a coma and the doctors couldn't stop the internal bleeding. I was damaged. I mean broken arm, compound fractures, broken legs, broken pelvis, broken hips, broken feet. A lot of it was, yeah, they were, they had no hope and they didn't think I was ever going to wake up. But then when I did they said, oh well yeah, you're not going to walk again or use your arm, this arm again, ever? And I said well no, let's give it a shot. Let's go to orthopedic rehab hospital and see what we can do. And so you know, again I'm one of those people that don't tell me I can't do it. And so we, they air influenced me to another hospital at that point. And it took 12 surgeries and six years of my life, but I learned to walk again. And yeah, it was a journey, I could say that. And it, that learning to walk again was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It. Without, Without a doubt. So during that time I became motivational speaker and, and started working on some writing and just trying to encourage others. You know, it's not what happens to you, but what you do with it. You know, the whole 1090 thing. And, and so my orthopedic surgeon always laughs. It's like, sky, you're always trying to do something, whatever happens. So.


Tiffany wrote a fictional novel about being manipulated by a narcissist

Okay, fast forward into looking at the marriage I was in at the time.

>> Tiffanie: So you were married during this accident? Okay.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Yeah. And some of my, some of my friends have said, you know, that my ex, he just, he had the opportunity to have 100% control over me. AB. I mean I couldn't, I could, I had. Was non weight. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't walk, I couldn't do anything. And so they, what they said, my friends was like, well, he had complete control of you and then he just never let go. Just continue to try to control me the rest of the marriage. And, and so finally at one point, I, You know, after 20 years of that, I have such good friends. They. They saw me one day when he was out of town. We were all hanging out, having dinner and they're like, sky, you're, you're like laid back, you kind of, you're not stressed and you're like kind of funny. And I was like, oh yeah, thanks. They're going, well, what's going on? I said, oh my God, he's out of town. I'm not walking on eggshells. So then, boom, they told me everything. The, the cheating, the lies he was telling, all that stuff. So kid flying monkeys. People would carry tails around and gaslighting the rages. Oh, Tiffanie. I got yelled at like every day. And so two weeks after I filed, I was still stuck in the same house. I just asked him, I said, you know, you haven't yelled at me in the past two weeks. And he said, well, I finally realized that yelling at you is not the way to handle you. Yeah, he said that?

>> Tiffanie: Wow.

>> Sky Bellarmine: I knew I was doing the right thing. It's a, it's a tough journey. Divorcing a narcissist. I did start writing, journaling and all that. And then what eventually became of all that was Breaking Solace and Escaping Souls, the first two books in the, in the trilogy. It is fictional novel that became number one international bestsellers on their launch days last year and this year. And what's really fascinating, Tiffanie, is on launch day, a fictional novel. It is fiction. It's about a Young couple in California where I used to live and all that. It just has some reality in it because I know what I'm experiencing, talking about. And so it went from fictional novel to 46 self help categories on abusive toxic relationships on launch day.

>> Tiffanie: Wow, that is impressive.

>> Sky Bellarmine: I have friends that work in the psychiatric area, nurses and doctors. And they said the books were going onto the Amazon bookshelves where the psychologist books are that they read for their work. Like it's the authenticity, the reality of the story that is drawing people in. And psychologists have contacted me and I, like, I've yet to meet anybody who can't relate on some level to being in some type of controlling relationship.

>> Tiffanie: I know I've definitely been there twice.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Oh my God, it's, it's, yeah, it. And when you're in it, you don't realize it. I mean like, like the movie Gaslight from 1944, that's where that term came from. And it was very much. She didn't realize that she was being gaslit, like manipulated by a narcissist. She didn't realize that. And then somebody stepped into her life and kind of helped open her eyes. And that's what it took. For me, my friends pointed it out, I was like, what are you doing? Why are you staying in this?

>> Tiffanie: Do you think if they wouldn't have, you'd still be in it?

>> Sky Bellarmine: Possibly. I mean, a lot of them say, oh, you would have woken up at some point. I was like, I don't know, pretty beaten down.

>> Tiffanie: I think we all do though, at some point. Because even like in mine, like more towards the end, I knew, like, this is not right, but I was staying for the wrong reasons.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Right? Yeah, yeah, that's, that's what happens. And a lot of what enters the picture from what I've seen and what people have talked with me about, all that is, is the fear. You know, it's like you wonder like you have, you have nightmares and stuff like, okay, what's going to happen? And my ex was so convinced that I should get nothing. Like he told lies, he faked my resume, all that kind of stuff, to try to make it make me look different than I was. And he called my job a hobby and all that. Huh? And so, you know, I just, I thought, you know, if he, if I had ended up just living under a bridge, which I'm not, he would have been happy. And so it was really weird. I was coming home from work one day, Tiffanie, and I was at this red light and There was an overpass, there was a long haired blonde just standing there, like, just homeless. And I thought I was in tears because I, you know, just made me think that could happen. But, thankfully I have a great legal team and in my tribe. I can't tell you enough about friends and family surrounding you, getting your handful of people who would just walk this journey with you. And you can escape, you can. And you deserve to have a better life and to reclaim the life that, that you had, but even improved. Like, my, my sister is like, oh my God, I got my sister back. And my, my college roommate and other friends are like, oh my God, she's back. Like I was. I turned into somebody that wasn't me.

>> Tiffanie: Well, because you're always walking on eggshells, right?

>> Sky Bellarmine: And you give up all your hobbies and pastimes because they want you to always do what they do. And so getting back into that too.


What are your passions? And that's what I try to help people realize

What are your passions? And that's what I try to help people realize when I coach and do workshops and speak and all that is what makes you smile. Can you remember what makes you smile? And let's step outside, let's take a few deep breaths and really live in that moment and figure out what makes you smile. And then let's go get it. You know, let. Is it. It's what brings you joy. What have you let go because of this relationship you're in. Everybody lets go of something. Yeah.

>> Tiffanie: It's the other side of your life, the one that, you know, you were talking about that it. You seem like you could never do anything right. If you had a bad day at work, it was your fault. If he couldn't find his keys, it was your fault. It just didn't matter. Everything was always your fault. And that is exhausting.

>> Sky Bellarmine: It is, it is. You just find yourself. I mean, people see me as like a high energy person, but it just over the years. And then one of my friends during, well, during the divorce, while I'm still stuck in the house and living in the basement. Oh, yeah, it's quite a journey. She sent me a picture after the divorce. She sent me a picture of me during that time and I didn't even recognize myself. Like, there was, there was no energy. There was. Yeah, it was just. It wasn't me. It wasn't my real personality. And, and one of my, one of my good friends gave me this hat. And I love that hat.

>> Tiffanie: It's so cute. I love butterflies. So.

>> Sky Bellarmine: she's like, oh, my God, sky, this is your personality in this Hat. And I'm thinking, okay, either I'm flighty or colorful. I'm not sure which it is the colorful part. But, anyway, it's just walking this, this journey, I just don't want anybody to go through that. You know, the 20 years. We need to figure out how to get back to the you that you want to be. And I have. I have a program that I do, and I'm loading a free downloadable gift related to it onto my website called 20 Reasons why. And when I started the divorce process, one of my friends said, when you're going through anything like this, this is a big. This is a huge step and you have a whole team around you, but there's going to be a lot of ups and downs and there's going to be some really dark days. When you're divorcing a narcissist, there's going to be some really, really dark days. And so my friend said, you need to take a few minutes and write your 20 reasons why you're doing this. Why are you going through this process? And you need to send it to your legal team, send it to your tribe, let everybody know this is why you're going through this, and keep a copy for yourself because you're going to refer back to it. And boy, did I, many times. And so what came from that, Tiffanie, is realizing that that is a process when we're achieving a goal, making a change, overcoming a challenge, stepping out of an abusive relationship, all those changing careers, going back to school, planting a garden, decorating your house. I mean, whatever goals and dreams we have, it's the same mindset, mindset for success in the process and figuring out the why. So I coach people through the how, but let's step back a minute and find out back to what makes you smile, what's the why that you're going through this process? So I call it my 20 reasons why. And it's a. But it's a fun workshop. It is. It's very. It gets. It's deep because people are really drilling down into what's the root cause of, what they're experiencing and then figuring out how to step, how to walk through that and step beyond that because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And any. Anybody in abusive relationship, I want you to know you're enough. It's not your fault. You can get out of it. And just taking that step, that first step to build your tribe and start figuring out what exactly you need to bring back the joy in your Life.

>> Tiffanie: A tribe is so important. Like, that's why I've built a community with my podcast. Because we do need to be there for each other. So many of us have gone through this in one way or another, and there's so many different forms of abuse. So it doesn't have to be just one or the other. It doesn't matter even. Just, you need to get well. You need to love yourself again. You need to find you again. And that does take time, and you have to allow that. It took me about seven years to finally figure out who I was again.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Exactly. I mean, it was through the whole process, just during. Since I filed, and then going through that process and finishing that, and then, Then you're like, okay, wait, wait, who am I?


Tiffany talks about getting your past times and your passions back

You, know, it took me a while to talk about getting your past times and your passions back, Tiffanie. I remember sitting there one day because somebody said, well, what do you like to do? And I couldn't answer them. What did you used to like to do? I don't know. It's been 20 years. oh, wait, I used to play golf. Maybe we should do that again. I love to cook, I love to write. I love to play piano. I just. I'd given up a lot of stuff through the years because I had to always do what he was doing. So getting back into past times, I was on the golf course on Sunday with a friend of mine. a lot of laughs, I'll tell you that.

>> Tiffanie: Right.

>> Sky Bellarmine: The women's PGA is not going to call me anytime soon. It's just having fun again, being able to laugh out loud, you know, not taking. Not taking life too seriously. It's like, even when. When the first book was coming out and there were some delays on the launch date and whatever, and then the book launch leader was. Was interviewing me on, a podcast after that. He said, what was your biggest surprise? And I said, oh, my God, the process was so smooth. And she said, really? Remember there was some delays. I said, well, I wasn't going to bring that up, but she said, but you didn't get upset about it? And I said, well, why would I? That would be a waste of energy, tears and eyeliner, you know, like. And it won't change anything. I don't believe in coincidences. Things work out when and how they're supposed to, so. And then the rest is history. It went into all those categories, and hopefully people are reading and getting what they need out of it. There's a lot of research that went into the Breaking Solace trilogy. A lot of research. I didn't realize what all narcissistic personality disorder means. I mean, what are all the symptoms? And I read a book called Walking on Stop. Wait. Stop Walking on Eggshells. And I contacted the author and I said, I'm quoting you in my novel series. He said, oh, great. Would you quote my next book also? I said, absolutely.


Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Take this quiz

So going through the divorce, I did take that quiz. Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? He fit all, 30 boxes, like, total textbook. And as the intelligent empath, how did I not see that? How did I not see that, like, in Breaking Solace are based on reality. And, But I know, I mean, it's a fictional novel. It's a fictional. But how can we. I mean, what do you. What are your thoughts? How can we not see what's going on?

>> Tiffanie: I think we're blinded because either we've already fallen for this person. Usually when you meet this person, that's not who they are off the bat, because we'd be like, boy or girl, bye. You know, ain't nobody got no time for that. But they wait. And what I call it is the representative. So when you first meet someone, especially someone who's a narcissist, you don't meet them. You meet their representative. Well, that person can only hang out for about two, three, four months. Then the real them, starts to creep in. by then, you're pretty much already hook, line, and sink thinker. So then we start making the excuses for why, because they weren't like that. So we have to decide what are we doing wrong or what could make him who we want him to be. And we go down that line, and you cannot ever make a narcissist or anyone be who you want them to be or be who you think that they could be. Because every person on this planet could be amazing, but we're not all amazing. They're not all like us, you know, so. But, like, for real. So we have to stop trying to put what we think they could do or what we want them to be, because that's not who they want to be or they want to do. So. So it's not going to happen. You have to now look at yourself and be like, well, is this what I want to do? Is this what I want to deal with? And then that's when the real questions, you know, they start coming up. But it's not until we actually look at that, because we're still making excuses.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, well, and it was, it was interesting. You talk about falling forum, hook, line and sinker. So he put debate out there. So he grew up with a very controlling parent. And I saw that, I mean, even right away, I couldn't always be there exactly when the event was going to be happening or whatever. And he'd say, oh, well, you know, mom's not going to put up with that. And sometimes it'd be his dad, they were both kind of controlling. And I'd say, well, I'll see you when I get there. I didn't grow up with that kind of controlling atmosphere in my house. And so. But then at one point after we were been dating for a while, he said, can you help me not be like them? Like I wanna, I wanna learn to be more like you, like caring and that kind of thing. Like you didn't, I mean, you didn't grow up like that. I said, no, I didn't. Sure. Hook, line and sinker. I said, of course I'll help you because the empath wants to help, wants to fix. So then fast forward after I had filed and I'll made my pros and cons list and all that kind of stuff. And I asked one more question. I said, you asked me back in the day to help you not be controlling, to not have a controlling personality like you grew up around, but you do. And he said, well, of course I do. How else would I manage you? Like, okay then.

>> Tiffanie: Oh my God. He has the worst like reflection syndrome ever. Like it's, it's all about you. None of it is about himself. And that is a huge problem. Like listeners, anybody that never can see your side of the story or who is literally refusing to look at themsel in the mirror and look at their faults, run, Run like hell. Because I'll sit here and name you every single one of mine. How much time you got? So it's. Nobody's perfect. You should be able to call out your own.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Right? Well and every. And you'll hear this whenever we talk about people that have been in controlling relationships or narcissistic relationships about every six months, during that 20 year time span, I would just have had it. I had my bags packed one night, I was just leaving. He taught me out of it, like, okay, but about every six months I say, you know, I can't go on like this too much. You're yelling at me too much. And, and if I would get upset if somebody's yelling at you, raging at you for no reason, of course I would get upset. And he's like, oh, I was just kidding. You're too sensitive. You're too emotional. And even during the depositions, during the divorce, he would say that kind of thing. That, yeah, this guy's just way too emotional. Way too. Yeah. I'm like, only when somebody's trying to tear me down. Right.

>> Tiffanie: Which, I mean, I think is normal. Like, I'm human. I have emotions. I have a heart. I'm sorry you don't. But, you know, I do.

>> Sky Bellarmine: I mean, I know. And so when.


Scott says his ex constantly criticized him for things he did

And it was weird, I would always listen to him complain about his day or the way people didn't like him. He had no friends. And, he was always complaining that nobody even went. We. We pay out of pocket for him to go training into training about relationships and how to manage and all that kind of stuff and lead. And maybe it would have been worse if we.

>> Tiffanie: Did he say that all men are, like, jealous of him. I've heard that one. Like, Like mine didn't have any friends. And it was like, you want to know why? And if he did, they were all women. And it's like, okay, because they're looking at the candy out shot like the shell. Like, what's inside is rotten and moldy. So, like, oh, yeah.

>> Sky Bellarmine: He was always the smartest person in the room. That nothing could be done without him, that nobody could handle anything without his input. Well, so, I mean, he got down to it. Started to want to sell the house as part of the divorce, and they started doing the staging thing or what, you know, whatever the realtors want you to do. And. And he got all, Been out of shape. He said, well, I was just going to keep that. So I said, well, no, call your attorney, because we all agree you don't need this much room. And, you know, we're going to move and let this go. And so he comes. He did, and they said, okay, fine. Okay, so you're going to be doing the staging? And I said, yeah, I'm working on it. And then the next day, he said, scott, you're just not staging fast enough. I need to help you with this. He didn't lift a finger. No. But it was just another. Another criticism, another judgment, another. Something I wasn't doing right. I couldn't even do that right. I mean. And it just goes on. And one thing that he would say to me, because you can tell I like to talk, but he would. He would. Sometimes he would, and I'm not kidding, he would say, would you just stop talking you're making my head hurt so many times. So many times. And I, know people. It's hard to believe. And I hung around for that.

>> Tiffanie: It's all about control. They have to feel in control. Once that control has been taken away from them, that's when the toddler comes out. And they do not handle that at all like that. At all. They really don't.

>> Sky Bellarmine: That phrase, toddler, that's exactly what my turn. My attorney said about him. He said he's just throwing a tantrum like a toddler does.

>> Tiffanie: That's funny. Yeah, they do. They lose their man. It's like, oh, m. Yeah.


After the divorce, your friends went to visit him at a cookout

>> Sky Bellarmine: Over. Well, yeah, I spilled the, taco meat. I was trying to help put dinner stuff away. We had friends over and I just accidentally. M. Raged at me in front of their friends and everything about selling some taco meat with an accident. And then after the divorce, my friends were hanging out with. They went over to visit him and, you know, had a cookout or whatever. And. And they said somebody's built. What was it? Just some fruit, like strawberries or something. He raged at them like, I don't know. I don't. Is it. Is it a trigger thing? Is it. I don't know. I don't know what it is. But there's something that sets them off.

>> Tiffanie: After you were divorced, your friends went to hang out with him at a cookout.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Well, my sister was there and there were. They. They really. But he happened to be there. I know. Kind of a sordid mess. But. But he's still. He hasn't changed from what everybody's telling me.

>> Tiffanie: So they never will?

>> Sky Bellarmine: No. And even if they. When they do rage, there'll be times he would just start yelling at me. I didn't know what I'd done. And then he'd leave the room, come back a few minutes later as, oh, hey, I got your favorite coffee. You want some? I'm like, thanks. My point is, they could flip a switch. They want to make you happy, they want to make you sad. They want to just keep. Keep it going. Keep the chaos going.

>> Tiffanie: Roller coaster.

>> Tiffanie: Yep. They're keeping that roller coaster. Coasting still going.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Yeah. And they get supply. They get energy from that.

>> Sky Bellarmine: So I'm like, it was crazy stuff. Crazy stuff. And in writing about it was very cathartic just to get.


M. Skye's latest book is about escaping a narcissistic relationship

Like I said, it's about Tally and Blake Solis. So the reason Solas in the title is not the name. Peace. It's their last name. So Tally's breaking Solace in book one, and then escaping solace in book two, and then in book three, which I'm writing now to be out next year is without solace, but it's with peace. Kind of a paradox. And so it was interesting to write the story and have it unfold in front of my very eyes with the research and everything that I've been doing into narcissistic, personality disorder. But also one of my friends said, yeah, Skye's written this psychological thriller series, and it's not a whodunit, it's a he did it, and what's she gonna do about it?

>> Tiffanie: Good way to look at it.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. But, what readers are saying is they can relate in so many ways.

>> Tiffanie: Do you have any real events that happened to you in the book?

>> Sky Bellarmine: M. Yeah, but, you know, and it is a fictional novel, and in the beginning, it said it's a fictional novel. You know, any resemblance to people, places, or things is. Is of the author's imagination. And it is every. You know, it's in Newport Beach, California. It's, you know, I placed it. I know all the places. But, you know, I have some friends that are in the storyline, you know, with different names and stuff like that. So it's. But it's based on, a reality.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, it's a fiction novel based on true events.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Exactly.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Yeah. So it's. It's been a great process just working through it. And so many people have said, you know, this needs to be a movie or this needs to be, like a TV series or something like that. So, I don't know, we'll see. See what happens next.

>> Tiffanie: Where can people buy it if they're interested in either your books, your workshops. You got a lot going, on.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Oh, yeah. A few irons in the fire. Okay. So my books are on Amazon, and it's either in the ebook or the paperback availability right now. And then you can go to my website, starskypress.com that's s t A R S K y e s s.com to get on our mailing list. Get. Get, you know, connected with us. Get our newsletter and learn about events that are coming up. Reach out to me for coaching, speaking opportunities. Speaking. If there you want a keynote or you want some type of presentation, I would love to be there for you, but I really, really, really want everybody to know that I'm here for you. You know, I want to help you through the process that you're, embarking upon or, the obstacles that you're facing. The goals that you're setting and just help you walk through the journey and get to the other side.

>> Tiffanie: What would you tell somebody who's listening right now that is going through this kind of relationship?

>> Sky Bellarmine: First of all, I want to tell you that you're enough. Even though you've been told you're not, you're not to blame, even they may tell you are. And you need to start building your tribe. Need to find a handful, just a few people. Just a few people that can walk with this with. Walk through this with you and start figuring out what steps you need to take and what your strategy should be. And that's. That's. And. Yeah. And reach out, Reach out, find. You know, therapy is awesome. You know, I had a counselor through my whole experience, and you just really need somebody to listen and somebody who knows that type of experience because there are. So every experience is different. Everybody has different moccasins. I get that. Different journeys, different roads, different paths. But the process for escaping a narcissistic or a toxic relationship, it's a process. And those steps can be recognized by somebody who's already been through it and they can share that advice. And I would be happy to talk with you to listen. So reach out, reach out starskypress.com and we have a, page with resources and that thing, that kind of thing also.

>> Tiffanie: Awesome. I'm going to make sure I put the links in the show notes so it'll be easy for them to find. Was there anything else that you wanted to add?

>> Sky Bellarmine: I'm also on LinkedIn. I'm on social media, LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram. So those are other ways to connect with me also.

>> Tiffanie: Awesome.


Tiffany: Sky, thank you so much for being here

All right, well, then, Sky, I want to thank you so much for being here. I love, love, love your energy and I just. I'm m glad you found you again.

>> Sky Bellarmine: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Tiffanie. This has been great. Thanks for the awesome conversation and the opportunity to be here with you.