[00:00:00] Tiffanie: How do you raise emotionally strong kids when you're still healing yourself?

[00:00:05] 

[00:00:15] Tiffanie: Our kids don't need perfect parents, but they do need present ones. Jay is a family and child counselor, art therapist, and founder of Happy Souls Kids, a platform helping children ages five through 12, regulate big feelings through storytelling, gamified tools, and the voices of real role models.

[00:00:39] After surviving domestic violence and solo parenting during the pandemic, she became a counselor and in play therapy to help her son through anxiety and turn that survival into a mission to transform kids' mental health worldwide.

[00:00:54] Jay, I wanna thank you and welcome you to the show. Thank you for being here.

[00:00:58] J - Happy Souls Kids: think. so much for having me, Tiffany. Yes. My name is Jacinta and it's very confusing for a lot of people. It's like Samantha and Jacinta put together. So everyone calls me Jay, so everyone just call me Jay. , Just nobody forgets a letter. So that's what I am now

[00:01:13] Tiffanie: It makes it much easier.

[00:01:15] J - Happy Souls Kids: it

[00:01:16] Tiffanie: I love your mission though. You are on a mission to help a hundred thousand kids by 2027.

[00:01:23] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah. Yeah, I am. , I think through all of the traumas that I've had in my life, I'm now on a mission to be able to support [00:01:30] children and families , and people globally to be able to not just connect to their kids, but to connect to themselves , , , and teach kids about self-regulation.

[00:01:38] Tiffanie: It's so important. I didn't even realize how important it was obviously until it might've been too late in my thirties. But you know, it's so important and I've been saying that in so. Many of my episodes, we gotta start them young with this because it can literally change their whole life.

[00:01:57] J - Happy Souls Kids: Well, that's what we say., Imagine that we knew the tools as children, as we do now as adults. Like imagine how life, how different our life would be without taking away from our human experience. Like it's just. I teach my kid things that, that I've only just learned myself. And I think it's so beautiful.

[00:02:14] Like he's so self-aware and he's 11 years old. , And that's because I've allowed him to have a voice. And I think that allowing children to first of all be who it is that they are, rather than us wanting to, to be a certain way is just so important.

[00:02:29] Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. And they have to know how to regulate their emotions, because I think a lot of times these kids, they hold it in until they can't. And then they're, they're, , shooting in schools and, you know, all that bottled up anger and just self-consciousness and all of that. It just, eventually it blows up.

[00:02:50] So I think. Having children learn how to deal with their emotions at an early age is so much better.

[00:02:58] J - Happy Souls Kids: And I am on this mission because I [00:03:00] didn't, , I was a child who was such a happy little girl when I was really young, and then some things happened and then. I had big feelings and emotions and, , you can't blame your parents. They were doing the best that they could and they weren't ever allowed to express their feelings and emotions.

[00:03:15] So it's such a different language for them now. but the first thing I did was turn to sugar. I, I suppressed my emotions with sugar and I'd steal $2 from my mom's wallet every day and go to the. The, , milk bar , and have sugar, because sugar for me is an expression of emotion. I will get emotional.

[00:03:31] I will cry, I'll release the motion. And that was a pattern that I've learned over time. It's still there, FYI, but it's, , it's a pattern that I've, I, I did when I was a child. And so then when I got to the age, what did I turn to? Alcohol, , partying, having fun, suppressing all of the stuff that had happened to me. , I was very reactive, super reactive kid. And. I wasn't heard, valued, seen. I was such a, I was the black sheep of the family. , I still am, , I, I think differently to people and I've had to learn that the way I think is, is very different to other people, and that's okay. It still allows me to have a voice. It still allows me to be the person that I am. and that's what I want for children. They just need to be seen, heard, and valued because that's where a lot of our issues come from. If we try and put circle into a square box, it's not gonna work. So we need to really work out who our children are and see them wholeheartedly for who they are.

[00:04:27] I've learned from my own experiences as a [00:04:30] human. , That, that's where my issues came in. , I've spent my adult life dealing with my childhood and I don't want kids to go through that, and I want them to be able to process what they need at the time.

[00:04:41] Tiffanie: They need to Exactly, because all it does is fester and then you get sick and then it's more complications. They didn't have all this research when we were kids. They didn't do all this, so we didn't know.

[00:04:56] J - Happy Souls Kids: No, and that's the first place that I start with, , in counseling is to, for parents to forgive yourself, forgive yourself for not knowing. We didn't know back then, we didn't know all of these things. And sometimes, , when I was my child, we'll go back to the full story soon, but. When my child was three, I was working and working and working, and I wasn't a present mom, and he would go over to the grandparents over me and I was like, oh, this is not who I wanna be. And so that's when I made a change. So I think things that happen in our life, we have to really, we have to really forgive ourselves for not knowing better.

[00:05:32] Tiffanie: Yes, forgiveness is so important and I think a lot of us have a hard time. Doing forgiveness. I don't know if it's something that maybe we were taught when we were children or I don't know what the hangup is, but a lot of adults have that issue and we've gotta break it.

[00:05:51] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah. Taking accountability and forgiving ourselves are two things that I think that humanity really needs to work on. it's. , We all make [00:06:00] mistakes in life. Our kids do too. And the more that we can accept the fact that we make mistakes, the more we can accept the fact that our children make mistakes. , They're gonna push boundaries. They absolutely are. They're going to test you. They're going to trigger you, and that's their job. as soon as we can learn to accept that. And that's where we can have that beautiful connection piece with our kids. But we first need to accept the fact that nobody's perfect and people are going to muck up and we're gonna have bad days.

[00:06:25] And some days we're gonna be angry and we're gonna be sad and frustrated. we tend to lean to the . Softer emotions like happy and joy and praise and all of these things, but that's not what we, who we are. Like sometimes we're gonna have bad days. And I think that the more that we can accept the fact that people are going to have moments, , the better we are all connected.

[00:06:48] Tiffanie: And it's okay to be angry. It's okay to have a bad day. That's another thing I like really like to tell the community because it doesn't mean that you failed. It doesn't mean you have a horrible life because you have a really bad day. Like tomorrow's a new day. Let's start again.

[00:07:03] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah it's a part of our existence. It's coming up because it wants to be released. We just need to work out healthy ways for it to be released. , I've had some yucky things said to me over time by friends, , and you are vomiting your stuff all over people. When I was going through the worst trauma in my life, and it's like. Oof. I'm having a moment. I've got some big stuff going on and if you can't be there to, to support me, , I'm good with that. But you know, it's, it's very hard, [00:07:30] um, that some people find it really hard when people are going through a hard time. They dunno what to say. We had, , are you Okay? Day in Australia yesterday? And everyone's like, are you okay and putting up posts and Are you okay? Are you okay? Well. People don't know what to say. If somebody says, no, I'm not. Okay. You know , what's the answer? What do you do when somebody says, I'm not okay? Oh. Oh, okay. , Yep. Okay, cool. , They get uncomfortable. So all these days are beautiful , and they're fantastic.

[00:08:01] But how about we support , and teach people what they, what to do when they're not feeling good,

[00:08:08] Tiffanie: So what do you do when someone's saying, no, I'm not Okay.

[00:08:13] J - Happy Souls Kids: This podcast is a really great place to start because, , we talk about domestic violence and we talk about, , separation, divorce, and all of these big moments that we've had in our life. when I was separating it was COVID. Like I was so lonely. And in Australia it was hardcore here.

[00:08:29] We couldn't go outside of a 5K road radius. And I didn't have many friends in my 5K radius. So.

[00:08:34] Tiffanie: It was a really.

[00:08:35] J - Happy Souls Kids: a really lonely time, and all I wanted was somebody say to me, Hey, I am gonna grab some ice cream. Come over and watch a movie with you and , just hold you. , That didn't happen. And so it, I think in those moments, you just need to be really authentic.

[00:08:49] If you are not good with the big feelings and a lot of people aren't, that's okay. Just know your place and say, I'm not good with the big feelings. I'm not good with this stuff. How? How about I come [00:09:00] over and I bring some ice cream over? Can we watch a movie or do you wanna go for a walk together? Let's not talk about things because I, I'm not good at holding space, but let's find the mutual ground of something way.

[00:09:10] I can help you bring food over, food over to a person, but not saying anything when they're going through the highest trauma of their life. Is so much worse for that person is so much worse. Like just show up in the capacity that you can and be really authentic and open with the fact that you can't be there, because it's uncomfortable for you, not because you think that they've done anything wrong.

[00:09:35] When somebody's going through trauma, they're already completely and utterly broken. And what they need is love in those elements. They don't need somebody else to abandon them. And that happened to me a lot. I lost. Thousands of people when I separated, um, a smear campaign out there somewhere saying all these things that weren't true. But you know, like the amount of people that checked up on me when I separated, like I could count on two hands, you know, it's like when somebody's broken, they're like, oh, not going there, not going there. then when they go through that same thing, you are the first person that they come to because they know that you've gone through it and you understand. So people need to go through their own experiences and their own traumas to be able to understand what you've been through. And I just wish humanity wasn't like that. I just wish that were more honest about how they're feeling , and show up in a [00:10:30] different way, however that means to them, , let's go for a bike ride.

[00:10:32] Let's go to the beach, let's walk our dogs, whatever it might be. Just do something.

[00:10:37] Tiffanie: Right. Help them keep their mind off of it. That's always a good start.

[00:10:42] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like have some

[00:10:45] Tiffanie: Do something, something.

[00:10:47] J - Happy Souls Kids: that you, that they used to do as children. Go for a skateboard or a roller skate or make, do go into a knitting class or a pottery class. Just something, whatever it might be.

[00:10:56] Tiffanie: So during the pandemic, you were saying that your son was having a really hard time and he was showing out he was running away. How did you like get untangle all that?

[00:11:10] J - Happy Souls Kids: Well, it was big. I'm gonna start back a few, a few steps there. 'cause my whole story kind of tells the bigger picture. When I was 17 years old, I had a boyfriend at school and I thought I was so cool. He was so much older and we'd go to nightclubs and do all of these things and I was like, oh, I'm so cool. But I started drinking and partying at a really young age, , a really young age. I got kind of put into that, that realm very early, and I was on and off with him for 15 years of my life. And it was, it was domestic violence. Like I haven't realized exactly what it was or put a name to it until, , I've done the work within myself to say, oof, was really bad.

[00:11:46] You know, it was physical, emotional, mental during that time, and. I always looked at him and said, oh, well, what, what's wrong with him? Why is he treating me this way? But I didn't stop to look at myself and say, why on earth are you allowing somebody to treat you [00:12:00] like this? Like this is not good. And so I had to work out the habits and beliefs and the patterns and all of the things that I'd left behind.

[00:12:07] Like where did, why, when did it? Become okay for me to be treated like that. I had to do the work on myself. And then when, about 20 years ago, I saw a meditation teacher. I wasn't able to express how I was feeling. I was too busy partying and drinking and just ignoring everything that was happening inside of me. so I saw a meditation teacher and she just got me to draw, and draw and draw, just using colors. She's like, here's a sketch pad. If you can't physically get the words out, get 'em out through color. So that's what I did. I started drawing. I didn't tell my friends, no, of course I didn't because, , meditation wasn't socially acceptable 20 years ago.

[00:12:44] It was just so taboo. , And so I'd still party but then go see the meditation teacher and still partying, go see the meditation teacher. And I was in this realm of like not knowing where my place was and I don't regret what I, my going out and having fun. 'cause I've met some amazing people in my life.

[00:12:58] Like I've crossed paths.

[00:12:59] Tiffanie: So many amazing

[00:13:00] J - Happy Souls Kids: amazing memories. But it just wasn't the soul of who I wanted to be. I would wake up on a Sunday morning and I'd get a chicken, Philip Burger Congo combo, upsized with extra salt and water, , just for balance every Sunday morning. And always just go, just, I just wanna go and go for a run and watch the sunset.

[00:13:17] Like that's the soul of who I am. But I just didn't know how to untangle myself there first. eventually I did. I, I. I started slowing down on drinking. Well, no, I, I met my, another pa I was [00:13:30] single for about seven years and then I met another partner and we went through the party scene together. Had really fun, had had a good time. then as I was kind of tapering off, like I was like, what? This is just not who I wanna be. I became pregnant. so I was obviously pregnant, breastfeeding, didn't drink for, , until my son was 18 months old, 11 months. I had a few, a few drinks up until when he was 18 months. then when he was 18 months old, we went to a, . We went to a bar and a restaurant, and I was like having achi martinis and espresso martinis, and I was like, I'm back to who I was before. You know, look at me. I'm so much fun. body completely rejected it. I was so sick at the venue then. I was so sick in an Uber on the way home. I had a hangover for five days and I just woke up that morning after, after the event, and I was like, this is just not the mom that I wanna be. I do not wanna be this person for my child. This is not who I wanna be. so I quit drinking and I said, that's it. I'm done. And for people that know me knew like I was also when I was sober, I would go to. Friends parties, or, you know, sometimes it was at nightclub. I wouldn't go very late, don't worry.

[00:14:42] Like, you know, 10 o'clock and me, , we are good friends. Anything above that is just way too late in my world. I was so much fun and I didn't need alcohol,, I was still laughing and joking and dancing and doing all of these things, and so. When I quit drinking, people were like, yeah, [00:15:00] whatever.

[00:15:00] Yep, we've heard it before. Yep, yep, yep. But I was so solid in my opinion, like when I'm, when I'm on, I'm on, like there's, there's no stopping me never drank since. Like I had a glass of wine and I had a sip from one when we were out for dinner once and I was like, I just don't like it. I don't like this, I don't wanna do it. And that was almost 10 years ago. So then getting to your actual question, in 2019, 2020, we separated. My son started school and it was COVID all at the same time, and he was not okay. He was throwing bins around the house. He was running up the street. His emotions were so well beyond anything I could support at the time.

[00:15:38] And even though I'd done my own healing journey, I'd been on breath work meditation. I've, , studied reiki, all of this stuff for a child. It's just speaking a different language. It's talking a different language. It's , how are you feeling? And he's like, well, I don't know.

[00:15:53] I'm five years old. We didn't say that, but, you know, that was his expression. Like, what do you mean, how am I feeling? I don't know what a feeling is. I'm, I'm really young. so that's when we started drawing circles. I would draw circles. I did so much research during this time because that's, that's who I am.

[00:16:09] Like, find a problem, I'll find a solution. And. We started drawing circles on a piece of paper and I said, can you just put the face in the circle of how you're feeling? And he was able to do that. And so he would put the face in and then we'd break it down further. Can you tell me what this means? And he'd say, this means angry.

[00:16:26] This means disappointed. This means, , sad. And we [00:16:30] would break it down why he felt sad and sometimes it was his dad got a Nintendo. So sometimes it was like, well, I can't play my Nintendo, and that's okay. 'cause it was just relating the feeling to the emotion and that's how the process started. And so during that time I was also doing a Saturn A practice, which is, Pranar Mantra meditation, , crea, all of these things.

[00:16:53] And so we kind of did that together as well. But he was absolutely broken. We. Like it was just so much for a little boy to handle. Like COVID, we'd go to the park and we couldn't touch anything. , That really scary time where we were like, what is this thing? Is it really dangerous? Is it not? Is it

[00:17:10] Tiffanie: We were all.

[00:17:11] J - Happy Souls Kids: were all confused and before then we had fires in Australia and he's just like, mommy, it's too much.

[00:17:17] I can't handle this. I know, mate, I'm right here with you. had to sell a house and then we moved to torque and we didn't know anyone and torque's like the surfing capital of Australia about an hour and a half away, and I just knew that me and him needed to heal. We needed space. I needed to be away from my family because they're very overpowering, to say the least.

[00:17:40] And I just needed to be a 40-year-old woman to find herself. I needed to be on my own to be able to make decisions that resonated with who I was, not who everyone else wanted me to be, and he needed to. , A way to heal and, , he was broken, like imagine going to school, being broken and just the [00:18:00] emotions that would overcome you.

[00:18:01] Like there was some really big times with him that, , I still find really just. Oh, there's just so many memories in my mind of just this poor little broken boy. , And as a mom, you feel so guilty, , you're like, I played a part in that and I, I feel awful. And, , oh, getting emotional, talking about that. There's just so many times that come to my mind , of how hard he found it. , So many, he found the transitions hard. He would find, it's like going from Pluto to Mars. , Kids when they go through that element quite often get very physical, which he did. And that me having a history of domestic violence like that was hard for me to process too. , And so it was just us healing. I had a home practice. I started studying to become a counselor, , to be able to help my own child, and I saw during COVID, kids couldn't gain access to psychologists. There was a six to 12 month wait, so I studied as much as I possibly could to support my own child. So we had a home practice for him with all the modalities of play, and we had sand trays and slime and art and all of these things to be able to help him at home whenever he needed it. And , that was kind of the birth of my business. Happy Soul's kids. So through all of this trauma, that's just taken me a long time to explain, you know, that was the journey of how I got to where I am and I studied art therapy and how beautiful it is, and I never connected these dots until many years later that I started with art on my journey.

[00:19:29] And that's [00:19:30] what I do for kids and children. You know, that's the modality of. Getting things out of your body is so important. So Tiffany, that's kind of how I got here and that's how my business started and that's how I supported my own child. I allowed him to have a voice and I allowed him to feel his feelings.

[00:19:49] And um, I would always say, Hey, I am right here with you, mate. I've got you. I've got every part of you, you and me were in this together. And I'd allow him to have control 'cause he just lost complete utter control in his life. So I'd give him elements of control and., It was my most, certainly the toughest time.

[00:20:06] There are so many times where, oh, it was big. His emotions were big. I remember him being at the beach once, 'cause there was a situation and it was awful. And he, his emotions were so well, so well, , they were okay to feel because if I had have gone through what he did, it would've been awful. He went to a, . To a competition and no one was there to support him. It wasn't my time and he was just, this poor little boy was just broken. So that's kind of what we did to heal, is what we worked on ourselves and, , that's what we needed and that's what we did.

[00:20:41] Tiffanie: Don't be so hard on yourself. Obviously, you made a lot of good decisions. You moved away from toxicity. You know you were doing everything in your power, so don't be so hard on yourself. You, you did a great job and you should be proud of that.

[00:20:59] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah. Thank [00:21:00] you. I am really proud and I dunno if it came across. , I'm really proud of myself. I'm not so hard on myself, but I. I think that , we did it together., He's, him and me needed us during that time , and we, , the bond that we have now , is so solid because of, of 'cause of us being there for each other.

[00:21:17] Like kids teach us unconditional love. It's beautiful. And when you haven't had that in relationships, when you have that with a child, it's just, just beautiful.

[00:21:26] Tiffanie: Right, and I mean, it's, it's you. It's a version of you. So it doesn't get any better than that.

[00:21:34] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, becoming a mom was my ultimate, , that's when my life really started. And like, I love it. I, I remember my ex-partner saying, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. And I was like, oh my God, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever done. And yeah, I mean, , that's part of our path and part of our journey.

[00:21:49] And, have a friend that says, , things are happening to you, not for you. And when you're in the mud, that's what I call it, the separation is the mud. You can't see it. But then when you get through it, you're like. Oh, I get it. I get it. Okay. Thank you. Not thank you. Not thank you for all of the things that, for all the things that have happened to me, because it has made me so much stronger in a, in a human being than I am.

[00:22:13] Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. I mean, some of the times that we go through is like, like, am I being punked or something? Like, what the hell is happening? But once you can get through it and you look behind, you're like, holy crap. It's like the clouds just like separated [00:22:30] and the sun comes shining out and you're just like a whole new person.

[00:22:35] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yes, yes. That's what it feels like. Like, oh, and you have this moment in a blank. Oh, , it's, really what it feels like. You are like, oh, the sun, the light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm such a rainbows like, like son, loving the world and. did I get smashed to pieces where I realized that the world's not like that?

[00:22:59] You might be, but it's not. And I think that that was a hard lesson that I needed to learn. Not everyone's like you.

[00:23:04] Tiffanie: Right? Oh yeah. No.

[00:23:08] J - Happy Souls Kids: Mm-hmm.

[00:23:10] Tiffanie: All different kinds of walks out there and you can't let those kind of people get to you. You know, everyone's going through their problems. So that's like a way I try to deal with like difficult people that I come across now. Like 10 years ago, you would've got a different version. Like I would've snapped real quick and now.

[00:23:34] You know, you learn to be patient and realize that when people are like that, it's not towards you. It's something that's going on with themselves.

[00:23:43] J - Happy Souls Kids: Mm. Yeah. And it's hard at the moment, in the moment to see it., I've become less reactive, but I even had a moment with my family this week where I was super reactive and, you know, you go back into that childlike state sometimes and you're just like. Ooh, whoopsie. And , that's the element of making a mistake and [00:24:00] forgiving yourself and going, Hey, that's okay.

[00:24:02] , We made a mistake, and as long as we make our rights wrong and everything's good, so it's, yeah. A, it's a tough journey. , People think a lot of the time when you quit drinking, your life's gonna be like, oh wow, my life's gonna be amazing. Well, you might have to go through some stuff to get there first. , And it can be lonely and it can be hard, and it can be. , But it, it, everything that comes to you is there to teach you in some capacity. And I know that's hard for some people to hear 'cause there's some really awful things that happen. but, , through every heartache that we have, there's a lesson , and I've had many traumas in my life.

[00:24:39] I've only mentioned a few. And so I know how hard it can get. Trust me, I, I know. , But I still wake up every day and have a smile on my face. And I still believe in love, and I still believe in, in good people. And I think that if we focus on where we wanna get to, , I'm listening to someone called William White Cloud at the moment, and he has this analogy where it's like the golf ball when you are hitting the golf ball, if we just look to where we want to go rather than where we are, like that's.

[00:25:07] That's where we need to look to, we need to look to where we need to go. And I think it's important that we stay in that space, , because often people will say, don't play the victim. And I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that in my life. sometimes you are the victim. Sometimes some really shitty situations happen to you and you are the victim.

[00:25:25] Now, we don't want you to stay in that space, but we wanna acknowledge the fact that you have [00:25:30] been the victim in your life at at times. Absolutely. And so when, I don't like it when people say, don't play the victim. , Say something like, Hey, we wanna help you move outta this victim space, but don't play the victim.

[00:25:41] Like, I just think that that's such a harsh thing to say to people that have had a lot of trauma.

[00:25:46] Tiffanie: Well, right, because they clearly haven't gotten to the space yet where they don't feel like the victim. So once,

[00:25:54] J - Happy Souls Kids: to move through

[00:25:55] Tiffanie: yeah. And then you're a survivor or a thriver, you know it, but you gotta get there. And you gotta give people that space to get there. Everyone's at their own, on their own pace. You know, just 'cause if you did it in three, four months doesn't mean this person might, it might take them years.

[00:26:11] You just, you don't know.

[00:26:14] J - Happy Souls Kids: Because they might have stuff that's underlying that got to that point, , that you don't know about and they might have had experiences that you don't know about. And I think it's important that we have compassion for that. If somebody's kind of moving away, let them move away. 'cause they've probably got stuff to work on. , And give them space to do that because you mightn't be able to hold that space for them, and so they need to move away from you. Because you don't feel safe to them at that point.

[00:26:38] Tiffanie: Right. I'm really big on the show about like breaking generational curses, and this is what I love about what you're doing because. That's exactly what you're doing. You are helping parents and children break the cycles of generational trauma and abuse, and that's what we need more of.

[00:26:59] J - Happy Souls Kids: [00:27:00] Mm-hmm.

[00:27:03] Tiffanie: So

[00:27:03] J - Happy Souls Kids: we do.

[00:27:04] Tiffanie: do you, um, oops, sorry. Go on.

[00:27:08] J - Happy Souls Kids: I have 36 aunties and uncles and a hundred family members, and not one of them really talks about feelings and emotions. They watch me on social media and they're like, oh, here she goes again talking about fis. And they find it really uncomfortable. So if you ask me who my target market is, it's my extended family.

[00:27:24] Like I want them to talk about this stuff , and feel because they grew up in a household of eat concrete. You'll be right. Don't worry about it. Get over it. Don't, like my dad is a hard man. He's a hard. God man, , and he hasn't softened. He's starting to, with my son. It's actually very beautiful.

[00:27:39] They're best friends. And since we moved back to Melbourne for business and seeing the changes in him, like I will say to him, he'll get upset and he'll say, what? There's nothing wrong with crying. And he's like, oh, well, what do you mean? And there was one time he said to, oh, what did he say? It was ORs mortified. are a better man than that. And I was like. Oh, , we don't talk like that in my household, dad. Like that's just not how we talk to children and especially boys. Like boys are allowed to cry and they're allowed to get upset and it doesn't make them any less of a man. But it's really beautiful that the next generation, we can teach them by mirroring how we are to our own children.

[00:28:17] Tiffanie: Yes.

[00:28:18] J - Happy Souls Kids: to watch. He's the father to my son that he wasn't to me it's really beautiful.

[00:28:23] Tiffanie: Right. Yeah, it was very important for me too. I'm also a product of generational trauma, and I was [00:28:30] like, no. I would start seeing some of the same patterns and I was like, no, this, this ends right here. We're not doing this, not doing it.

[00:28:39] J - Happy Souls Kids: mm mm I agree right here with you on that one, and I've got a lot of work to do, let me tell you.

[00:28:47] Tiffanie: Yeah, but you're doing such great work,

[00:28:50] J - Happy Souls Kids: it. Thank you.

[00:28:52] Tiffanie: obviously. Do the kids have to be in person or do you do anything online?

[00:28:57] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah, I do do a lot of sessions online. , I've moved back 'cause I'm building a startup. , At the moment I was in practice with one of the kids and I said, Hey, do you wanna do some meditation? He just rolls his eyes at me, like, whatever lady. And I said, you know, LeBron James meditates. And instantaneously he was excited by that. Now it's not just about meditation, it's about all of the things that we've talked about today, but utilizing people's heroes to be able to teach them. and I think that's a really important point to make. , We can learn just as much as kids can. And so this platform that we are building at the moment is about kids and parents doing it together because sometimes. The parent actually needs to meet the child where they're at, not just necessarily the kid needs to come to us. So it's a mutual beneficial arrangement where sometimes we've gotta just work on ourselves , to, , parent our kids in the best way possible. , I don't have in person sessions at the moment, but I do a lot of online, online work.

[00:29:48] , Just because we're so busy with the startup. Yeah. I do do online sessions with kids and it's about helping them feel, seen, heard, valued, understood, , and creating a different language within the household so you and your children [00:30:00] can connect together. And sometimes that, that's not even having sessions with children.

[00:30:04] It's about having sessions with the parents. They give me parts and, , I've had 20 years of work on this to be able to help. Parents and children connect together. , 'Cause that's what's the missing in so many families is the connection piece. You might think that you are driving your kid around to after school activities and going here, but are you connected to them? Like, that's a really deep question. And I know that, you know what I mean by that? Like, are you connected to them deeply? Like, can you do eye gazing with them? Look at them in the eye. It's a really great connection exercise to do with them and truly see the person that's in front of you. . A lot of kids will say, I, my, I don't think that my mom and dad love me, and that's heartbreaking because the parent does like more than anything. My dad was very not. , Was not emotional. He was not physically like, he was not, , my love language is, you know, physical affection and he was just not that. So I was like, when I was a child, well, he doesn't love me. Well, he does. He just shows it in different ways and I think that's where we need to teach parents and children to help understand each other. Like you might acts of service where you do things for your child or you might. , Giving gifts to them in that capacity, or they might do that in their way. , Words of affirmation. You might express how you're feeling in different ways. So children and families and, parents they love in different ways.

[00:31:22] And I think that that's a really important lesson for children to understand as well, is that just because it's not coming out of their [00:31:30] mouth, it doesn't mean that it's not felt.

[00:31:32] Tiffanie: Right. Actually, I had a guy on my show, oh gosh, look, this is a little over a year now. Paul Zon and he came up with a game, a , dice game, and they all had the little acts of service and so it's love language. And then you'd roll it and say like, whatever you landed on. For that day, that's what you would show people.

[00:31:55] And I thought that was great. I'm like, what a great interactive way for kids to learn more, how to communicate, how to be a better friend, how, how to love and to feel loved. I thought it was great. And so he started like giving 'em to schools and stuff.

[00:32:12] J - Happy Souls Kids: I love that. And , it's also teaching kids that other people love in different ways. So it's not just what you need. 'cause your needs are so important. It's also , what other people are needing as well.

[00:32:22] Tiffanie: Right. Everybody's different.

[00:32:25] J - Happy Souls Kids: Everyone is different

[00:32:27] Tiffanie: I'm access service and gifts. That's, you know.

[00:32:32] J - Happy Souls Kids: most, most kids say gifts, by the way. Oh, I just like it when people buy me stuff and like, yeah, well that's a good one. Do you have a second one? So I'll always ask their top two, like, what's another one that you really like? So I think it's really important that, , yeah, we just understand children for who they are they need.

[00:32:49] Tiffanie: Yeah. Well, I like to be the one giving the gifts. I mean, I like gifts too, but like if I go out and I see something and I'm buying you stuff, 'cause like I'm thinking about you, [00:33:00] that's my way of letting you know, like, you know. I love you. I was thinking about you, yada, yada.

[00:33:08] J - Happy Souls Kids: , I'm more physical affection and words of affirmation, but, , I guess mine would be more, , acts of service. Like I cook for people. Like I love cooking for people and I think that's the way that I show my love , is through food. , And especially for my family. I'm forever cooking for them and. I, I do it that way. I'm not so much of a gift buyer, but I am more just, , either words of affirmation or acts of service. I think they're the two that, that, that are really big for me.

[00:33:33] Tiffanie: Yeah,

[00:33:34] J - Happy Souls Kids: I'll just feed you. I'm a feeder, just feed you.

[00:33:38] Tiffanie: you don't want me to cook?

[00:33:44] J - Happy Souls Kids: See, we're all different. We all have beautiful parts of us and some not so good parts of us, too. There's many things that I sh I, I'm just not good at. Yeah.

[00:33:54] Tiffanie: And that's okay. That's what makes us all unique.

[00:33:57] J - Happy Souls Kids: Mm, exactly.

[00:34:00] Tiffanie: So how long until, , I know you're still in the startup stage, you said, what is it looking like? Like what are you projected to?

[00:34:09] J - Happy Souls Kids: We're in our prototype phase. So at the moment we are, , building and getting feedback from people. So it's called bather testing, where you get people on and they test it and they give us feedback and we are building it with children, four children. My son is my unofficial co-founder. It's quite funny, Tiffany, when I became a mom, I was like, I'm going to be an earth mom and I'm gonna live near the land and [00:34:30] everything's gonna be wonderful and we're gonna go surfing. is not my kid. He is so technology minded. He has an engineering brain who's putting toy batteries in toys when he was two years old. He is so switched on with technology. He's often the, , the class tech guy and he loves it. Like his favorite thing to do is to pull his computer room apart and put it back together.

[00:34:51] , I couldn't think of anything worse. And that's what he loves. And I'll say, let's go to the beach. We lived on the beach for four years. He's like, I hate the beach. I'm like, oh. goes, I hate the sun. I'm like, oh, that's like my heart. My heart is at the beach and the sun. And then I have this child that's telling me that he hates it.

[00:35:07] And I'm like, oh, , he doesn't hate it. He loves it when he is down there. He's in there for four hours and never wants to come home. But his initial thought is, no, I hate the beach. And so it is such a funny thing that. We, we really need to see our kids for who they are. And it's just really important that we feel into that because that's where your divide is gonna come into it, is if you try and fit a child into a box that they just don't belong in. , I can't even remember what your question was. I don't even know, how I got off that one, but. yeah, that just kind of came up for me now is it's just really important to, to have that connection. , So him being a co-founder, he loves gamification, and so when we built something he was like, this is boring.

[00:35:51] And I was like, oh, okay. Fair enough. . I was like, well, what do you like? And he showed me all the games he likes to play and I said, I think we should do this, this, and this. And I'm like, okay, great. [00:36:00] So that's what we started to build is gamification and gamified learning. So children will don't feel like that.

[00:36:06] They're learning, they feel like they're having fun, and that's the best way that kids learn. So, he is my unofficial co-founder and , we go to a lot of his friends and ask, , them their opinions and thoughts on what we're building.

[00:36:18] Tiffanie: I love that. Yeah. I mean.

[00:36:20] J - Happy Souls Kids: Hmm.

[00:36:21] Tiffanie: It's almost like you're hiding the veggies.

[00:36:25] J - Happy Souls Kids: That's exactly, that is such a great analogy, Tiffanie., I don't know if you use duo lingo, but it's kind of duo lingo versus masterclass versus a car map. Like it's all in there together. , It's a lot of work. It's not an easy gig. , The startup world is something I'm new to and I've had to learn and do accelerator programs. , We had to move back to Melbourne and be close to family. 'cause I don't have a lot of support unfortunately. So I don't haven't in the last five years. , It was a lot for me. And I think the strongest thing I said is that, Hey, I need help. I cannot do all of this on my own. It's just too much. And, , I think that's, yeah, that, that's, as a single mom, that's a, it's just really important that we do reach out and say, Hey, I'm struggling here. Like, I, I need your support and. , But I just love what we're building. I just know that it's something I needed as a child that my child needed when he was going through some tough times.

[00:37:13] , I have the tools to be able to support him, but a lot of parents don't. So that's what this platform is for, is to tell the real raw and authentic stories of human beings. Like somebody might see somebody win a gold medal and be like, oh my God, they're so talented. And you're like, well, yes. So, ah, but you haven't.

[00:37:29] Seen what [00:37:30] they've had to go through to get there. And that's what we tell. So children understand that even the people that they love the most have hard days, that they find things hard that they. Lose games that they, , have a lack of self-worth, that they do all of these things such as meditation or prayer or, , journaling or all of these things to get all of their big stuff out.

[00:37:51] So maybe if a child hears that from so many different people, they might be like, oh, mom and dad aren't just nuts. , They're not just telling us to do these things. Like there's a reason what they, that they are telling us. because this is what some of the most important people in their life, are, telling the world.

[00:38:07] So yeah, , it's a beautiful platform. I'm really proud of it. But yeah, it's a lot of work. It's a lot of

[00:38:12] Tiffanie: Oh, for. I mean, you're creating like a whole new, whole new little world there just to help people figure it out.

[00:38:20] J - Happy Souls Kids: are.

[00:38:21] Tiffanie: It's so needed though, and so important.

[00:38:24] J - Happy Souls Kids: Thank you.

[00:38:26] Tiffanie: If anyone wanted to get ahold of you, what's the best way?

[00:38:30] J - Happy Souls Kids: , So yeah, we have our website, happy Souls Kids, happy Souls with an s and kids with an s.com. And if you wanna be a beta tester or just give me, , send me an email at hello@happysoulskids.com. Then we have TikTok, Instagram Happy Souls Kids. Then my personal one is Jacinta Field, J-A-C-I-N-T-H-A-F-I-E-L-D.

[00:38:50] It's a massive tongue twister. then I'm on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, all of the things. , I'd love to hear from people because think [00:39:00] in this world sometimes you don't have people that can support you, and it's really nice to surround you, surround yourself with people that can support you.

[00:39:08] And I know firsthand I didn't have a lot of people that could hold that feelings for me. So , I've had to create something that, that I know I can be there for other people when they need.

[00:39:17] Tiffanie: It's, it's really helpful when you can befriend people who know where you've been or where you are, because a lot of people, if they don't get it, it's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, people who get it, they get it. And they're willing to, to take that extra step and to do what it it takes to help you get through it.

[00:39:38] And that is so important. You gotta have a community. You gotta have something in place to help you through it. It's so hard to do it alone, and most people give up if you do it alone.

[00:39:49] J - Happy Souls Kids: hmm. It's like when you quit drinking, , you've gotta find your tribe and that takes time. And so a lot of people just go back to drinking 'cause it's easy. 'cause that's the friendship group that they've always had. And, , just stick, stick with it. Like me separating and, I won't say this lightly, but is the best thing that's ever happened to me because it's helped me heal parts of myself that needed to be healed.

[00:40:10] Like I was super reactive when I was in a relationship and I wasn't seen, heard, valued, all of those things. And,, I probably needed more compassion and love , and I think that sometimes these hard things happen way to steer us in a different direction. So just keep on going and believing in yourself and trusting that there is a path that you're going on, [00:40:30] and that something will arise when it needs to.

[00:40:32] , And I think that that's a really important lesson.

[00:40:35] Tiffanie: Agreed. Absolutely. Sometimes we're like, why is this happening to me? There is a reason. Believe it or not, I, I, I'm a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and sometimes it's just so you can get to the other side. I mean, them hallways are a bitch, but one, one door closes, another one opens.

[00:40:56] J - Happy Souls Kids: mm Yeah, and it does. It takes time. It's not gonna happen straight away, but it does. It really does take time and just have that belief in yourself. , Just say like, I had a ring on my finger when I separated, which said I'm enough. I felt like the lowest human on the planet and I had to build myself back up one part at a time.

[00:41:15] And I think it's important that it does take time and just let your tears flow and move all of the things out of your body. Get a journal. , Make some slime. It was known as the slime lady in practice. Like that element of moving through things through your body. And I miss that. I used to do it all the time.

[00:41:32] I don't do it as much now. , It's important that you find something that works for you. , , sometimes, especially for children, it's not sitting there and meditating that can't sit still. They don't wanna meditate. So that's where we use other ways of breath work , and other modalities in play therapy.

[00:41:48] Tiffanie: Absolute. I love it. Love it, love it. Was there anything else that you wanted to add?

[00:41:54] J - Happy Souls Kids: , I don't think so. No, I think I , just wanna say that, . If you are a parent, it's a hard [00:42:00] gig. , It's not an easy thing to do. You're not given a rule book when you become a parent and said, this is the right way to parent your child. , We are all learning, we're all trying to day by day.

[00:42:09] And I think that it's just having more compassion and love for you, that you're doing the best job that you possibly can with the tools that you've got. and it's all learning, so just. Really feel into the experience of what your children can give you. 'cause they're here to teach you. They're here to trigger you.

[00:42:24] My kid triggers me more than anyone else just love every part of you because you're doing an amazing job.

[00:42:32] Tiffanie: Yes, be patient with yourself and your child.

[00:42:36] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah, the more patient that you can be with you, the more patient that you'll be with everyone around you. But it starts with you first. I wrote a 21 day self-love program just on all of this is because you need to be the person that's most important in your life, , to work on you, to be the best person that you can be for everyone around you.

[00:42:53] Tiffanie: Yep.

[00:42:53] J - Happy Souls Kids: So it starts with you. It starts with you.

[00:42:56] Tiffanie: Hold up that mirror.

[00:42:59] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah. Where's that mirror? Where's that mirror going?

[00:43:02] Tiffanie: Well, Ja, I wanna thank you so much for being here. I think this is great. I'm gonna put all the links in the show notes so people can find you easy and I'm gonna promote the hell out of it when it's it's live. 'cause I love what you're doing. This world needs to be healed and it's gotta start somewhere.

[00:43:22] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah, there's a lot of healing that needs to be done. So much oof. And thank you. And thank you for creating this podcast as [00:43:30] a space for all of us to come together , and , we appreciate you, we appreciate what you're doing and , thank you for having that courage to be able to find your voice , to have this podcast.

[00:43:41] 'cause it really does help people. They don't underestimate who's listening. 'cause a lot of people are,

[00:43:46] Tiffanie: Thank you. I appreciate that. It's actually like doing this his. Like I've grown so much. It's crazy. Like even my son told me, he's like, you are not the person you were just a few years ago. And I'm glad that that shows because I am growing and healing with all of my community, my listeners, everything. And I love it.

[00:44:09] I love it.

[00:44:10] J - Happy Souls Kids: Yeah. And sometimes it's about finding your voice. Sometimes when we are young, we are shut down, and this is your way of finding your voice. It's beautiful.

[00:44:17] Tiffanie: That's right.

[00:44:20] Speaker: If this story moved, you share with someone who needs to hear it. Don't forget to follow, rate and review. It helps more survivors find our community. Do you wanna be part of the conversation and share your story? Visit true crime connections.com. Until next time, be safe, be seen, and never forget. Your story has [00:45:00] power.