Talking it Out - Finding Support in Healing from Dysfunctional Homes | Lolita Guarin

This week we are learning stress management due from childhood trauma

>> Tiffanie: M Darkcast network welcome to the dark side of podcasts. We need to address the impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family, the roles that addiction play, and the path to healing.

>> Tiffanie: Hello, everybody, and welcome, or welcome back. This is true crime connections and I'm Tiffany, your host. This week we are learning stress management, especially due from childhood trauma. I mean, how many of us come from a dysfunctional family? Raise your hand. I don't care if you're driving, working, working out and anyone not watching this on YouTube. We had our hands risen. So a lot of us have. So please help me welcome our guest for this week, Lolita. Thank you so much for being here.

>> Lolita Guarin: Well, thank you very much for having me. And since you asked me to tell me my full name, I will tell you this now. Are you ready? So it's Lolita vicute Guardin.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, yeah, I was not gonna attempt that.

>> Lolita Guarin: Well, usually just go by Lolita Guaren because it's shorter. And, for those who are wondering, what was that middle name? God knows how long. It's 15 letters. It is my maiden name because I'm from Lithuania. yeah. And for those who don't know what Lithuania is, is in Europe. So, yeah, I'm from Lithuania. And, believe it or not, there are plenty of childhood traumas there, too. So it doesn't matter where you live, you still can be having childhood trauma that's affecting you today.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, absolutely. I mean, childhood trauma, abuse, all that. It does not discriminate. It doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, white, black, lithuanian, you know, if you like boys, girls, it does not matter. It does not matter.


You grew up in Soviet Union, so do you think that affected childhood trauma

>> Lolita Guarin: And, you know, I get this question, asked a lot. When I participate on podcasts or I do coaching or speaking engagements, you know, they say, so you grew up in different country. How was, do you think that your life impacted, like, you know, when I was born, I was still Soviet Union. So they're like, well, you know, you poor people in Soviet Union, you probably had nothing to eat. So do you think that affected your childhood trauma? I'm like, listen, it doesn't matter how much you have to eat and doesn't matter what clothes you wear. It's important the family that, they're with you, your caregivers are taking care of you, by giving you emotional support, by telling you how amazing you are, by validating your feelings, by not gaslighting you until you like, no, what you're feeling is wrong. Or don't you dare sing or shut up and sit down kind of type of thing, or physical abuse or mental abuse, yelling, shouting, breaking things, or my gosh, you know, for others who, you know, I was not, but I know, like, sexually being abused by the family members, those are horrific things. And that's that it goes all across the board, no matter you have to eat or what you wear.

>> Tiffanie: I can't believe somebody actually asked you that. I mean, right? I mean, I could see if you were starved. You know, obviously that would play into it, but it really doesn't matter what you ate. But anyways, you actually have a number one best selling novel on Amazon, which is pretty much stress management for adult children of alcoholics. I love this so much because I cannot tell you how many guests I've had on my podcast that are products of alcoholic parents. And so it really does play a huge role in that child's development in growing up.

>> Lolita Guarin: and also I can add, that can not necessarily that somebody, like both parents, alcoholics, like, or, you know, like, my mom was not an alcoholic. I mean, she was not an addict at all, but my dad was. But, also the same sort of abuse can be, seen from, having a parenting as a narcissist as well. And, you know, for those who, thinking, well, you know, I don't have addicts parents or nobody in my family and not addicts, so I don't have to listen for this podcast. Oh, I don't need to read the book. I think all of those, all of this drama is very, very similar, meaning that children that grew up in the family with somebody's narcissist or alcoholic or any other sort of abusive, the result is still the same, meaning, the child did not get what they supposed to have, and they were not feeling supported the way they should be supported, and they didn't feel loved and appreciated. And somebody, can say, well, like, for example, my dad, was an alcoholic, so he was just most of the time, no, drunk. And when he was not drunk, he was like, hangover, or just basically even not hangover, but just didn't care about me at all. Like, okay, my mom is taking care of me. Why was my dad needed to take care of me? Right. but if you look from a narcissist point of view, you can have a parent who does not give you that validation, who does not appreciate for who you are and just totally damaging you by, you know, gaslighting you and not giving that support or love, and feeling special the way you should be treated so it doesn't matter how you're getting the abuse. It's still the abuse. And the bottom line is, you didn't get what you needed to. So my book, is stress management for dull children, alcoholics. It has 25 chapters, which probably could be 155, probably for now. But in every book, I take one thing that, you know, adults like me with the childhood traumas, like, that would be dealing with. And then, I talk, I give personal examples. I also include the joke because I think, you know, it's all stressful. So, hey, you know, let's just have some joy a little bit. and then at the end of a chapter, I put a lot of, questions and, like, questions for yourself. You can ask if you can create tools how to manage your stress when you come from this kind of environment. And they always end how to use this downfall, whatever it's been seen, like, oh, this is such a bad thing for you to have as a superpower. So, for example, seeking immediate gratification, it seemed like it's a very bad thing. Like, oh, my gosh, you have no patience. But I can tell you that, yes, I don't have patience, but that's how I get shit done, because I don't have patience. I think that's a superpower because some people ruminate forever. I'm like, I don't have time for this.


The marshmallow test shows children lack patience, according to one study

And, do you know about the marshmallow test?

>> Tiffanie: I do not. I'm intrigued. What is this?

>> Lolita Guarin: So, I think the original study was, done about, like, in 1950s or something like this. And, probably if I start telling you about it, you may remember because it's, like, been told everywhere about. So usually they have toddlers in the room, like, one toddler. And, then adult gives, them one candy or a marshmallow or whatever, something like a snack or something that the child wants. And they tell them, if you want to wait until I come back and you do not eat the marshmallow, I'll give you a second marshmallow. So it's like, you do not, you know, like, how well can you hold yourself from seeking immediate gratification? And so they said that those kids who were mostly failing the marshmallow test later on in life showed no patience. And, you know, those were the members of society that were not saving their money, and they were not preparing for their 401 case. And they tell you this. When I find that test, like, I was on tv or someone, I read it. It triggered me. I was like, this is just. This is just wrong. And so I was so happy when I. When I was researching to write my book. I found out that the test was rerun again multiple times. But the one study that I read about, it was fascinating because they said that we cannot judge kids black and white like that. Obviously, like anybody, we cannot judge. We cannot just nobody. Okay. They just. Right. But, so what they did, they twisted this test a little bit and added more into environment. so what they would do, they will tell the kid, you know, they give them, for example, crayons and, like, a color book, and they tell them, here are the coloring book, and here's a crayon. And there was something maybe different. There was some done also the same test in different. Different countries. so, something is being given, like, a task for kid to do, and. But then they will not give them crayons, or they will give them crayons that are, totally, you know, worn out, and it's impossible to do the task or whatever. They will say, I will gonna bring you stickers or something like this. And. And the child will wait. Will wait, until adult will bring whatever it's promised. But then adult will come back and it will not have what they promised. So no stickers. no, no crayons. I know it's a little like. Is it triggering you already? When I was reading this, I was like, oh, my God. So. So what happened is the child saw, like, oh, it didn't happen. Right? And then after this, they were giving the marshmallow test. So then they will give the candy or something. Or something and say, you wait, and when I come back, I will give you the second one. So majority of kids that way ate the first piece without waiting for the adult because they already lost the trust, is like, listen, dude, you didn't bring me the stickers as you told me to. I'm not gonna believe you're gonna bring men on the marshmallow. So I better get it, what I have now. And then I'm gonna see what's gonna happen later. So when I read about this, I was like, thank you. Finally, we can explain why, children from dysfunctional family, you know, we have no patience. We, you know, we may be hypervigilant, and all of the things that come with that. So it just shows so much how a, ah, childhood trauma impacts stress management as well. Like pretty much everything else in life. you know, you can talk specifically about stress management. Let's say something happens, you know, there are two people sitting in the room, and let's say, you hear, I don't know, some noise. Both of them will react very differently depending on what environment they grew up in. One of them, if, let's say he was in mostly stable environment or been taught how to manage stress, being taught how to manage the emotions, being taught how to self regulate, and not to be hyper vigilant because they had adults in their life that they could trust. I was supported. it's okay. There's some noise outside the room. we're gonna figure out what it is and, you know, will be fine, because they have trust about themselves that they can handle this, and they have trust that everything's going to be okay. Now you have a second person in the room. As soon when they hear the noise outside, they could be, like, jumping off the chair and thinking, oh, my gosh, there is a shooting. We're not going to get killed. This is. This is the end of the world. And, you know, you can go just ballistic. And so the first person can look at the second one and think, like, oh, my gosh, like crazy. What's wrong with you? And what is wrong here is that second, adult probably grew up in a dysfunctional family where it was constantly this fear of there's always something's happening. So, for example, like, in my family, I was afraid to go home after school. I am. Like, I have no idea. Was my dad drinking that day? What I'm gonna walk into and then. Okay. You looking at the clock every day. All right. 04:00 is my dad's home. No, not home. Oh, my gosh. This means he's drinking. Okay. 05:00 okay. He's not home. That means you're going to be even more drunk. Okay. 07:00 p.m. he's still not there. And then you hear the key at the door. Like, barely somebody can even open the door.


Breathing exercises can help you overcome burnout, stress, anxiety

You know, he's so drunk that I hope that he is drunk enough that he can go to sleep without bothering us. And when you have to do this every single day, the. My normal state of mind is being stressed. My normal state of mind is constantly being hypervigilant. I am already conditioned from day one of react to everything that's happening around me as a very big deal for me. There's no, you know, for the longest time, until I started working on myself, everything was a big deal. Somebody's not messaging me back. When I messaged them 30 seconds ago, it's a big deal. That's immediate, like, fear of abandonment. I am all stressed out. Maybe they did. Maybe they left me. Maybe, you know, all of this and somebody from a side, they can say, you're just creating this. This is all in your head. Yes, I do understand it is all in your head. But you also need to realize why you really thinking that way, why you're being conditioned that way. so what happened to me is, I'm from Lithuania, so I came 24 years ago to United States, and I live here in Houston. And, I knew this is the land of great opportunities, so I can work and work and work and work and get paid and, you know, and get the plug. The money of that money tree where everybody's talking about.

>> Tiffanie: Where is that exactly?

>> Lolita Guarin: It's a well known. See, it's a secret. It's a secret. So what's happened to me? I was just working, working on weekends, and, because I came with this childhood trauma, I was. And I was a very big people pleaser because I was conditioned to be people pleaser. It's like, okay, I need to just, you know, I want to make sure that my mom and daddy are happy. And I was only one child. so, like, okay, it's. I depend on them. If I'm not going to please them, they will not feed me. I mean, that never happened. But, you know, in your child's mind, you think, this is it. So when I came here, I, was determined already to work hard. But also at the same time, I realized there was so much work of giving to me, and I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, the more you take, the more they give you. I had no boundaries. And now who's listening in? You don't have to come from another country to be burnout, okay? I have plenty of clients that I coach right now that they come to me, burnout, stressed out and coming from very rich families, and they're doing business and everything, so lack, of boundaries. I couldn't say no. Like, did give me something new. Okay, I'm gonna do it. My. My friends, my co workers say, hey, can you do this for me? I know I don't have energy or I'm sick or whatever. I will say, yes, I'll do this for you. Because I was afraid they will judge me. And then, you know, they. They discard me. So fear of abandonment. I had no, you know, like, when you think about, there are, like I say, there are seven, human needs. You know, the first five is, you know, you want to make sure you breathe. Well, we all breathe, right? You need to make sure. Make sure. Oh, well, maybe I said that wrong. breathe. Like breathing in and out. Maybe my accent not breathe, but breathe.

>> Tiffanie: Breathing exercises.

>> Lolita Guarin: Yes, breathing exercises. so then, you know, you want to make sure you eat. Well, I was not paying attention at all how I was eating. You know, then we need to sleep. it's like, how many, how many of us really sleeping those 8 hours? I mean, really, how much, exercise, you know, do we do exercise? Oh, when I was working myself to death, I was just. The only exercise was when I get up and go to ladies room. I mean, that's my biggest exercise for today. And if I did it three times, woof. That's accomplishment. I crushed it. And then, like, hydration. I mean, you know, if you dehydrated, your brain already loses 20% of the capacity. So if somebody is, feeling, oh, they drain, they don't have enough energy. They, you know, like they're kind of stressing out. They're burning out. Just make sure you drink enough water. And it looks like it's very simple task to do. But how many of us, we're not even doing that. so this is was my everyday, and I will come back home and I go to bed, and then we'll repeat. And I know probably somebody's listening and they're like rolling the eyes at me right now and thinking, this what life is. Hello. And, what happened to me, it messed up my hormones so much that, I had to go to emergency room. And the doctor said, it's good that you arrived today. Otherwise tomorrow you'd be probably dead. It was that bad. I'm not going to go into details. Women understand me. Hormones and women. It's very important thing to be in balance. And, so that was, and why that happened, because I already came from the childhood trauma of my normal state. Was constantly stressed and burnout and hypervigilant and just pretty much never resting. So when I put more pressure into me, my body was like, okay, this got to stop.


Blendy became a stress management coach over ten years ago

So that was the aha moment for me. Was like, okay, I really need to start paying attention or what my lifetime, you know, what am I really doing? And then I started applying simple stress management tips, which, I say bandages. Stress bandages. Eat well, sleep well, hydrate, exercise, all this. but there were still things were missing. I start managing my time better. I learned what the boundaries are. and, over ten years ago, that's when I became a stress management coach. I was already coaching people and they had a great result of that. Helped me a lot and my clients. But one day I was reading about how to get more coaching clients in the business book. And, the girl who wrote it, she said that she was adult of alcoholic. And that was like the first time for me, the terminology adult child of alcoholic was ever introduced to me. And I read that book in one day, the one that she recommended. And it blew my mind. I was like, oh my gosh, this is totally makes sense. That's why I'm so stressed out. That's why I'm so hyper vigilant. That's why I don't know what the boundaries are. That's why all of those slew of things that, very characteristic of, you know, children who grew up in childhood trauma. And, so the first thing that came to my mind, it was like, oh my gosh, I'm damaged. This is, for me, like, this is it. Like I'm damaged. I'm not going to achieve anything. It's kind of like, running with a broken leg. I mean, I'm sure running, but it's very painful and will I ever get there? then the second stage was that, I got very angry at my parents. I was so angry at my dad because I was thinking, that's the person that's supposed to take care of me. How dare he? How he can fail me like that? And, you know, when I listen, Blendy and I read, I'm always learning about childhood trauma. It says, those who grew up, in dysfunctional families, they've been robbed of childhood. And, you know, that's never coming back. So I had to work with my grief of realizing that, you know, okay, that's, what I thought was normal childhood actually wasn't the, person who needs to take care of me. Well, he didn't. and I got very angry. And you see, the funny part is, in our society, anger is a bad thing. It's like, oh, no, no, no. You're not supposed to be angry. You're supposed to be just giving and happy and smiling and just people pleasing. And if you're going to be just anger angry, then you have to have an anger management. There are lots of people angry and it has to do with control. So if you are in any situation that you catch yourself being angry, that means that you feel hopeless, helpless in the situation. And then you need to ask yourself, what am I angry about? And that triggers all of your past experiences. So you could be not even angry about something that's happening in front of you this moment, but it's probably recalling something in your past that you were not allowed to do, let's say, as a child or something that been constantly hurting you, but, you had no control then because you were a child and you couldn't protect yourself. But even now you're an adult, you still have the same child mentality of believing that, oh, I cannot help myself. I have to please them. I have to allow them to hurt me. And it m could be physical or sexual, emotional or any abuse, because we learned that if we're not going to please, them, then they will abandon this. So now, when I went through, the anger and I said, no, I'm going to accept my emotions. I'm going to honor my needs. And I think that's where the true self love is, when you're honoring yourself. When I went on this healing journey, I would constantly hear the saying, you just have to love yourself more. That triggered me big time, too. I was like, wait, you mean I'm still not doing good enough? I am not good enough still. Because apparently I'm somewhere failing. Because here I am, I'm trying the hard I can get somewhere and please people, and still, oh, and guess what? Apparently I'm doing a bad job with myself, too. Wonderful. So I think I came to conclusion that true self love is when you accept yourself the way you are every day, you can be angry, that's fine. Allow yourself to have those emotions. And, the problem is that when we grew up in a dysfunctional family, we're not allowed even to express, ourselves. Like, if you become angry or because you cannot control situation or you don't feel safe, you've been told to shut up, sit down, or even punished. So you learned that expressing yourself does not serve you. So you constantly holding yourself back. And when you are, grow up an adult, then let's see you show anger. They immediately tell you, oh, no, no, no. Anger is bad. So you just keep it down over there. but also it's come from childhood trauma of, when somebody grew up in a family where there was abuse and people were angry, and then they are abusive. Abusive. So when that individual sees somebody else angry, it triggers them their own childhood trauma. And they don't want anybody else to be angry because it reminds them how unsafe they felt and how much hurt they experienced themselves. Like always, we look at the people and it's like a mirror, you know, they also dealing with their own traumas. And like we do. so the true self love is accepting your emotions. And that's where the, you know, stress management starts with allowing yourself to be yourself and understanding who you truly are. And, you know, where are you coming from? And not looking at this and saying, oh, my gosh, I'm broken. But look in this and say, okay, it's like coming to a game. Let's say you're playing a domino's and you being given three pieces of five, I don't know how many they give those pieces. and then you look and you're like, my gosh, I just have, like, that's not gonna work for me. So instead of obsessing and thinking, oh, my gosh, I'm doomed forever to say, okay, that's what I've been dealt. But there is another box behind me that I can go and fetch as much as I want to. If you grew up in a childhood trauma, and I have clients who, tell them, okay, so, number one, you accept yourself the way you are. You're doing the best you can. Believe me, you are. anybody will be, angry with what was happening to you. you have a right to feel, ah, angry about the situation towards those who abuse you. You have a right to know that that's not right. That was wrong, what's being done to you. And then really, you know, allow yourself to do things, how you honor yourself.


I tell my clients to do something every day that makes them happy

and so when I tell my coaching clients, I'm like, okay, start doing something every day that, helps you to relax or feel happy. And that is one of the human needs, is we need to do something that makes us happy every day. And now I probably can hear all those irolls over there who are listening and saying, yeah, I don't have time for this. I have clients like that. They come to me and they say, oh, you don't understand. I am a, single mother with three kids. I run my own business. Three businesses, okay? I have to take care of my aging parents. All of this. I don't have time for this. I'm burnout. simple exercises. Imagine that you and I start my, speaking engagements like that. I hold the glass with water and I say, what do you think? How heavy this glass is? And that's actually, I read the story about the teacher holding a glass, of water in front of her students and saying, who thinks? Tell me how heavy this glass is. And the kids were giving different, numbers. And she said, all of you are wrong, because how heavy this glass is will depend on how long I'm going to hold it. Because the longer you hold it, the heavier it gets. Right. I love that it's the same thing with stress. So if you will give yourself breaks, it will not be that difficult. I invite everyone to try out different things for them to give themselves a break. So we have a cell phone, set an alarm on your phone and every hour make it rain. Then if, of course, if you're not driving, you know, all the disclaimer and make sure you in a safe position, you know, and all that. and then just stop whatever you're doing. Close your eyes. Just breathe in deeply. Breathe out and just, and just, just breathe. And just be in the moment. Don't think what you were doing, don't think we're going to do about just 1 minute. But if you do it, over more times per day or even can be strategic, you can say, I'm going to, I'm going to finish this task and then I'm going to sit down, breathe in, breathe out and close my eyes. Like when you're closing your eyes, it's like the brain already doesn't get at least like 20 or 30% of information from outside. That means just closing your eyes, it's already helping your brain to relax. If, let's say you're sitting on a traffic and you're not on your phone. Okay, close your eyes, which we not should be driving and texting and watching on our phones. just, just close your eyes and breathe in. Breathe out. That's good. And so give yourself that kind of break. But also you need to ask yourself, why am I in those who now listening and they saying, I like my clients, I don't have time for this. I don't have even 1 minute. You don't understand me. why do you think you act like that? Where is this coming from? Do you feel guilty of even allowing yourself for 1 minute to do nothing? Or do you think that other people will look at you and say, oh, she's so lazy on oh, I cannot believe he is just closing his eyes and not doing his work. What are those fears? It's probably coming from a dysfunctional family dynamic because your needs were not important. you know, your well being was not important. You feel ashamed to take care of yourself. And you know, when I tell my clients, do at least one thing every day that makes you happy. I have some clients who are very confused because they're like, first of all, I don't have time, like, okay, let me do this. You can find five minutes. Yes, you can. We all know we can. So. But then, okay, find something that makes you happy. It's great if it's something creative, but any expression, it's very good. for example, you like dancing. I don't know, stand in the kitchen and dance for one song. You like singing, sing in the car. you like painting, draw, writing, any creativity like that. Great. But let's say you're not into those things. Okay. What are the things you like to do? Have a cup of coffee. Have that cup of coffee, but really drink it. Okay? Enjoy it. And tell yourself, I am enjoying this time with my coffee and I'm, doing this for myself. Or let's say you like to read books. read one page a day. But what happens is when you do this every day, first you give yourself something that you feel, very happy about, and, you know, it makes you feel good. We need to feel good, and we should not be ashamed of that. And then, number two, you show up for yourself. That means you're not abandoning yourself as you've been abandoned by your parents, physically, emotionally, or any other, way. So when you show up for yourself, and, you know, that's the self love, when you tell yourself in any situation, I'm doing the best I can, I am doing the best I can. I react the way I react. And it's okay if you hurt somebody, you just apologize. I'm sorry for yelling, but I had a tough day. you do things that you like to do, even at least one for five minutes. you do not bulldoze yourself into something and you stop people pleasing every time. When you do something that makes you feel better, count this as a victory. Appreciate that for how much you already went and, you know, how far you came. I guess that's the proper English. so now just think about it like a year ago, where were you? And think, am I happy where I am right now? Do I want to be the same place in a year or five years? If you're happy, awesome. But if not, well, then make some changes. But when you honor your own needs, that is the ultimate self love.


You have to have self care, because if not, you're gonna collapse

And, you know, I have those clients who say I don't have time because I need to take care of my kids and business and all of this. I say, who's going to take care of that business and all those kids? When you all stressed out, burnout and sick in the hospital because body do keeps the score and you will collapse and is that going to be a time for you to think that now it's time for you to take care of. No, the time is to take care of yourself is now more than this. You own it. Not just for yourself, but also for your family, for your friends, for your co workers, your community, the whole world. And also, especially with the, If you have kids, when you learn to manage your own stress, when you honor your own needs, your feelings, when you're okay with displaying your feelings, when you're okay with managing them, you teaching your kids to do the same. When you have boundaries, you teach them boundaries. When you honor your own feelings, they learn from you how to honor their own feelings. So you don't have a daughter later on who's 30, and then she's married with a narcissist because she didn't know how to function. So your wellbeing is not only about you, it's about the rest of the world. So when somebody is afraid so much to do self love, because it's, oh, my gosh, this sounds so, selfish. We're supposed to be this martyrs who are just constantly giving, giving, giving. It has to go both ways. So keep the balance. Honor your needs, help others, you know, to do the same. And I think that's the way of really making, ah, such a better tomorrow.

>> Tiffanie: Absolutely. You have to have self care, because if not, exactly, you're. You're gonna go to shit. Like, you have to because you can think that, you know, you're just masking, masking, masking. But eventually there's gonna be symptoms that are popping up because your body is like, I cannot mask anymore, so it's gonna come out one way or another. And, yeah, you're right. Like, that's how you end up in the hospital or you end up with diseases and you end up with so many things is because you are keeping it inside. And, you're so right. I mean, children watch everything we do. It is so important to show balance and positivity and self love and acceptance in ourselves, because if not, your child is going to grow up chasing these dreams that are not always achievable. Not everyone can be the model on tv, you know, not everyone can be this perfect person. And that's okay that you're not. We're all beautifully broken in our own selves. That's okay. Yeah.

>> Lolita Guarin: And that's. And I think that's where there's so many, thinking, oh, I'm going to be so and so. And, I'm going to be like them. So then my value is higher. Denim, loved and appreciated. But, if you start from the point of understanding that the way you are is already perfect, because there is really nobody else that like you who you can be compared to, even to determine, are you broken? that's when we know our own value. Then everybody's beautiful, everybody's unique and authentic, and we celebrate, each of us. So then the question is, like, when I'm doing something, why am I doing this? Because I want to be accepted in a group or do I want to have a reward so other people will see, me differently or they will finally respect me? Do I need recognition as a validation from other people? So all of this is coming from chakra traumas. So even though if we didn't get it in the past, now we adults, and we can give this to ourselves and we can ask, and it's very important also to see what people we hang out with. And I recommend another exercise, for my clients, is find three to five friends that you really trust. And they are nice people, not like those who stab you the back and ask them, what, do they like about you. So, when you have this moment, and it always happens when maybe you don't have enough of confidence to start a new project, or you feeling down in the dumps because you think something's not going well for you, or something will not happen, or you're not going to make it. Read those letters. Ah. And see how amazing you are, and you can make it.


Start small and do it from your heart, says M. M.

Another list I ask, my clients to make is the list of victories. Everything that you accomplished, even finishing high school and writing car or getting driver's license, anything like this, losing weight or learning how to cook an egg, you can write all kinds of things, but then remind yourself that you already doing pretty good. Other people don't have that. And some people can have more of achievements. Great. So now you see what's possible for you as well. and do it from your heart. It's like, do I really want to do this because it will make me feel good and fun? Or am I doing this just to get validation? Because when we will run for the horizon, for that validation, that's what this. This stress and burnout happens, because you cannot release or, reach the horizon. You're the one who decides, okay, this is where I'm stopping. And that's why I'm, celebrating my success.

>> Tiffanie: Well, right, if you're doing it for somebody else or for the wrong reasons, it's not really serving its purpose anymore, because you could be running yourself ragged trying to impress everybody else, but you're miserable inside because deep down, this isn't what you want. You're just trying to people please.

>> Lolita Guarin: And, you know, it starts little things like boundaries or how to stop people pleasing or honoring your own needs and feelings is just to start small. you know, for those who are afraid to say no, I love going to the mall. You know, there are always some people standing around. They, like giving you samples. And at beginning, I remember, I would always get all those samples, and then they, oh, you got samples. And let me show you. M. I have this cream for your face. And then the next thing I know, an hour later, I'm like, with cream about. I don't even eat. Because I didn't know boundaries. I was, like, afraid to hurt these feelings. So start from there. You know, walk around, a, mall, and everybody who's giving you something, you just say, no, thank you. And they just. Just say that word, no, thank you. No, thank you. And then start with the commitments. Like, somebody invites you somewhere to go, and you really know you. You cannot go. You just say, I'm sorry, I cannot make it. Maybe next time. But what happens when you start saying no and starting boundaries with yourself and others? You realize that you made the change and nobody died. I mean, I hope nobody died. You know, like. And they're like, oh, okay, I can. I can do this. I can do this. And then you have. You build a confidence and trust in yourself and your own abilities. And then you also stress less because, you know, and you're confident that no matter something happens, you can handle it. So, you know, if I come back to the same, you know, story at the beginning, that when we started that, let's say we're sitting in the room and something happens outside the room. Now, when I know that I come from childhood trauma, I know that I can be very hyper vigilant and catastrophize a lot of things. Now, I mentally will catch this. And it's like, oh, okay. I hear the sound, and maybe my first feeling is like, oh, my gosh, I need to go stressed out. But I'm like, wait, wait, wait. We need to investigate this. Then I'm gonna stress out about that. So when you already have enough of self care and self love and, you're already working on this and healing, then it gets easier and easier. You get more, you know, you grow new habits, and that is so doable, and you will be surprised how little things that you can do every day can add up so much. And you will make you change your life over years.

>> Tiffanie: I used to be one of those people who would stop in the mall as well and sit and listen to your spiel. And the whole time I'm like, I don't want this. Just shut up. Please let me go. And now I'm just like, no, thank you.

>> Lolita Guarin: Just woo. You say nobody died, right?

>> Tiffanie: I mean, you do. You have to stop trying to people, please self, please, please yourself. I mean, everybody has 1 minute in the day. I don't care if it's when you're taking a shit. Like, you know, everybody has a minute. You cannot say if you're in the shower or something, just take a minute. I mean, that's, I think that's great advice that anyone can follow. I don't care how busy your life is, there's not something happening every second of every day. Gotta start somewhere.

>> Lolita Guarin: It doesn't take that much, but starting is complicated. Especially if you feel ashamed and you feel guilty of even taking 1 minute, right?

>> Tiffanie: I mean, that should show you right there that there's, there's things you need to work on for sure. If you feel guilty for taking a, minute to yourself, like, we're not asking you like, to go get a massage, go get a pedicure, you know, like things that take ample time, you know, it's just taking a few minutes for yourself. I think that's, that's very important.

>> Lolita Guarin: And you know, and even if somebody can go and have a massage, but if the whole time they there, they thinking to themselves, oh, shoot, I'm going to be late to work and I don't really deserve this massage, what am m I thinking? And it's really not really helping you. You're laying there, sure, but your set of mind is already m creating a stress in your mind. So it's like, it's not really about what you're specifically doing, but where's your mind and your state of mind and the love for yourself? And is your mind at peace when you're doing something? Because you could be in a very stressful situation. Not, not stressful situation, but just like overkill, I guess. But let's say you're standing in a post office, you know, and there's a long, long line and you're like, I'm already late. But, instead of telling yourself, oh my gosh, I'm late. Come on, people, hurry up, hurry up. You can tell yourself, oh, you know what? This is actually the moment when I just can stand here and just be. And I don't have to do anything at all. And I'm going to take those five minutes because it's probably going to be three to five minutes. You just. Just observe everything around and you say, I'm going to take a mental break right now. I'm just taking a break.


Make a to do list and prioritize what needs to be done first

I don't have to go anywhere. I cannot go anywhere. I'm doing the best I can. So I'm just going to breathe in, breathe out, and just kind of zone out and just meditate with my eyes open. So you see, you can use any situation for something good if you really choose to.

>> Tiffanie: Absolutely. There are moments in every day that we probably don't even think about. You're waiting for your computer to load or do you do an update? You know, like, there's little things that we all go through every day that. Where you can just like, sit and be at peace with yourself. You gotta give yourself the grace to allow yourself to have that. It's so important because burnout is a thing and it affects, I'd say, more than half of the world because everyone is trying to do everything all at once. And I've had to learn this the hard way because I want to do six things at once. And then I get stressed out because for the most part, I'm probably not even getting one thing completely done because I'm focusing on so many. So that's been. That's been something I've had to work on. just like, okay, can you focus on this for now? Later you can try something else, but, like, you have to be able to finish what you've started.

>> Lolita Guarin: And I like the. I think. I think I learned this from Brian Tracy. It says you make a to do list and then by each, you write a letter or number, and then you do the priority, what needs to be done now, only those. And then you do those others that can be done later. and I would add, have a reward for yourself. You can tell yourself, okay, after I did three of those, I'm gonna get myself, I don't know, a smoothie or something good. Okay, that's not a cookie. Okay. Although maybe if you have no cookies for a whole year, maybe a cookie is a great reward for you. So you choose. But I think rewarding ourselves is extremely important, too. Especially when we came from a dysfunctional families where we not being celebrated and validated and given a good word when we really needed to hear it, that we're doing a good job. so always, you know, celebrate yourself and don't feel guilty about it.

>> Tiffanie: Right? To do list. Oh, my God. those, I think, have changed my life. I'm not gonna lie, because, oh, my God, I could think of 20 things I need to do in a day. How important are all these 20 things? You know what I mean? And then if you look at it, it stresses you out because you're like, holy crap, look at all this stuff that I have to do. But no, like, you check it off as you go. But, yeah, you prioritize and you work down the list by the end of it. If I cross, like, five things off, I'm like, what is up? I mean, you feel great. You're like, I feel accomplished. I actually got some stuff done.

>> Lolita Guarin: And I would also add, I recommend adding simple things that are very easy to accomplish, like easy victories, like took a shower, you know, because you need to also win. Especially for us who grew up in childhood trauma. We need to have more of those wins to help us to have more confidence in ourselves. And, and, there was another thing that also changed. Changed the way. Look at the to do list. I read somewhere years ago, it says, if you did 80% of your list, you are high achiever. I was like, you mean I don't have to do the hundred percent of the thing I, wrote? Oh, my gosh, what a relief, right?

>> Tiffanie: We hold so much pressure on ourselves that we have to finish everything or we have to do all this. Nobody else is saying you have to. It's us telling us that we have to. It's like, give yourself a break. You're human. And, I mean, other things are going to come up. You're still going to have bad days. Every day is not going to be a good day. But that doesn't mean now it's been a bad week. It was a bad day. Next day, start over, start it positive and go from there. I was watching a webinar, and a guy said something that really clicked with me, and, he said, you know, I don't have to go pick up my kids. I get to go pick up my kids. You change the language and realize that everything is really a blessing that you get to do. Like, oh, I don't have to take my car in to get maintenance, but I get to take my car in to get maintenance. And I was like, wow, that was mind blowing to me. And I was like, I'm going to try to change that myself because it totally changes the directory that we tell ourselves.

>> Lolita Guarin: That's all about the state of mind, and that's how we stress less, because we change the way we view things and what they say. When you change the way you look at things, things change.

>> Tiffanie: Absolutely. It's got to start somewhere. Little changes turn into big changes.


99% of your coaching is done over Zoom, where do you get clients

Do you see people, like, over zoom? is it only in the Houston area? Where do you get your clients?

>> Lolita Guarin: So, I would say 99% of all the coaching I do is over Zoom because I have even the same people who live here in Houston. they rather just plug in on the video because it takes forever to drive here. And, you know, why not save time? and I also coach. You know, I have a clients who are, like, live in Europe, so that's impossible in us and different states, but everything today's technology, we can do on Zoom. But if someone really lives in Houston, they would like to see me in person. Of course, that also can be arranged.

>> Tiffanie: Awesome. You founded the amazing. Wait, no, be amazing you. Is that the name of the coaching firm?

>> Lolita Guarin: And so that's, that's my website, my company name, because I think we all are amazing. We just need to allow ourselves to be one and not listen to all those little voices that, you know, we grew up with of thinking we're not enough. We still need to improve ourselves. it's not get better. You know, the get better means we're not good enough already. And I don't think we should be looking that way. We need to appreciate, our own authenticity, how amazing we are already. And then, we don't have to. Like, we were just. We were saying then, you know, you don't need to run to the horizon. You don't need to compare yourself to anybody else because you're already great, right?

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, we're all amazing. You just got to find it within yourself, allow yourself to be amazing. I feel like some people don't want to be amazing. Maybe they feel like it's too much pressure or it's just easy to, you know, be on the sideline. But you're not doing yourself any justice staying there by any means.

>> Lolita Guarin: Well, also, you can be amazing just sitting and watching tv by yourself and eating the whole potato, the whole, potato chip bag. I mean, if. If you allowing yourself to be. Now, it's a different story. If you scolding yourself for eating those chips and watching tv because you think you should be doing something else now, that's very different. So it's really just, honoring yourself.

>> Tiffanie: So, wait, we can't have cookies, but we can have chips?

>> Lolita Guarin: Now you know what I really about. I'm not big lover cookies, but I love my potato chips. And like I say, I'm a high achiever so when I open a bag I like to finish things. So my m finished bag as well. Yes, I know. I love Lazarus.

>> Tiffanie: Awesome.


Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your story on this podcast

Was there anything else that you wanted to add?

>> Lolita Guarin: I think for those who are still thinking, oh, I don't know, I don't think I'm worthy. I don't think I can find a 1 minute. You just ask yourself, do you want to be where you are right now? In a year, in five years? If not, then I think coaching is very, important because then you can have somebody who's cheering for you and I would recommend everyone to go now and book a session with me. And you can do this by going to my website, be amazingyou.com or you. Of course you can buy the books stress management for adult children, alcoholics, or also crest stress while you work. This all available on Amazon.

>> Tiffanie: Awesome. Im going to make sure I put links to those in the show notes so people have no excuses to take a step to a better you. Awesome. Well Lisa, thank you so much for being here. This was, this was great. I even feel a little like, I feel empowered, so.

>> Lolita Guarin: Well, thank you for having me.

>> Tiffanie: Of course. Baby steps make big steps. So you got to start somewhere. It's so important. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's, it's nice like that. People have been through, you know, some tough times, but now we use it to help other people who might be going through that. And I think that's great.

>> Lolita Guarin: And thank you so much for having this podcast because it is very one of the things that helped me when I realized that there was something, you know, messed up when my father was alcoholic, I thought that was normal. But then when I find out that was, something, okay, now that's not right. But when they learned that there are many other people in the world like me, I learned that I'm not alone. So I'm thanking you for having a podcast and creating this amazing place for me and other speakers come and share this story and also create the healing place for those who are listening in. Because if, you know, if they just comes out with one little aha uh-huh moment, it can change their life tremendously. So I'm also thanking you a lot.

>> Tiffanie: Well, thank you so much. That means a lot to me and anybody else out there. If there's something that you want to share, please reach out like this is how we unload off of ourselves and help other people at the same time, which is so important.


If one of my episodes has helped you in any way, I would really like to know

All right, well, then I'm going to close and say, thank you so much.

>> Lolita Guarin: Thank you.

>> Tiffanie: I think we all know somebody who can benefit from this episode. Please make sure to share it with them. and thank you guys so much for listening to my podcast. This really means a lot to me. If one of my episodes has helped you in any way, I would really like to know. It's important for me to know that the work that I'm doing is actually helping people. If you want more of me, make sure to subscribe to my YouTube, channel and follow me on Instagram and TikTok. If you or anyone you know is in need of national hotlines, please go to truchrimeconnections.com. i have all the phone numbers there listed for anything that you could possibly imagine. All right, my renowned roots community, keep building hope and gaining strength. Until next time.