The Impact of Growing up with Narcissistic Parents | Dana Diaz - Part 2

What if you have narcissistic parents? Dana Diaz talks about choking on shame

>> Tiffanie: Hello, everybody, and welcome. This is True Crime Connections advocacy podcast. I'm Tiffanie, your host. And today we are talking about narcissists. Not only are we talking about narcissists as in relationships, but what if you have narcissistic parents? Joining me today is Dana Diaz. You may remember that name, because actually, she's been on my show before. Last time, she was speaking about her book gasping for air. So this week, we are talking about choking on shame. Girl, you got some bodily functions going on.

>> Dana Diaz: Oh, we're trying to have a theme here. And there's one more coming. It is a narcissistic trilogy. So there's one more coming. Yeah, this one was rough. You know, after reading gasping for air about my previous marriage, 25 year relationship, that was. Started off rough, but I got really, really bad. It was just. There was a lot of questions about, well, how does somebody end up this way? I mean, even my own publisher was like, we know you. You're not like some shy little mouse. You're not introverted. You're educated. You seem to be very strong willed. And all these things that I'm like, I had to really think about it. I mean, I knew it was because of my childhood, but, I mean, my God, when I started actually writing about it, I mean, I have heard of people repressing memories, and, you know, suddenly in the middle of the night, they wake up and they're like, oh, my God, I haven't remembered this thing for 30 some years. And it was happening to me even after the book was done, I was having things surface. it really mucked me up. But it was interesting that so much of my life, just as, I mean, I knew that I was in a bad situation in my childhood, I was fully aware I was being abused in multiple ways. But I think because you become so unfazed by how bad it is that until you kind of step back and even see and hear other people's reactions, you don't realize really how bad it was. And I'm getting that now. That choking on shame was released. It was maybe two, a, week and a half. Two weeks ago, it was released. And so I'm getting the first messages from people that have finished it. And, I mean, I almost feel bad for making them feel so bad for me, but I feel like I'm, like, having to have a public service announcement to say, I'm okay, it's okay. Mucked me up a little bit. A lot of it set me off on the wrong path in life, but I'm okay. But I will say this, and I said this to you earlier, it's that I had not one, but two narcissistic parents. I hate to use the word raise, but raise me. And some of the things they did were typical narcissistic things. Some were typical abusive things, but some of the things they did, my God, the fact that they are walking around freely and that even they evaded child services and police and everything, and I never got justice, it just boggles my mind and makes me wonder who else is walking around out there that is not serving time or any, has any consequence for what they've done to another human being. So that's what we're here to talk about today.

>> Tiffanie: I think a lot of people can identify with that. And even, you know, I couldn't. I wouldn't say, like, my parents were narcissistic, but obviously, I mean, no parents. Perfect. We all try, right? In a sense, we all kind of screw up our kids in our own little way. Some do it worse in some ways, obviously, and some really leave long lasting scars. And I feel like that's how we end up in these relationships to begin with. Because when you're raised like that, that's love to you.

>> Dana Diaz: Absolutely. You perceive your role in the world, your place in this world, your sense of who you are as a human being and how you relate to others, it affects everything. But I will say this because I agree with everything you just said. Even despite everything that I wrote about and lived, I can honestly say I think they did the best they could. You know, that sounds very cliche. but here's the thing, and this is the difference with anybody in any relationship, whether it's your parents, your spouse, you know, a friend, when you are intentionally harming somebody, the intention is what the difference is. And so in my case, the intention was there, and there was also an intentional allowance of it, an intentional tolerance of it by people who were seeing what was happening. And that is what I take an issue with, because recently, I think it was the CDC actually put out maybe two months ago. I read that 50% of all kids in the United States, half of all us kids right now under the age of 18, have experienced or witnessed at least one incidence of domestic abuse or violence. At least one. But they say on average, before a child is 18 years old in the US, they will experience four times of this. And to me, that's not okay. That's. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a lot. I'm actually even surprised it's not more, but it's not acceptable at any rate, because knowing what the effect was on me and seeing, I mean, I think we all forget that even in the best of circumstances, you know, like you said, you know, we all develop our role and our identity and everything, and people don't realize that you're basically hardwired by the time you're seven years old. At that point, it's hard to undo stuff. That's why you'll notice, like, about that age, that's when kids start getting kind of snarky and mean, and they're not as resilient and forgiving as they were before the age of seven, because they start falling into those roles, the roles that they're expected to play, the roles they're supposed to serve.


My mother was only 16 when she got pregnant with me

So where it went wrong for me, we'll just kind of dive right in. Was actually before I was even born. My mother was only 16 years old when she got pregnant with me. Typical, you know, teenage pregnancy. She was dating my father, and they did what they did, and, oops, she's pregnant. Well, the thing about my mother was she. I don't think she really even wanted children at all. But I was a little bit of a snag. She made it very clear she didn't want me. Back in the seventies, it wasn't exactly okay socially acceptable for a girl to be pregnant, never mind unmarried and pregnant. So there was a lot of shame that she endured and a lot of ridicule. She dropped out of school, you know, she had a lot of issues within her family, her friend, circle, you know, so on and so forth. And I don't dismiss that. I've been on the, We all have been judged, and we all have been, you know, bullied or made to feel in some way. And it sucks, and I get that, and I'm sorry for her. But when I was born, she had her tubes tied immediately after I came out. Like, Dana came out, Plissenza, came out, tubes tied. No more kids. Surprised that they did that with a teenager back then. But it was the seventies, a lot of stuff was allowed. Now.

>> Tiffanie: They'll talk you out of it.

>> Dana Diaz: In your thirties, they talk you out of it. Yeah, it's ridiculous. But nope. She got her tubes tied, so no more kids. She didn't want me anymore. Once I came out, it was not. There was not a moment where she held me. And suddenly her heart softened towards me. She was very clearly not a mother type. So my grandma tells me this story all the time. She says she came to the hospital with her mother, which is my great grandma talked to my mother, basically made a deal. My mother wanted to give me up for adoption. And they said, nope, this is the first, you know, grandchild and great grandchild in the family. We are not letting this girl be raised by another family. So grandma said, I will get a job. I will pay for whatever she needs so you don't have to. Great grandma, well, she was old, so she said, I'm home anyway. I will take her in. She will live with me. And that was that. And you know what? It would have been fine if they would have just left the arrangement as it was. It would have been fine because I grew up for the first, what, three, four, five years of my life. I thought my great grandma was my mother. She's who I lived with. She took care of me. She was the one who was there at night rocking me if I had a nightmare, feeding me all day. You know, she was mom. She was my mother. Except that this other woman would come over once in a while. Not often, but once in a while, and they would say, she was my mother. I watched enough cartoons in Sesame street to understand, you know, I came out of her egg, if nothing else, if she was a chicken, she was the one who sat on me. And here I was. So I was like, okay. I just took it for what it was because it wasn't. The label wasn't a thing for me. I knew where I lived. I knew who my mother was. I knew who took care of me. and I was treasured and cherished. And to this day, my great grandma is gone. But in my heart, she will always be my mother. And I am grateful for that foundation because I think maybe that is what kept my head above water all these years, is knowing that foundation of what a real, true mother's love was. Because at some point, my mother decided to get married. And mind you, she had had boyfriends. I was a little crude in my book that, she seemed to only have married boyfriends. They just weren't married to her. But she was a very attractive young lady and got a lot of attention from men. And this one particular man who, the first time I met him, he crushed my little fingers in the window of his cardinal. Intentionally so. Yeah, it was hard to like him when he did that. But my mother didn't say a word. She just lightly scolded him, like, oh, don't do that. But it was very weak. She didn't soothe me when I cried because my fingers were crushed. She didn't say anything more to him. It was like she just let it go. She was more concerned about, you know, having this relationship with him than my physical well being okay. I just assumed eventually he'd go away, but she decided to marry him. He was much older than her. I learned later in life that he had, in fact, while he was dating my mother was also married to somebody else. Told my mother he was getting a divorce, but he, in fact, had not and was living with his wife. And having my mother on the side of eventually finally did get my. Get his divorce and moved me and my mother in because my family decided that, oh, well, if your mother. You know, we were a poor. I don't want to say poor. We had everything we needed. But she was moving on to the suburbs, you know, a wealthier suburb with a man who had a house and a car. And that was a very big deal. You know, my mother's family had come from Puerto Rico. We had everything we needed. We were not lacking for anything.


Dana Diaz says her mother was constantly coaching her about who she is

But in everybody's eyes, it was like my mother was going on, like Cinderella to live this glorious life. And that, of course, Dana should go with her because that's her daughter. I didn't want to go, but I was drug along. and from the get go, it started with this, you know, kind of narrative about we can't be who we are. My mother would straighten my hair. She'd always try to squeeze my little body into, like, gap clothes. And, you know, I had to fit in with the white people. And she would tell me, don't roll your r's and don't tell anyone we're puerto rican. And she even had my last name changed from Diaz to her husband's last name. Had him legally adopt me because it was a more suitable name. It was more caucasian. And I just. She was trying to mold me like she was molding herself, because I would see her with his family and with the neighbors, and she was always trying to dress like they did, act like they did. And I would just look at her like, who are you? Like, why are you denying who you are? Why are you trying to be something you're not? Except she was trying to make me do the same thing. And even at that very young age, I could see it. And I was like, no. Great grandma didn't think there was anything wrong with me the way I was an uncle so and so and cousin so and so. So why is it that I move out here and it's not okay to be me? I can't even have my name. I don't even. I didn't even know who the hell I was half the time because they were constantly coaching me before going into situations. Well, say this and don't say that, and tell him. He's your real father, and nobody needs to know that. It was a lot to keep track of. And I was just like, well, why can't we just be honest? And why do I have to, you know, to be coached about who I am and what our story is going in? It was a lot for a little kid. And, I mean, that's what, 05:00 or 05:00 I'm sorry. I'm thinking a drink. I need a drink right now because I'm getting riled up. I'm talking about five years old. I'm like, it's 05:00 somewhere there's some bar that a little five year old in. Well, when I was three, I was left in a bar in Chicago by my grandfather. That was a whole other thing. He left with a woman that wasn't my grandma and just left me in that bar. And somebody who knew him took me home to my grandma. So, yeah, I mean, I had an eventful little life, even, you know, up to five, six years old. So basically, everything just went down the crapper when my mother got with this guy. But it was more important for her to have this guy and to please him. And now, here was the kicker with this guy, never. I was left alone with him a lot of the time because my mom had to work three jobs, and she, you know, she was always go, go trying to achieve more and make more, because he, you know, this man had to have everything. I didn't know what a narcissist was back then, but I could see he wanted the name brand clothes. He wanted the biggest tv. If the neighbor got something, we had to have it, too. But it had to be better or bigger or, you know, it. It was always, like, topping everyone else. And then he would overtly brag about it. Like, I remember he had an obsession with corvettes. And I remember the one Sunday morning, it was so God awful early on a Sunday morning, and he was literally driving up and down our little street, just blaring his horn, because, like us, everybody was looking out the window, like, who is this a hole? You know, disrupting a Sunday morning? He just wanted everybody to see him in this shiny, pretty corvette, like, look at me and look what I have. And he's still like that to this day. But it was annoying. It was not just annoying. It was. It repulsed me. It disgusted me, because everything with him came down to appearances. And it kind of tied into this whole thing about coaching me and how my mom was, you know, we had to present a certain way. There's that mask we always talk about with narcissism. But the other thing that I noticed as a kid washing. We weren't seeing my family very much anymore. My mom didn't have friends anymore. She used to have friends. We move in with him. No friends. And, you know, it's hard, because when you're a kid, you can't do anything about it, and who are you going to go to? It's not like I, you know, could just pick up the phone and call great grandma and say, come and get me, because nobody else had a car to come and get me. And my mother would have probably put up a fight anyway. But he started using his. His strength, his strong arming me to try to get me to conform. I always say I felt like the horse they couldn't break. So he started using physical force, and my mother would.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, I love it. Oh, I was gonna say, it's kind of like keeping up with the Joneses.

>> Dana Diaz: It was. But that was the light version of it. It was just hard. Like I said, that was a lot of pressure to put on a kid. And the other part of it was, you know, that I haven't even gotten into yet, but I get into in the book, is that it was also because I wasn't his child. It was a big thing about not spending money on me. It was more important to spend money on, things that made him look good. So, like, I had always gone to catholic school. But guess what? After a year in catholic school, when we lived with him, he was like, I'm not paying her tuition. And my mother was the one paying my tuition. But he said, nope, no more. No more. We don't need to do that. That's what we pay taxes for. She can go to the public school. So I go to the public school again, primarily caucasian neighborhood. And back then, people have to remember, this was like Archie Bunker times.


Growing up in Puerto Rico, there was no political correctness. There was no polite society

If anybody remembers him. People were there. There was no political correctness. People just said what it is. Teachers smoked. I mean, it was just how it was. Kids beat each other up. There was no. There was no, you know, polite society, so to speak. So I go to school. The kids won't play with me because they heard I was bastard child. They heard I was illegitimate. They heard my mother was a whore. And their mothers told them, they can't play with me. You know, there was all this stuff, and then I get lice, and then the teachers and the nurses are like, oh, of course, it's the puerto rican kid who gets sliced because they're dirty people, they're nasty people. And, you know, making fun of my teeth, making fun of the. Because I still was rolling my r's a little bit. It's hard. When I grew up with a, Puerto rican Grandma and great grandma who came from the island, they spoke Spanish to me. So I would go home and, like, practice in front of the mirror trying to sound like white people, which, you know, now I apparently got it at 48. But it was really hard at that age because I was, like, at home, I'm being, like, crucified for who I am at school. I'm getting bullied. Then they start. Girls at school started pulling my hair and making fun of my clothes. I got beat up on the playground. You know, it was just exhausting. And I just ended up kind of withdrawing. I was kind of like, you know, the 1980s Wednesday Adams, you know, but. But I had to be, too, because at home it started getting more physical with this man. You know, when my mother wasn't around, there was stuff going on. Like, it started with pulling my pigtails too tight, like yanking my head when he was supposed to just be making pigtails for me to go to school. It was, you know, standing up to him and saying, don't talk to me like that. Because he would tell me nobody loves me and that nobody would ever, ever love me and that he shouldn't have to pay for another man's child and that I was a burden on my mother and I was a mistake and I was an accident. And I would say, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. And, that would. He would grab the back of my head and beat my head against the wall. One time I pick up the phone to call my mother at work for help. And he took the phone and beat me with it. And it just got very, very physical. He dragged me out of bed by my ankles, right out of a dead sleep. So then I started, like, sleeping with one eye open. Because every time I heard, like, the sound of his steps or the sound of his feet on the stairway or coming down the hall, it's like, you know, a cat with the ears going back. Like, I would be like, okay, what is it? Is he coming for me? As, you know, I would hold my breath. I was getting stomachaches, headaches. I mean, I was feeling it. And again, I'm talking like 2nd, 3rd grade. I was just a little kid. And it just got worse. It just got worse. I would go to my mother, she would say, well, I'll go talk to him. Then she'd come back to me with some lecture about how I was lying to get attention or that he thinks I'm just jealous of her relationship with him because I don't have that relationship with her. You know, it was all this stuff. But again, typical narcissists, because what do narcissists like? They isolate you. They want you all to themselves. They don't give a crap that you have a kid that needs you. And my mother apparently didn't give enough of a crap about me to care about me either, because she kept me at a distance. I can't say like I ever remember her like hugging me or soothing me and anything. She just didn't care. She was mortgage. She would actually come to me and say, don't mess this up for me, you know, like as if she was going to lose this life of hers. So it gets much worse. And there were some dicey things, but it was an interesting time when I was in about, I want to say I was in 6th grade. My mother came and got me in my room because I learned after a while I just wasn't going to fight it. I was just going to stay in my room and lock the door and not come out, basically, unless I had to go to school. And when I was 18, I was getting the hell out of there. That was the plan. So I'm in my room about 6th grade. Mother comes and gets me and this is in the book and she says, we have to go have a talk. Takes me into the den and there's my stepfather sitting there with his arms crossed, you know, over his burly little chest there because he was working out, you know, because he had to be big and tough, even though he was not big and tough at all. I think I'm taller than him and I'm only five three. Anyway, I know I could, I feel like I just want to take a swing at him now. But, they sat me down and basically told me they were separating. And my mother even almost made it out to be like it was my fault. I was just like, okay, whatever. Like, I didn't really understand what that meant, but I kind of understood what it meant. I remembered that was about the time that that movie Kramer versus Kramer came out and it was like a big deal that, oh my gosh, they got divorced. Like, people didn't, like, really get divorced as regularly as they do now. So it was a big deal, the divorce and the custody battle and all this stuff. So, like, I was sat down between them, and they're like, so who do you want to stay with? And I'm thinking, honestly, I'd rather go back to great grandma's. I wish I had just stayed there. But given the option, I picked him. I picked the man who was beating the crap out of me. Saying, all these vile things to me doesn't make sense. Made perfect sense to me, though. And my mother took issue with, with me about that. Still to this day, we're estranged. But even one of our very last conversations, she would not let this go. And I explained to her, like I explained back then, I said, well, the thing is, I'm your daughter, so I would just assume you were going to take me with you. But the fact that you didn't, that you would just give me the option on top of you didn't really want me. And you were very open about not having ever wanted me, and you sure didn't want me anymore.


The psychological and emotional damage was far worse than what was being done physically

Now, at least with him, there was some. I mean, I hate to call a narcissist, honest, but I knew where I stood with him. He never tried to hide how he felt, and I I knew how to navigate him. I didn't expect anything more than what he gave, which wasn't much. It was all crap. But what was I supposed to do? I kind of told her, you brought me out here. Now I actually do have a couple friends at school now. We're actually in a house. And, my life is stable. It's crappy, but stable. And you just want, you know, because in my mind, I'm thinking, what, are we gonna go live in another cockroach, infested apartment like we did before? And you're gonna get with another married guy, and then there's gonna be another guy after. Like, I know, I'll stay with this a hole and work it out until I'm 18. You know?

>> Tiffanie: That's crazy. I'm even shocked, though, because he's like, I don't want to pay for another man's child, that he would even allow that.

>> Dana Diaz: He was excited. He actually, right then and there was like, yeah, if you stay here, we'll do up your. Because I had been wanting my room redone, you know? And he's like, yeah, we'll do your room. We'll get you new this, new that you have to remember. I'm in 6th grade. And you have to remember, he's a narcissist. So of course he was trying to entice me and lure me. He's going to be nice to me now because, he thinks I'm the key to this woman, even though she obviously wasn't affected at all. But I mean, you know, talk about lesser of two evils. But I went with the lesser of two evils because honestly, in my mind, the emotional and psychological damage of being. Having a mother who basically neglected and just had zero interest in me whatsoever was much worse than, you know, having my head banged against. you know, I had bruises, I had scratches. We got into it as I got bigger. We wrestled and I fought back and slapped back and punched back. But I got better. I was sore sometimes, but sometimes I did a lot of this, the Wednesday Adam stuff with the hair in my face to hide bruises. I learned about concealer, but they went away. That didn't hurt. Honestly, to this day. I was telling my husband the other day, I'm like, it's, it saddens me because I know there are, there are people out there that have been just viciously, physically abused. And I don't dismiss that because it's awful and it just adds to that feeling of worthlessness and insecure significance that they're trying to make you feel. But in my specific situation, the psychological and emotional stuff was so much worse than what was being done to me physically. So I just was like, yeah, that I can handle. I can get roughed up once in a while and be okay. I'd rather have that than this other stuff, this unknown, because it just was not doing me any good. Well, needless to say, nobody ever left. Nobody ever got divorced. Nobody ever got separated. So there we were, going in the same damn hamster wheel as always. So she didn't leave and it's my fault. And even in my twenties and my thirties, and even when we were estranged for the final time, she never let me forget that she was unhappy in her life and it was my fault because she had to stay, because I said I was staying. So. So, of course so. But I was the ultimate scapegoat. I was to blame for everything. And, you know, there's a lot that happens in this book. Choking on shame. There's all this. Also this whole other sub story about my biological father, and that I will leave for the readers how I ask about him. I'm insistent I finally meet him. But then my mother, creates this vile lie about how I actually was conceived, which she is still perpetuating to this day, because it makes her look like a victim instead of like a hoochie mama 16 year old girl who had sex with her boyfriend, right? Because she's not, you know, a typical narcissist. Again, they can't face any accountability. They either want. They either want people to make them feel like they're superior than everyone else that ended up going in search of him and. And gave him our phone number and started that up. But what was most interesting, and I'm going to give away, probably one of the juiciest things that's in the book, was that I ended, up. You gotta love how you don't want to be anything like your mother. And then you end up being exactly like your damn mother. Got into high school, my parents didn't love me. Life sucked. I had to cut things off with my biological father, even though he was, like, everything a father could and should be. But it was causing way too much, it was just too problematic for home life. So I'm in high school, I'm developing. Girls are coupling with boys. I get me a boyfriend. And I loved him. I mean, loved it, you know, like, that one guy that, from school that you just like. I mean, if you saw him today, your heart would flutter still a little bit, even though they did you wrong. And it all ended and everything but found that guy. And lo and behold, we end up being each other's firsts. And it was a beautiful thing. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to be my first or for it to have happened any other way. But I got pregnant. I got pregnant after being born to my mother and enduring all this crap that I had to endure because she got pregnant with me. Now I'm pregnant. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to go to her and tell her? So we were faced with this terrible, terrible decision because he knew he had witnessed firsthand how my mother and stepfather were and how rough they were with me. And I was like, I don't even know this pregnancy would survive, you know, some of the physical abuse that I was enduring. I was, And I was very ill. I was. It was. Of course, it had to be a pregnancy where I was vomiting like water and crackers and everything. Like, my body just did not want any part of this. And I was gaining weight really fast.


Me, I wanted to escape. I would have been happier to have the baby

So I was like, we got to figure this out. Me, I wanted to escape. I'm like, let's just go. We're gonna. You know, I was. I was young. I thought we were gonna be together forever. And I'm like, let's just go. Let's run off. We'll figure it out. We'll get jobs. Like, who's going to hire 215 year olds? But, in my mind, I'm like, it. Somebody will help us. We have to do something long and short of it. I'll let you, if anyone's interested, read how it all played out. But unfortunately, we felt like there was nothing to do but to end the pregnancy, and it was the last thing that I wanted to do. It was nothing anywhere near what I wanted to do. I would have even been happier to have the baby and give it up for adoption. But I was so terrified of what my mother and stepfather would do to me if they found out I was pregnant, because, fortunately, you know, again, we have to remember this is the early, right in the beginning of the nineties. So baggy clothes, you know, the tie dye rompers and the hammer pants and that stuff. So overalls, like the. Or whatever you call them, they were in even, like, the shorts ones with the leather on them. They were cute. I was still looking cute, but thank God the styles were such that I could hide, and I was only, like, 100 pounds, thank God. So it just looked like I had a really heavy meal, but I could hide it, but there was only so long before you can, you know, hideous. So it was a whole thing, and probably one of the. Well, easily the biggest regret of my life, because I wanted that baby desperately. and I felt like. I felt resentful to my mother and stepfather that because of them and because of the way they were, that they. I didn't expect them to be happy, but I honestly was like, I don't know what they're gonna do. Well, we ended the pregnancy. It's the most awful thing. I don't know how people do it, because having experienced it, there's no way in f. Ing hell, even if I was raped, that I could ever do that again, ever. Ah, it's awful. I'm just going to say that. But I carried a lot of guilt. I was angry at myself. I was angry at my mother. I mean, and I'm raging with hormones, and I'm 15, which is scary in itself. And I'm a girl. It got bad. And my mother came to me. I don't know how she found out, but she, I'm sitting there eating silently, and, I mean, and I'm suffering because there's a lot of physical pain that comes after that, too. Not that anybody would feel sorry for me after what I'd done. I didn't even feel sorry for myself. But I'm just sitting there eating in silence, and out of nowhere she says, do you even know who the father is? And I was like, I've been with one boy. Like, he's been my boyfriend for a year and a half. And she just started in on me. She had this whole plan. She told me that she and my stepfather had already figured it out there. They didn't want me there anyway, they're gonna, she actually showed me this brochure. They're going to send me to Europe, to this boarding school for girls only. And after the baby's born, they're going to bring it back here, legally, adopt it. Tell everyone they just adopted this baby from overseas from an orphanage, because, you know, they're so generous and gracious and charitable and makes them look good. And then they said, as she said, you can stay over there in Europe. We'll pay for you to stay there. You'll have a good education, you can live your life, do whatever you want to do. We'll make sure you have money. Just stay over there. And, I mean, I was in such shock that, like, she had devised this whole plan to get rid of me, her only daughter, over a child that, well, she didn't know was no longer existent. But in my mind, I was like, as much as I hated to have done what I did, thank God, because over my dead body would I let her ever have anything to do with my child. Well, it escalated that night, because, again, I'm 15 and I'm pissed. I am pissed, I am angry, I am raging. I just started screaming, every profanity at her, beginning with, why the f, don't you care about me? Why the f, can't you love me? That's how it started. And I remember it very clearly. It gets fuzzy. But in between all that, she and my stepfather pounced on me. I was straddled, my hands held down, punched, slapped, beaten, wrestled every which way. And I remember being on the floor, being pinned down, and just repeatedly slapped and punched. And out of the corner of my eye I saw they had had a child together. Believe it or not, you could reverse a tubal ligation. And this man had to have his own child at some point. So after 16 miscarriages, my mother had this little boy. He's one and a half. He's jumping up and down on the bed, giggling and smiling, completely oblivious that I'm being beaten to a freaking pulp right outside the bedroom door. And he's looking. So, I mean, we had eye contact, and it was the biggest mind fda you can imagine. But what was worse was that after I had kind of wrestled myself out of that, my mother wasn't even my stepfather. It was my mother put her hands around my neck and strangled me. And I went black. I'm kicking. I'm fighting, I'm pulling. I couldn't breathe. I went black. And then I realized I remembered, like, I couldn't, There was nothing. Everything was dizzy and black, and I just. Something in my head was like, she just had some kind of procedure on her stomach. She just had something done, and I don't even remember what it was, but I took my leg, and I kicked her in the stomach, and she let go. But before she let go, she flung me down the stairs.


Child services called the next day at school because you can only imagine what I looked like

And I went halfway down the stairs and just remembered kind of being, like, mangled on the landing. But it was like it didn't even matter what had happened. I knew I was hurt, but I. I got my ass up and ran the hell out of that house. I got the hell out of there. Child services were called the next day at school because you can only imagine what I looked like. And I believe it or not, despite all this, little hiccup that I had. Big hiccup. I was a very good girl. I was a very good girl. Never smoked, never drank. I tried to go to a party once and got a cab ride home because I didn't like being around the kids drinking and smoking and stuff. Never did weed. To this day, probably should. I just. I was a good girl. I was a very honor roll. First chair in two orchestras, taught myself to play. I mean, I really was a straight arrow. So my dumb ass went to school the next day, and obviously, the teachers were seeing me. It looked rough. And, So they called the cops to come pick me up, and they called child services, and I tried to tell them what happened to being truthful, but mom and stepdad already beat them. I talk about it in the book as it was being taken to the police station and seeing them, it was reminiscent of in the movie Annie, the original one, where Rooster and Lily were pretending that they were her parents. And, oh, they were so sad. And that's the bullshit act that I was seeing at the police station, and that's the act that they gave child services. So child services didn't even investigate very much. When the police officer came in, he's like, well, they interviewed a couple people that work for you, they interviewed their employees. Of course their employees are going to say nice things for them. They don't want to lose their jobs. And they interviewed some neighbors. Well, that's nice. What about all this stuff on you?

>> Tiffanie: Like, obviously, you have, bruises.

>> Dana Diaz: Oh, I had hand marks. I had bruises. I had scratches. I was a damn wreck. Mother and stepdad said that I self inflicted. Inflicted those because I was mentally unstable. I was so mentally unstable that they were concerned about bringing me back home because my poor little brother. My poor little brother, my poor little brother that I had been actually fantasizing in my head, like, trying to figure out a plan to take him and, like, go just, like, just disappear with him, because they didn't even deserve him, never mind me. And I was afraid for him. I was actually upset that I had to leave him in that house knowing what they were capable of with me. So, nobody questioned it. Nobody asked me if it was true or not. Like I said, I don't even call that an investigation. But the officer looked at me and said, well, you have to go home unless there's somewhere else you can go. And they were pulling this crap. They said, well, she can go stay with this relative we have. And they started talking about a relative we have that that was struggling. They were a one income household with six, six children and lived on the south side of Chicago where there's gangs and, you know, people live in bug infested houses and stuff. And I love my family, and my aunts and uncle and my cousins very much. But, you know, again, my mother and stepfather, who are, you know, kind of more hoity toity, or at least they thought they were. I could see through it. They were trying to, like, oh, well, send her, go live into poverty. And I would have, because I would have been fine there. I would probably been happy there, except I knew that my mother and stepfather would use the money that they had. You know, perceivably they had much more than the rest of the family, and they would still have influence over me with that family member. You know what I mean? So I said, no, I'm not. I'm not going home. I'm not going there. I will go anywhere else. There were two families from my school that offered to take me and offered to take legal guardianship. And one even said they would legally adopt me if need be, and that would require my mother and stepfather's consent and their signatures, and they would not cooperate. So instead, instead, my stepfather and my mother said that it was only appropriate for me to go into a facility for the mentally ill.

>> Tiffanie: You gotta be fucking kidding me.

>> Dana Diaz: I was taken that night and admitted to this facility to the third floor, which was where the kids, I believe it was ages eleven to 18, resided. I, was taken to a room, by the way. Stripped down, treated like I'm absolutely nuts. Talked to my roommate. She seemed nice enough. Hispanic girl. I'll never forget her, actually. I left there liking her very much. I just didn't like so much what she did to become a resident there. Found out that night after the AIDS had given me something to put me to sleep because they didn't want any problems with me being upset or anything. Overnight, I'm getting drowsy. And she proceeds, you know, I'm like, oh, so why are you here? This is what happened to me. And she says, oh, well, I stabbed my friend to death. And I'm like, you're kidding, right? Because she seemed. She seemed funny. And, she reminded me of, like, blanche on the golden girls. Except 1213, you know, like. But she was so cute and so funny. Even had that same short hairdo. And I'm like, okay. And she's like, no, really. She pissed me off. And so I stabbed her over and over until she was dead. And, I mean. And I'm getting drowsy from the stuff they gave me to go to sleep. And I'm like, this is freaking fabulous. So next thing I know, I wake up and I'm like, thank God I'm alive.


A young man ends up in a mental hospital under bizarre conditions

Okay, like, we'll figure this out. I just need a phone. I need to call somebody. Well, you're not allowed to use the phone. And you can't have a pen or pencil to write anybody, for anybody to mail anything. You can't even have freaking shoelaces. You can't have a razor to shave yourself. You can barely have a toothbrush because you might gag yourself or stick somebody with it somehow. You can't use utensils. You only get plastic spoons to eat with, even if it's meat. It was something. But the worst thing, the weirdest thing was, you know, I go through this whole routine where they're. They're kind of showing me, touring me through. This is how we do things around here. And this is what. And I'm taken to this community room. And it's just like you see in the movies where it's just one big room where you spend the whole day being crazy with everybody else. That's crazy. And they're like, just get yourself some breakfast. There's some little cereal boxes over there and whatever. And I'm scanning the room, you know, you got the rocking kid in the corner. There was this other gal that seemed completely delusional, and she's repeatedly banging it. I'm, not even kidding. She's repeatedly banging a chair against the wall of windows that were apparently shatterproof, indestructible. You got everything in between going on. But then I see one seemingly normal a boy sitting at a table eating cereal. And he looks up at me and I'm like, oh, my God. It's a kid from my class at school. He had been missing for the last month, and nobody knew where the hell he was or what had happened to him. And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, how m, how do I end up here under these terms and see somebody and, not where I thought I'd run into anybody, right? And he proceeds to tell me, he's like, well, my mom's got a drinking problem, and she was getting out of control one night, and I tried to, you know, stop her from hurting herself or hurting me. And she called the cops and she told them that I'm nuts and that I'm abusive to her and all this stuff to have them take me away. But he says, instead of taking me to jail, they brought me here. She admitted me here. And I'm like, sitting there thinking, like, is this what the wealthy caucasian people do with their children when they don't approve? Approve of what they do? They stick them in the damn loony bin because it seemed to be a trend. I mean, here's two of us from the same school. It was so baffling to me that this was a thing. Like, why can't you just ground me? Why can't you? I go stay with a friend for a week. This is extreme. Lucky for him. I will say this, it was nice to have somebody kind of tell me how stuff goes there and how to, how to navigate it and how to get your way and kind of manipulate things to, you know. But it wasn't hard for me because, well, even the psychiatrist, you know, you have to meet with them and they evaluate you. And he's like, yeah, I don't. There's no prescriptions to give you because I don't see anything wrong with you. It's just that my mother wouldn't let them release me. She would not take me home. So I was stuck there, and this kid was like, yeah, well, I've seen that happen. You're going to be stuck here till the insurance runs out. I'm like, oh, yeah, then I'll go home. Because that bastard stepfather of mine wasn't going to pay for me to stay in a place like that, you know? I mean, it was more expensive than putting me up in a fancy hotel. I'm sure if he had to pay out of pocket. So once that insurance was up, I was like, sure, you know? I'm like, okay, how long do people stay here with insurance? And he's like, yeah, about 30 days. I'm like, oh, my God, I. That's a long time. And I'm thinking I'm gonna miss homecoming and the pep rally and the dance and all this stuff. you know, I'm laughing about it now, but what a horrific experience for somebody who even the doctors were like, yeah, they didn't even medicate me at night anymore. They're just like, yeah, you're just gonna have to stay here. What are we supposed to do? We cannot diagnose you because there is nothing wrong with you. But then why wasn't anybody persecuting my mother and my stepfather, you know? And I wasn't allowed visitors, and they didn't even come to see me. They didn't even come to see me. And so it was just like, they just forgot about me altogether. And I remember the day I was released, and actually, it's one of my favorite chapters in my book, choking on shame, you know, they told me that morning, they're like, you're being released today. And I was like, okay. Like, there was no notice of it. I was glad. But then I stay. I thought that's what I wanted. But then I'm like, I almost don't want to go home, though, because by that point, I'd made friends with the aides. And, you know, the one let me sneak in a phone call to my boyfriend the one day, like I was getting, like, little perks and, you know, they were letting me play music and, you know, I was on palms, so I was, like, doing routines for everybody. And the kids were, you know, liking me. I just, for once, I felt like I belonged. Like I fit in somewhere. And it's sad that it was in a mental facility, but they were my people.

>> Tiffanie: A hell of a lot better.

>> Dana Diaz: They treated me better. And that was the sad part, is that when I had to pack up my stuff and say, I'm actually literally physically feeling chills right now, remembering in my head, packing my stuff up, even my murderous roommate, I was so sad to see her. I was like, stay out of trouble, you know? Like, what? But she was so cheery and positive, and she was like, you know, she was like my little buddy, and like, oh, that's my girl. That's my girl. And just everybody there, you know, they were all sad. All the nurses, all the aides, all the doctor, the psychiatrist, they were all. It's like one of those. I hate to say it, like, when you watch on TikTok when, like, somebody is, like, dying and they're gonna give all their organs away, and they, like, go down that hall and we're all. I,


You write about being estranged from your mother in your third book

Even just watching it. I. Gosh, like, the tears, because you're like, oh, my God, this is us. But everybody's standing with their head down, like, in honor of the person. That's kind of how it felt as I was walking down the hall with my bag of, you know, the few things I was allowed there. It was just like, everybody was sad, and I was sad that I was leaving. And I remember, you know, like I say in the book, the elevators closed. And then when they reopened, there's my mother. And she wouldn't even look at me. She wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't say one word. Not a goddamn word. Walked to the car well ahead of me. I actually stopped halfway in the parking lot and looked back to see if maybe the security guard might let me back in, because I was like, I felt more love inside that building, locked in this facility, than I do now that I'm free and breathing fresh air for the first time in over a month, literally, than I did with this woman. So I finally, while she was driving, assuming we were going back to scene of the crime, the house, I said, can you just take me to school? And she's like, really? You want to go to school? Do you know this is on your record now? And now when your brother gets older, it's going to be on his record. And you've tarnished the family name, and you have the nerve and just pounding into me. And, Yeah, I think that it was somewhere between when she had her hands around my neck and that moment there in the car a month later that I was just like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I think I had always had hope that I'd have a mother. And I'm 48 now. And you know what? Not gonna lie. There are still moments. I mean, we all watch, say yes to the dress and all this other crap that we have in our heads that, you know, these moments we're supposed to have with a mother. And I didn't have those moments. I didn't have that moment with my mother when I was pregnant or when I had my son. I didn't have that. I've been married now three freaking times. Only two men, but three times. Don't ask about the second one. That's in the third book. Two weddings, one guy. But, you know, not one of those times that I have a mother say, let's go dress shopping, or a mother that came and had that moment with me before I walked down the aisle. I had nothing of that. And to this day, we are estranged for the third and final time. I'm getting. I'm much better off with it, but I don't think it ever goes away, because my stepfather, okay, he's just a dick. And let's just call it what it is, you know, to have your own mother. That's a rejection that just. Like I said, no wonder. No wonder I left the house at 18, basically ready to jump through any hoop anybody set out for me to. If it meant having one tiny bit of affection or love. And I use love loosely, I would say love being whatever seemed to be love. Which is why I fell for a narcissist, because they prey on that. They prey on codependency. They prey on the people pleaser. They prey on the person that will do anything to make peace, just as long as you continue to say you love them and maybe act like you do once in a while. And that's what sent me into 25 years of frickin hell that ended with a man who wanted to kill me, planned to kill me, and made two attempts after our divorce, and still I deal with it because he only lives 7 miles away on purpose, and I moved out of our area. So it's been interesting. It's been interesting, to say the least.


I had a mother and a stepfather who both came from abusive childhoods

but you want to talk about true crime? I think what my mother and stepfather had done to me, the fact that they were able to fool authorities, the fact that they got away with it, and the fact that, like, you know, all the years, all the times I started going to therapy willingly at 18 because I. You think I didn't know? I was struggling with anxiety, depression. I had triggers. By the time I left the house, I mean, I was a damn wreck. And then you add in a 25 year marriage to an abusive narcissist who wanted me dead. Yeah, that'll fuck a girl up a little bit. But years of therapy, and I have no recourse. I can't sue anybody for damages or money or anything. And it doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem right that all joking aside, that I am burdened with. With the responsibility of basically dealing with their unhealed trauma, because that's what this comes down to. I had a mother and a stepfather who both came from abusive childhoods and thought it was okay to scapegoat me with their pain and their trauma. Then I had an ex husband who did the same damn thing. And now here I am at 48, still going through the process of, And it's like an excavation of your, like, the core of your soul. Anybody who's been through really effective therapy, I mean, it just. It tears you open. And it's almost worse than just going through life with your issues. It's awful. But I'm glad that I'm finally getting to the point where my birthday can come. And it doesn't bother me that I was born on my mother's birthday and that I'll always have that damn reminder. And it doesn't bother me that it's right after Christmas, two days after, and that I am not invited by any family anymore over the holidays because I'm such a disgrace for speaking my truth. How could I do that to my mother? How could I do that to my stepfather? So all of my families, except for my grandma, my godmother and a couple cousins that don't even live anywhere near me, they're way out of state, across the country, but nobody else speaks me. So I don't get invited to Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving. I don't get happy birthday cards. I get nothing. And my son even, you know, unfortunately, and I understand he gets invited still, and he goes, because those are his families. But the disloyalty that I feel, you know, it's a little selfish, but I can't help but feel hurt by that because I get to be alone yet I didn't do a goddamn thing to anybody. I didn't do a damn thing to anybody.

>> Tiffanie: I'm, sorry.

>> Dana Diaz: It's okay.

>> Tiffanie: Do you talk to your brother?

>> Dana Diaz: He drank the Kool aid a couple years ago, so I thought we could be okay. But, you know, it's interesting how narcissists work, because they just will not stop. They will not stop. They keep going. I mean, even I'm talking. Even last week, I had to hear from somebody. Well, I heard that they said this, or they're sick. And it's like, why we haven't talked for what? I mean, what's it been, six years? Five? Six? Like, why why can't you just live your life? Leave me alone. Let me do my thing. You do yours. You know, I'm being as respectful as I can, changing names and not giving certain details so nobody will know it's you. But just let me be. There's a lot. There's a lot to unfold, a lot to unravel. But it'll be interesting, I think, once people see with this third book, that's where I'll talk more about this after stuff, the smear campaigns and how you just have to find a way, well, how life kind of makes you, if you're willing and open to it, to get to that place where you can be at peace, where it doesn't affect you, you know? Because that's the thing that I think most people struggle with that have had any kind of abuse or trauma, is the depression and anxiety on top of the million other things you might have to deal with. But the depression, it's that sadness about the past and all the things that happen, and you just can't get over the fact that people are that cruel and that they would do those things to you on purpose. And then that anxiety that kicks in because you don't trust your damn future. You don't trust that. That person that seems like you can trust him. You don't trust that, you know, gal or that guy that, you know, seems really nice, and they seem like that. You just don't trust anything or anybody. And you barely trust yourself to make a good judgment about who somebody is. So you're always worried. You're hyper vigilant, looking for evidence to support that. You're right, that nobody is that good. Nobody. There's something underneath there. I don't trust this or that. I've even. I'm remarried to somebody I've known a very long time, and I love him very much. But I've even told him, I, I'm hoping one day I trust him. But. And he's like, but we're married. And I'm like, doesn't mean I trust you. Trust you in some things, not another's. There's only. Well, I'll say two people, honestly, that I implicitly 100% trust, but one is my cousin that I grew up with. Literally, my great grandma had both of us at the same time because he was also. He had a single mother, and. And he's essentially been my brother and my big brother. And to this day, he is probably the only person I truly 100, 100% trust, as well as a friend. Of mine from 30 some years ago because she can finish my sentences and things like I do. But we have to deal with these things, and these are not things to be taken lightly. Like, people will say, let it go, or, you know, just don't dwell on it. Do you think anyone wants to? Do you think we want to carry this shit into every freaking relationship and carry it to work and carry it to the damn grocery store and the bank into your kids t ball games and. No, but guess what? It's a part of who we are. And, you know, that's something. I know we were talking on social media, actually, the other day about this idea of imposter syndrome, and I threw that out there very flippantly. But. But it is this thing that I'm going through now because, you know, like, for me, the healing has been, where I'm at at least, you know, looks like I could see the finish line or at least, you know, towards an end of it, if there ever is an end.


Dana says she's trying to figure out who she is now

But it's like I'm shedding the skin that I've been living in for so long. I'm shedding that victim, you know, I'm shedding that person that I thought I was or that I had always been. And I think I'm trying to figure out who the hell I am now. Not that I don't know myself, but this new life where everything is like rainbows and sunshine, and I have, like, a healthy, normal husband who doesn't want me dead and who actually respects me, and we can have a disagreement and still be talking and laughing and everything's fine. Like, I don't know what that. That I don't understand this. It's like, it's like going in, you know, like, with blind people. It's like I can't see. I don't know what's out there. So I'm, like, poking with a stick, like, trying to figure out, like, I don't even know what to do with this or where to go. So it's like, I know, but that's the thing. It's transforming. It's trying to figure out you're not going to be who you were and you don't want to be that person, but you're trying to adapt that, because that developed who you are now. So, like, how does that translate? So I just say, like, I feel like I'm in a chrysalis, and I'm, like, trying to bust out of it and fly. I'm like, right, there. I'm ready to spread those wings. But I'm still. There's part of me that's still holding on to that past because that. That's what I do now. It's given me my mission and my purpose in life, to advocate for others who have been that child in that home or that woman in that toxic marriage that fears what would happen if she left with her kid. And so it's just going to be a part of who I am, and I have to figure that out. But it's all good.

>> Tiffanie: It will always be a part of who you are. But you don't have to live there. Unpack, unpack those boxes. You have been so strong. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You're a strong little bitch. And, you need to take ownership of that. You've been through some shit. And instead of being like, oh, my gosh, like, look at what I had to overcome, look what I got to overcome. Look at who it turned me into now. And use that as your superpower to be the best Dana that you can possibly be, because you are literally beautiful inside and out. And no, you need to let it shine. You can't live back there anymore. You can't. It's gonna you.

>> Dana Diaz: Yeah. And I. That's the part that I won't let. That's still that tenacious five, six year old that's like, oh, hell no. That's not how this is ending. This story is not ending that way. You're right. And. But I also can't be anything that I'm not. And that's why think it's so important to me to be upfront and honest, even if it's not exactly what people might expect from somebody who's supposed to be this, you know, shining example of what life could be when you overcome all that. Because this is the thing. This is real. This is real. And what I am going through and what I will still continue to go through and what I have been through are things that too many people, even if all you had to deal with was a nasty bully in high school, affects you. If you were affected by one parent, never mind two. If you had a bad relationship, if you had a string of bad relationships. Oh, my God. The things that stay with us and form exactly everything about who we are and why we think the way we think and why we can or can't connect with people. I want to be completely raw and real so that people can come on this journey with me and say, okay, I'm there with her, but maybe I'm okay because she seems okay, but she's openly not perfect. So maybe it's okay to not be perfect, because that's the key to this, is I will never call myself broken or damaged. That's bullshit. I don't like when people say that because we have to be nicer to ourselves. That's the biggest thing for me, is, like, now, like, when I have a. I might have a day where I'm, like, a total. Like, I go down that rabbit hole, and I'm, an absolute, absolute crazy case. But then other times, I can stop myself and say, we're not doing that today. It's not worth it. I'm not ruining this day with all that stupid crap from 30 years ago. And then I say, good job, Dana. Good job with that. And I actually do pat myself on the back where I have moments. I am actually a phenomenal mother, and I'll just be like, good job, mom. Good job, mom. You know how to raise that boy. You know, we need to start honoring ourselves more instead of, you know, using the self deprecation, because everybody's affected. Everybody goes their crap. Everybody. Every damn day. You have no idea. And I think that was the thing that somebody told me, and, you know, I'm a swiftie. And it. It spoke to me when she said in that one sign, who's afraid of little old me? She says, don't tell me everything's not about me. But what if it is? And it's like. But that's exactly it. We take things so damn personally after a childhood like that or after a marriage like that that we think, really, everything does fall on me. Everybody's happiness is determined by me and what I say and what I do. And so now I got a people. Please. And I got to make sure everyone's happy. I got to take care of everyone else and not me. And we don't need to be that way anymore. We can start saying yes to ourselves and no to other people. And if they respect that, then they're your people. And if they don't, then they were just using you. And that's just what it is, whether you like it or not.


Danasdas says everyone should live for now and be present

>> Tiffanie: Absolutely. There's no such thing as perfect. You're never going to be perfect. No one is ever going to be perfect.

>> Dana Diaz: Nobody.

>> Tiffanie: But it's time that you put yourself first and you keep yourself there.

>> Dana Diaz: Yeah. Yeah. And that's what I've been doing, and it's been going good. And, you know, we're working on just living in the present because that's my biggest thing, too, is that I think we do get so caught up. A lot of people, even people that come to me and they say, I want to change, I want to heal, I want to get, you know, overcome this, or I want to be able to leave this relationship, but they don't really, because you tell them, okay, here's some steps. Here's something you can do. Here's some tool that will help you. Oh, well, that won't work for me. And it's like, okay, well, then you don't want it that bad. And it's no judgment, but you have to 100% be ready to leave that relationship to start your healing, to get yourself, you know, everything has to be on your terms. But that's also part of that power, you know? And I don't judge anybody of if they want to stay and do what they're doing, if they want to live in that victimhood, go for it. It's not where I want to be. I want to be able to actually be present today in this world, not having my foot in the past or my foot worrying about a future. I don't even know. I'm guaranteed we got to start living for now. And I don't care what you've been through or what. I have met amputees. I have met people with all kinds of physical and emotional disabilities. And you know what? The best thing ever in the world is to see them just laugh at something right here and right now. Because there's nothing more present than experiencing that joy and have something just tickle your heart that way. And that's just the best thing ever. And I truly believe everybody should live for now and be present.

>> Tiffanie: 110% can't live in the past. The past made you who you are today. You deal with that and you keep it moving forward.

>> Dana Diaz: Exactly. So that's the plan, ma'am?

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, I'm guessing the books on Amazon, everybody loves their. Their Amazon.

>> Dana Diaz: I love Amazon just as much as everybody else. Yes, it is an ebook and print form. And I say that because especially the first book, gasping for air, when you have abuse in the title, sometimes we don't want other people to see that if we're still in a situation. So, no, you can get that on your Kindle, on your phone, pull up the app. You can get it right there. But, yeah, both books are available. And I encourage everybody to go to my website as well. Danasdas.com dot. There is a quiz on there that you can take to tell you if you're in a narcissistic, abusive relationship with anybody because they come in all forms. They come in men and women and parents and siblings and friends and co workers and children. Sometimes it sucks, but, you know, it is what it is and it's a part of life. And again, you just have to know who you are and stand firm with your boundaries. I think that's key. And then, please do keep me on your instagram, on your Facebook, follow me, because I do have that third book in this narcissistic trilogy coming. Actively working on the fifth revision of it. I have rewritten it now five times because I want it to be perfect, but it will talk more. It's the sequel to gasping for air. So it talks more about, like, this, getting with somebody after all that abuse and trauma and trying to figure out 40 some years of junk in your head that's affecting you physically and affecting relationships and getting married again and healing. It's an interesting r1. Interesting. But I'm trying to share whatever wisdom that I've learned along the way. So very good.

>> Tiffanie: I'll make sure I put your links in the show notes. And also if anybody would like to follow me, it is truecrimeconnections.com. also on Instagram, TikTok. I'm actually videos now on YouTube, so exciting stuff happened in there and.

>> Dana Diaz: All right.

>> Tiffanie: It was so good to have you.

>> Dana Diaz: Back on as well. Thank you for having me. I know that we go back and forth on, I think, Instagram often enough, but it's nice to have an actual conversation with you that's not electronic.

>> Tiffanie: No, absolutely.

>> Dana Diaz: I agree.

>> Tiffanie: All right, well, until next time, thank you so much.