Unmasking the Abuser - A Survivor's Tale | Sarah ​Doucette

This week we are talking about intimate partner violence and coming back to self

>> Tiffanie: Hello, everybody, and welcome, or welcome back. This is True crime Connections, and I am Tiffanie, your host. This week we are talking about intimate partner violence and coming back to your true self this week. Joining us is Sarah Doucette, who is an author, advocate, podcast host, and survivor. So thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you for being here.

>> Sarah Doucette: Thank you. I'm so excited to chat.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, me too. Seems like we had quite a bit in common, so I also have been through financial abuse and all that fun shit. So I don't know where you would like to start in your journey, but we're ready. Yeah.

>> Sarah Doucette: Awesome.


One in three women and one in four men have experienced intimate partner violence

So let's start at the beginning. it was a dark and stormy night. No, I'm just kidding. yeah. So I wrote a book, and so I am an author, published author, which is just crazy to think about because I just wrote my own story, and I felt like, for me, it was time to kind of stop hiding and being afraid of what people were gonna think of me, because, you know, all of this stuff happened. One of the things that I hate is that when women specifically start talking, being victims of intimate partner violence, being tricked by someone, they always preface the conversation by, I'm a very smart person, and I think that it's so important that more people start talking because I don't care. You could be the most genius person on the planet, and, someone who is a professional manipulator can get their claws into you. You don't see it coming. They don't walk up to you and be like, hi, I'm a, narcissistic sociopath, and I'm going to take advantage of you, right? Like, you have no idea. So it really doesn't matter. Your level of intellect, your socioeconomic background, your culture that you come from, your ethnicity. It happens to everyone. The latest statistics are showing one in three women and one in four men have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime of varying degrees. That's a lot of these m that means that you could stand in a crowd, and one in three of the women in that crowd have a similar lived experience as you. So, for me, the journey on kind of writing the book started a few years ago. So the book came out in 2022. And a couple years before that, someone that knew my ex husband and I had posted an article, kind of like an op ed. I don't know what to call it. but they posted it on LinkedIn, and, girl, I read that, and I just had, like, the fire in my soul. I was so mad because they wrote this story about my ex husband. And just, like, everyone had done our whole lives together, he was such a great guy. You know, he was the life of the party. Everyone loved him. he had, like, all these nicknames that he went by. Steve o, the Steven. Like, he was just so charismatic, right? And I was so tired of everyone glorifying him that I finally was just like, no. Like, I have to tell my story. And I started by writing a pretty large response to his article on LinkedIn, because he had flat out told some. Some lies. There's this, I call it a phenomenon, but everyone's probably heard of it or experienced it in some way. But this, like, revisionist history, right? Where, like, we rewrite the things that happened for, you know, to make ourselves feel better or feel less guilt or we're just. For whatever reason, people do it. I don't fully understand. But, you know, I had to tell him, like, don't use my life to get sympathy for yourself. And so my. My ex husband, died by suicide. So that's really the trigger to this whole story, was me receiving a phone call from his mom late one night, being told that his body was found in the woods. And then from there, kind of the investigation begins. Right? Like, okay, so how does die in the woods in a way that could be homicide or suicide, and it's under investigation and trying to, like, pull back the thread on what happened. After reading the article and kind of putting that gentleman in his place as nicely as I possibly could, he sent me a link to a Google Drive that he had. So he had done all this research that I didn't even know was possible. And in there, he had police reports, and his article had talked about some crimes that my ex husband had committed. And I was just so confused, because even though I was in contact with his parents through this whole thing, not one person mentioned to me when I asked, like, why would he. Why would he end his life? I don't understand. And they just kept telling me, he died of a broken heart. He died of a broken heart. And I was like, that's some crap. Cause the only person that guy ever loved was himself. unless he broke his own heart, I'm pretty sure there's something else going on here. So, looking at the police reports, I find that the very same. And I'm telling you, when you read the book, the similarities between what my ex husband did to me and what he did to a business partner are just uncanny. So, same things he did to me, he did to a business partner. And that, business partner uncovered what was happening. And so he was, facing charges of felony grand larceny and swindling of over $250,000. Yeah, so he was looking at significant jail time. each charge held, I think, combined, the max sentence would be about 30 years if he got fully. Like, they threw the book at him for both charges. So he was looking at some jail time, probably ten to 30 years, depending on and how things landed. And so his parents, got him out on bond, and while he was out on bond, he died by suicide.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, man.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah. So it is a heavy story. I don't, make any qualms about that. So, you know, if you want to read my book, which, is called stronger than a domestic violence survivor, uncovers the truth about her abuser. It's a memoir. It talks a little bit about my early life, how I met my ex husband, how our relationship unfolded. And then when I get to the point where I'm finding out about his crimes, I take you with me as I investigate the whole thing. So I get copies of the police reports for both his crimes and his death. I interviewed the business partner that he, defrauded. that's a really interesting conversation, because rightfully so, that man was angry. and, of course, never got restitution. Right, because he died by suicide. Before anything could go further, it could go to trial. I spoke with one of his best friends, at the time of all of his crimes. I also spoke with, the woman that he had an affair with during our marriage. And, yeah, that was a good one, too. And then I also had an interview, pseudo interview. She wouldn't speak to me on the phone, but we, talked on Facebook with the girl that he was, in a relationship with at the time of his arrest and his. And, suicide.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, wow.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah. So there's some really, really interesting conversations that go. That go on in this book. and then you need to add.

>> Tiffanie: Like, PI to your resume here, girl.

>> Sarah Doucette: Right? I love it.


Babe writes about financial and economic abuse in her new book

No, and it's so funny, because, like, one of my proud moments. I don't know what to call it. Maybe you have a better word for it than I do. So when I was speaking with the business partner, he told me that he had hired a PI to find me. And I had spent those. Those two and a half years between our divorce and when, he died, keeping my location. And I had done it just through, like, not really updating documents. I had, like, when I filed for divorce, I used my cousin's address who was on the SWAT team for the sheriff's department of the county we were in. So, like, if I was, like, show up at his house, see what happens. Yeah. And then, you know, when I moved back to my home state of Maine, that was in Florida when I was married and the divorce happened, you know, I used my parents address. I used, like. I just never used the right addresses. And apparently that worked really well. Cause this PI never found me. The business partner could tell me my dad's name. He knew where my dad worked, all of this stuff. But he was like, I never found you. It wasn't until I reached out and found him, and he was, like, desperate to talk to me. He was just like, I have been looking for you for years. And I was like, oh, okay. Pat myself on the back.

>> Tiffanie: Hell, yeah.

>> Sarah Doucette: That actually worked. Didn't know. so it was just a wild ride to kind of, like, investigate all of this and really, you know, do a deep dive into how we met, how our relationship unfolded. And it was very validating to talk with other people who interacted with him and see how I was not alone in being conned and swindled by him. especially, you know, his business partner was a doctor, right? A very smart, smart man. A surgeon. Like, very intelligent man by all standards. And it happened to him as well.

>> Tiffanie: Usually there is, like, is it awake bodies? Is that like the saying? Or. But there's a bunch of people usually, that are also impacted, but some people are scared to talk about it, you know, especially maybe if you're a surgeon or you're this or that. You know what I mean? You're like, people are going to think I'm dumb because I fell for it, but no, that's not it at all.

>> Sarah Doucette: No, no, it's not. And I'll tell you, like, since I started kind of talking out about this and the, book came out, and I've been doing podcast interviews. I mean, I've had people from all over the world reach out to me after hearing and listening to a podcast and just be like. I mean, I woke up one morning to a woman from Australia saying she was walking to her dog and listening to a podcast interview I did. And she was just like, I do not feel as alone. She's like, your story is very similar to mine. And I was like, that's. That's what it's for, man. That's what we're. That's why I'm talking. That's why I'm here. That's why I survived right. Because I, you know, I feel like I need to find purpose in what happened. Otherwise, I will drive myself crazy with, like, well, like, pardon my friends, but what the fuck did I do that I. Like? What would I do in a, past life that, like, this is the marriage that I started out my life with? So a big part of m my story, which you alluded to, in the beginning to, is, financial and economic abuse, and specifically a thing called coercive debt. So I find that not a lot of people have heard of coercive debt. Specifically. They might understand the concept of financial and economic abuse in the sense that typically, the partner is very controlling of finances. I've spoken with women who are given weekly or monthly budget for grocery shopping, and God forbid the price of eggs go up and they have to spend more than their allotted budget, and then they're just, like, completely humiliated, yelled at, beaten, whatever. It is the punishment that their respective spouses do just because instead of the eggs being $1.99, they're 299. So the grocery bill was over by a dollar. It's insane what some of these people do to control people. in my situation, it was coercive debt. So coercive debt can happen in a couple of ways. So it can happen where, and it happened to me in kind of both ways. Right, where the first time we got into debt together. Babe, your credit is so much better than mine. You should definitely finance this new car for us. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. so you financed the car, and now the car is in your name. And then, you know, my ex husband was terrible with finances, and so payments are being missed, and my credit is being ruined. The other way is he basically just flat out stole my identity. So when we ended up getting divorced, I needed to finance a car, and I was quoted a 16% interest rate. And I was just completely and utterly shocked because when we got married, my credit was around, like, 780, and I expected to get excellent financing. And when we got to Forrest, my credit was, low. And I found that he had gone online. And the very first time he did it, was with Dell. So he went on Dell's website, filled out their credit application, used my Social Security number, e signed all the forms, and purchased himself this $3,000 gaming laptop. This was in 2006, and he had it shipped to work. And so he came home from work one day with this big, fancy laptop, and I'm like, oh, wow, where'd you get that? And he tells me that he had just been promoted, which was true. And that they provide all new general managers with a laptop so they can work from home. And I believed him. I had no reason not to. I mean, at that point, we had been married for, like, a month and a half. And so six years later, in 2012, when we're getting divorced and I need to finance a car, that $3,000 laptop is now over $6,000 because he never made a payment on it and hid all of the bills from me and all the collections, notices, and there were credit cards, there were other things, like, that financed, throughout the six years of our marriage, and it was over $30,000 in bad debt, like credit cards and items, like the laptop that had been financed, and I was left holding the bag.

>> Tiffanie: That sucks.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah. And I remember going to court because I was like, I had. I had no proof. I didn't know about it, right? So it was his word against mine. I was just like, all right, well, I'm just going to ask for 50% of the marital debts in the divorce papers, because I feel like I can get that without fighting. Like, everyone knows when you get divorced, it's 50 50. so I filled out the divorce papers, I filed them, and when I got to court that day, my ex husband didn't show up.


My ex husband didn't respond to the divorce papers so I filed them myself

And the judge was like, well, since your husband can't even be bothered to show up for court, I'm gonna go ahead and give you everything you're asking for in these papers. And I was like, okay, great. And then he was a very nice. He was a very lovely judge. And he just looked at me, and I just remember him saying to me, however, unless he just pays you this out of the kindness of his heart, you are still going to have to sue him to get this. And I was just like, well, shit. I didn't have an attorney. I didn't have money to pay for an attorney. they wanted a $4,000 retainer. My ex husband had drained all of my bank accounts. I was homeless and living in my car. Like, I'm not gonna be able to sue him either. I mean, I was my own attorney. I basically, I was in Florida at the time. And you can just download the papers off of the, clerk's website. And so I downloaded the papers, filled them all out myself, went down to the courthouse, filed them, paid, like, it's like, 200 and something dollars, to file the paperwork. And then I drove them down to the sheriff's office to have him served. He waited 30 days. He didn't respond to the divorce papers. So he had 30 days to either agree or contest, and he didn't. So I went back online and downloaded, the forms to file a motion for default, brought that back down to the clerk's office and filed that. And then there was another small fee in order to get on the docket for the divorce, hearing. That was it. It was like less than dollar 400. And I was able to get divorced. And that attorney won. It's like 4000. And I was just like, nope.

>> Tiffanie: Right. You did a lot better than I did. I live in Florida. And so I tried to take my son's father to court for not paying child support. He asked me, like, I don't know, 60 grand. The judge was looking at my paperwork and was telling me, but since I didn't submit it, he's like, well, he owes you this, this, this. And I'm like, well, you're reading it to me like, you see what I'm talking about? But since I didn't submit it, it was thrown out.

>> Sarah Doucette: yeah. So can you resubmit it or. No.

>> Tiffanie: Or I could have. He would have gone to jail, which, I mean, I wasn't trying to put him in jail. I just wanted his house.

>> Sarah Doucette: I mean, $60,000, that's a lot of money.

>> Tiffanie: It is. So, I mean, at least you did the paperwork, right? Because I tried that and that was a mess.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah, I will say. Luckily, my cousin, the same, like, sheriff's deputy, his wife, helped me. She, like, looked over everything for me, because she had been divorced previously, and so she kind of knew what she was looking at. So I was lucky to have her to help, you know, error check the paper paperwork for me. But we also had, in the grand scheme of things, a pretty, simple divorce. We didn't own property. Everything was in his name, so. And I was willing to just say, fine, bye, keep it. I just, like, I want my freedom. And that is all. Like, you can keep all the stuff. And we didn't have any children at the time, so. Or ever. I don't know why I just said at the time, we never had children together. so, you know, so it was a little bit easier in that regard.


There's not enough resources out there for domestic violence victims, Samar says

But that, like, brings me to one of my other kind of, like, pet peeves is, you know, there's not enough people out there that are providing resources to women or men. Right. Because there is. There are men that go through this. Right. you know that attorney's office that I walked into, I told him my whole story told him, I'm afraid of my husband. He's emptied all my bank accounts, so on and so forth. And, you know, he was like, yep, we can get him. We'll get this, we'll get that, blah, blah, blah. And I was feeling good. I had someone on my side. And then he's like, so we just need a $4,000 retainer before I can even get started. And I was like, did you not.

>> Tiffanie: Just hear the words coming out of my mouth?

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah, like, I can't. I can't do that. And so I personally felt like at that time, should have had some form of resource information for me. Like, I get it. If you don't want to be the lawyer that takes pro bono cases, like, that is so fine. I really have no problem with that. But if that's not you and a domestic violence victim walks into your office, I don't know, maybe have, like, the information for a local advocacy organization, shelter. Because an advocacy organization, usually, I've been on the board of some up here in Maine where I am, and, you know, we have legal services that you can get for free people to come and help you, lodging. There's all kinds of resources out there. But, you know, not everyone either knows about them because I didn't know about them at the time, or, you know, have the resources to give you. You know, I would love to see every divorce attorney's office have pamphlets for, listen, I can't help you. It's not in my business model, whatever. To do pro bono work, however, you can call new hope for women, you can call the main coalition against domestic violence. They have resources for you, and they can get you connected. Yeah, I would love to see something like that happen.

>> Tiffanie: We need it because it's important. This goes on in so many households, and, it's time. I always feel like the perpetrators, they always have more, like, not m respect, but they get more handed to them than the actual victims do or survivors.

>> Sarah Doucette: They're master manipulators. Like, that's their full time job in their heads, right? Is how can they manipulate people? How can they make you believe them? We're going through a situation here in my home state right now that we had a judge reduce bailhead for a domestic violence perpetrator because he couldn't get a, defense attorney appointed to him soon enough. And she felt like it was against his rights to be held for. I think it had been, like, ten days or something, something like that. and so he came to court twice and didn't have a defense attorney either time. And so the first time she reduced his bailhead from 25,000 to 5000. He still couldn't afford it. So then the next time, he came in, she reduced it to $1,500 and house arrest, and he paid the $1500. Within two days, he was at his victim's house and he killed her boyfriend that was there trying to protect her. She was able to escape. He then, burnt her house down and then burnt a neighbor's house down and then had a whole standoff with the police. And eventually, right now it's under investigation of whether it was an officer, like, died by suicide by cop or suicide on his own. They're not sure yet. but he died by a, ah, gunshot wound. So now we have two people in the neighborhood whose family. Her homes are gone. The woman was traumatized all over again. Her boyfriend is dead. There's like. And whether he died by gunshot or in the house fire, they're not sure yet. A whole neighborhood was put on lockdown, by the way, we just survived a mass shooting in October. So our community is already hurt. And it was all because this one judge decided to reduce his bail, even though the parole officers, the prosecutors were telling her that this is a bad guy. He has so many charges against him. Starting back in 2010, 2011, he was jailed for stabbing a partner in the chest and then also stabbing a good samaritan who tried to stop him. And he only served a fraction of his sentence for that. So it's just like victims do not get enough protection. We were more concerned with. With protecting his 6th amendment rights to having counsel there than we were about this woman. And he would have gotten counsel. It might have just taken a few more days, but those two to four weeks after a, survivor leaves, those are the most dangerous times for them, right? Your perpetrator, he's losing control. And they do. They'll do whatever they can to gain that control back. And we see this exactly here. He went back to kill her. He obviously had intent to kill. he had no problem, you know, killing the man that was there with her.

>> Tiffanie: That is so sad. And that could have been prevented. And I've talked about this in so many of my episodes that I feel like these judges need to be held accountable for what they did.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah.


Is there enough education given to judges on domestic violence cases

And also, I asked the question earlier this week. There was a, you know, there's been some articles posted and, you know, the question being, is there enough education? Like, I understand that judges are highly educated, right? There's lawyers in there, you know, before they became a judge, and they have all kinds of education on the law, on legislation and things like that, so they know how to interpret it. However, does this lawyer have any clue about domestic violence statistics? Have you looked to see the stats on when someone is murdered by their ex partner? I just wonder if there's enough knowledge and education to them on those statistics. Right, because what she did in reducing the bail, she didn't have to do. Legally, she didn't have to do it. She felt like it was the right thing to do. She's done this before for other people. So I understand that for her, this is like, her agenda, this is her passion, is that people have defense attorneys available to them, and I commend that people have the right to a defense. I'm not, you know, crapping on that whatsoever. Innocent until proven guilty. However, you have to look at the whole case. I mean, this guy, this was not his first time. He had multiple assault charges, attempted murder for a previous partner. He strangled this poor woman and then was out drinking at a bar the night after he got released on house arrest, talking about how he was gonna go back after her, and there was, and no one could do anything. They've changed the legislation in Maine about how parole officers can interact unless they commit a crime while on parole. They couldn't pick him up. They can't pick them up on, they called technical violations.

>> Tiffanie: What in the actual hell?

>> Sarah Doucette: yeah, because a former parole officer that I was talking to was like, normally, if that had been one of my people, I'd have gone and picked him up and just, you know, held him overnight, let him sober up, and you would avoided a whole situation. But they couldn't. It was one in the morning, and this guy's out drinking, and then he left the bar and went right over there. It's a problem.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, it's a huge problem. They need to look at the patterns because they don't lie. People lie. Patterns do not lie.

>> Sarah Doucette: Right. I am a firm believer, and people show you who they are. They don't tell you. They show you. I can tell you anything I want to about me, but you have to watch my actions, and I will. And I will show you who I am. And guess what? Believe people. You have to trust that. Right? Like, if they're telling you something, but their actions are showing something different, believe them. Believe the actions.

>> Tiffanie: Yes. Oh, yes. I've had to learn the hard way many times on that one. Because you want to believe people are good. You want to believe that they mean what they say, you know, a lot of times, it's because it's what you want to hear, so why would you not want to believe it, right?

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah, it's so true. I mean, I have so many friends that even in just, like, non domestic violence relationships, but just bad relationships in general, that they forgive and forgive and forgive over and over and over again. And I'm like, listen, you can forgive them, but you don't need to keep them in your life. Yeah, I definitely have that conversation, the believe them conversation so many times with people, because I'm like, you know, it may not go horribly wrong, but it could.

>> Tiffanie: Right.

>> Sarah Doucette: You know, if you guys are, like, newly in a relationship and they're. They're. They're going out and seeing other people believe them, they will do it again.

>> Tiffanie: Red flag. Believe red flags. You have, to be open to seeing them.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah. We have to trace that inner voice. It's there for a reason. Right?


How do you start listening to your body? I spoke with a life coach

I'm a big. I'm hugely obsessed with this concept of narrative memory versus cellular memory, and I think our intuition is part of that cellular memory. It's something where it's like, I feel in my body that something's not going right here. Intellectually, I can't pinpoint and say, like, this is exactly what's happening, and I don't like it, and here's why. But you've experienced something, you've watched something, you've seen something happen, and your body is triggering a response, and we have to trust our bodies, and we have to trust our instincts when it comes to stuff like that. For me, you know, I've been working through PTSD since, you know, leaving my ex husband. And the most simplistic way that I can describe what happens is if somebody comes up to you and they raise your hand, your body instinctually ducks, right? Like, there was no thought process that went through that other than your body recognized that. Once upon a time, someone raised their hand towards your face and they hit you, and so your body just automatically protects you. And for me, that's the same thing with, you know, if there's, like, a certain phrase used, all of a sudden I start getting a little anxious or, starting to have, like, an anxiety attack, and I'm like, why is this bothering me right now? Realizing that my body is telling me something. My body's telling me that, like, fight or flight and being able to recognize that. Listen to it. Trust your body. Trust what it's telling you. can be the difference between life and death or getting yourself in, like, some bad situations, and it starts super simple. Like, how do you start listening to your body? I spoke with this woman. She's a life coach, named Anna Conathan, up here in Maine. And she love her. She's also a comedian. And she, like, simplified it down to, like, if we literally don't listen to our body when it says it needs to pee, like, we sit here, and we're like, let me just finish this tasking at work, and then I'll get to pee. She's like, how can we expect to listen to anything more important from our bodies? She's like, so start by peeing. Like, pee when you need to pee. I loved it. I'm just like, you know what? You're right. You deserve to pee when you want to be.

>> Tiffanie: I mean, I've been that person. Oh, let me get, like, one more thing done, and then I'll go,

>> Sarah Doucette: Or, like, drink, girl. You're thirsty. Go get a glass of water, you know? And we just, like, ignore our. What our body needs at, like, a cellular level. So, yeah, if people are looking for ways, like, how do I start getting more in tune with my intuition and with what my body leads? Start listening to it, and it starts with just the super simple stuff, right?

>> Tiffanie: Some of it. I mean, it's almost common sense, but it's so much common sense that we don't think about it as, like, a need.

>> Sarah Doucette: It's so true. It's so, so true. So, anyways, yeah, I just love that analogy. Like, yeah, but we do.

>> Tiffanie: We have a gut instinct, and we have intuition. It's there for a reason. It's to protect you.

>> Sarah Doucette: Right? Yeah, absolutely. and I know for me, you know, there's also a correlation between. Right. Like, you know, growing up under, a narcissistic parent, I fell right into a relationship that I knew and was comfortable with.

>> Tiffanie: Speak of my language, sister. I think that's why a lot of us end up in the situations that we do. And that's mainly why my podcast has taken this direction, because it's time that we put the pieces together between our childhood traumas and our adulthood. Because whether you want to acknowledge it or nothing, they're connected.

>> Sarah Doucette: Oh, for sure. Yeah.

>> Tiffanie: This is why people are how they are and why people do the shit they do.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah, I heard somewhere that a lot of times, people like myself, which I can attest to being true, I have a really hard time with compliments. They make me extremely uncomfortable. And why do they make me uncomfortable? They should make me feel good. They make me uncomfortable because I was conditioned to believe that I did not deserve them. And so when I get them, I'm just like, ew, really? Like, that's untrue of you. Like, I just don't. I don't believe them. I don't believe sincere, their sincerity. I try to be better right about it.


You're a newish mom to a daughter who just turned two

I'm a newish mom to a daughter. She just turned two. I can't believe it. But anyway, she just turned two in May. And what a mind fuck that is.

>> Tiffanie: Welcome to parenthood.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah. And I'm just like, as, like, a mom who didn't have a great mother daughter relationship growing up. It's terrifying to now be the mom of a little girl. And I'm. How do I. Like. I'm just constantly aware of the language that I use with her and I'm also extremely aware of the things that grandma says. because the pattern is continuing. Right. I mean, she's 18 months old, man. You've got some big feet. No, she's got fucking perfect feet. They're beautiful. They allow her to walk. And that's what I tell her, like, you know. So I'm constantly re, like, repositioning things. No, those aren't. Those feet are not too big. They're the perfect feet for her. They keep her walking. They keep her safe. They help keep her steady. They help her get where she's gonna go. Those feet are perfect. And she could grow up and have a size 13ft. Those feet are perfect.

>> Tiffanie: I used to say my son had Flintstone feet because they were, like, flat and wide. But they're Flintstone feet.

>> Sarah Doucette: They're perfect. They're his feet. They were the feet he was meant to have. It's just so I am, determined to break the cycle because I know my mother grew up with the same shit. Right, right.

>> Tiffanie: That's the thing.

>> Sarah Doucette: She didn't, like, come up with it on her own. She learned it from somewhere.

>> Tiffanie: Right? It's the generational trauma. It's the curse. And I applaud you for seeing it and wanting to be that change because that's exactly what I had to do as well. I'm like, no, this ends here. I'm not gonna pass this down to him. All the insecurities, all the Ydez. No, because all it's gonna do is push you into the arms of someone else who's gonna treat you like shit as well. Because that's what you're used to. That's what you're comfortable with.

>> Sarah Doucette: Exactly. And when something better comes along. You're gonna find that weird.

>> Tiffanie: God.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah.

>> Tiffanie: You're gonna run.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah. So it's definitely, you know, break the cycle, make better choices, listen to your gut, listen to your intuition, and, you know, work on having better conversations with yourself.


Writing the book for me was 100% therapy

one of the things that I'm working on releasing here soon, so, I have my book, which you can get on Amazon, or Barnes and noble, online. And writing the book for me was 100% therapy. a lot of people have been like, oh, my gosh, I don't know how you got through writing that book. So one of the things for me is I did have a lot of trauma triggers, but I didn't know where they were coming from, and so I had disassociated with a lot of memories. I had just kind of, like, purged them right from my body for survival. And when I started writing the book, it was, I mean, like, I literally went to my writing coach with, like, 3000 words that were basically a timeline, and we, had to go from there. But as she would ask me questions, it would slowly, like, pull things out of my brain that I was like, oh, I forgot about that. Oh, my gosh, this happened. And I remember, like, during the process, I would text her and be like, holy crap, I just remembered this thing that happened. Like, it was so crazy. And so, you know, we would. We would then pull the thread on that later to develop it into, you know, a story or a chapter for the book. So I'm gonna be releasing kind of like a journal for people who, when you get into those, like, triggered moments where you're, like, you're experiencing something and you're not really sure why, you know, track that stuff. Like, it helped me so much. Just get it out of my brain and, onto paper, and then I could process it and then I could deal with it. And so a little bit of. Is like, you're safe. Like. Like, list three things that make you feel safe right now. What are three things you're feeling physically in your body? Right? Like, is your chest tight? Is your head swimming? what are three emotions you're feeling right now? Now tell us, like, tell us what's happening. And then that way people can, you know, I took mine to therapy with me and would talk through some of these stories with my therapist. So it's like a great tool that you can just use to get it out on your own. If you're in therapy, bring it and talk to them about it and work on techniques to breathe your way through. there's all kinds of mindfulness stuff that you can do. so, yeah, I'm working on trying to get that released here, in the next couple of weeks so people can try what worked for me, which is to reintegrate the feelings, reintegrate the memories, and then kind of deal with them and process them.

>> Tiffanie: I love that I've wanted to come up with something similar, but I just, I don't know where to start. I find it is, it's so helpful. You have to write about your feelings. Sometimes when you start, shit just pops out that you didn't even know was in there. Oh, shit. Where'd that come from?

>> Sarah Doucette: Well, that's like, well, we need to unpack that. Let's put a pin in it and, like, and go through that later. It's. Yeah, it's so true. And I think, like, part of, with me, I've always wanted to, I've always had the intent to journal. A, I'm not going to journal every day. I. That's too much of a commitment for me. I can't. I can't. And b, like, I don't know what to write, you know? So a lot of times you just see, like, a blank piece of paper and you're like, I don't know what to put on this blank piece of paper. So, you know, I put, like, some guides in there. You know, the things that I just talked through, like, those are prompts in there. There's spaces to fill those out. Then there's some free space to, like, write whatever it is you need. and some additional, like, thoughts and stuff that you can put down at the bottom. But, you know, sometimes, like, you just need a little bit of help putting pen to paper. So it worked for me. I'm hoping it'll work for other people. I'll be releasing that on Amazon, so I'll let you know when that. When that comes out.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, it's exciting. Do you, have, like, a name for it? Is there gonna be, like, a special name or.

>> Sarah Doucette: Right now I'm kind of playing with, like, the trauma healing journal. And then I just. And then just kind of stronger than that on the back. Right? Because at the end of it, you're stronger than that. Like, all the things you've put in those pages, just like my book, you're stronger than it. Like, you can overcome this. It's not easy, but keep. Just keep going. And at the end, you will be. You'll see how much stronger you are than when you began.

>> Tiffanie: So, yeah, it's time we give ourselves credit for being stronger than we thought we were. Because, God, I used to think I was, like, this weak, puny little nothing. And now I'm like, I'm a force to be fucking reckon with.

>> Sarah Doucette: And also, you know, one of the things that I talk about in my book, too, is that our definition of strength changes over time. I thought I was the strongest person because I was persevering and going through all of this alone and sheltering those closest to me from what was happening in my life. And then hindsight looking, I'm like, no. Like, strength is opening up. Strength is what I'm doing right now and talking about it. That doesn't mean I wasn't strong back then. I was strong because I was doing what I needed to do to survive. I was getting through it. And at that time, the excuse in my head not to tell people was, because you're strong enough to carry this on your own. So I never want to undermine what someone believes is their strength, but I want people to be open to the fact that your definition of strength and what strength is can change just like you change. It can change throughout your life. So just keep an open mind. I'm also working on starting another podcast called stronger than that to kind of talk about my story, but also, like, find other people who have. Who are survivors of something. And I talked to a woman today that, it's depression and anxiety. Right? Like, working her way through that. It doesn't. You know, you don't have to survive something as dramatic as domestic violence to be strong. Right, right.


You can do anything you want, but you have to try

Could have survived a bad boss, got out of that crappy job, started your own business. Right? You were stronger than imposter syndrome, whatever that looks like.

>> Tiffanie: So, absolutely, you can do anything you want, but you have to try. It's not gonna be just handed to you. Nothing in life is handed to you. And if it is, it's too good to be true and fucking run.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah, exactly. I have, like, my girlfriend and I, we did, an episode on our podcast. what's my age again? This whole, like, manifestation bullshit, right? Where, like, you see all these, like, TikTok videos and reels where this person's, like, stepping out of their bentley with their red bottoms and their balenciago, and they're just like, I manifested all of this, and you're like, bet you did not manifest that. Like, you don't. Just like, dear Lord in the morning, I would like a pair of louboutins. Like, no, you have to do something, right? Like, you had to work for it, whether that was you worked to find that husband who can buy those louboutins for you, or, like, you became, like, some badass boss bitch, like, whatever it is. Like, you know, I like to hear the real stories behind. I mean, manifestation is a thing, right? Like, you have to have a goal and a vision in mind, but that doesn't get you there. There's still a lot of work that goes into getting there. So it's just so funny because, yeah, that's like, that's just one of my pet peeves is, like, how rainbows and butterflies everything is on social media. how we've got people on social media posting about their ridiculous amounts of wealth, and I. Then you at home, look at that, and you're like, I am busting my ass every day, and I don't have any of those things. I can barely afford a house. I can barely afford my rent, but I'm working hard every day. And then we wonder why people have increased amount of anxiety and depression and die by suicide every day, right? Because we are comparing ourselves to things that just are not true.

>> Tiffanie: Right? I mean, shit, those pumps might have been, like, alone. She borrowed, those damn shoes from somebody.

>> Sarah Doucette: She probably bought them off a poshmark. Like, who knows?

>> Tiffanie: Well, right? And that's the thing people do. They do that a lot. I used to do that. I don't do that anymore because I'm going to find what is meant for me. And all these people, they're selling fairy tales. A lot of it's fake. A lot of these people are miserable. They just put on a happy face. So do not compare yourself to others because you're comparing yourself to somebody that does not exist.

>> Sarah Doucette: Right? And, I mean, there's a woman, I wish I could remember her name right now, but there's a woman who, her and her husband were, like, influencers about, like, how wonderful and perfect their marriage is. And now, like, she has come out of it, like, with pictures of herself just completely beaten and bruised. Because even though her husband was posting on social media about, like, perfect husband, things that he was doing for her behind closed doors, he was also beating the crap out of her. And it's like, it's so easy to put forth a Persona on social media where no one really is gonna fact check you and find you out, right? Like, it.

>> Tiffanie: Right.

>> Sarah Doucette: It's. It's just super complicated. So that's, again, kind of circling back to, like, why I want to talk about these things. I want to encourage other people to talk about these things because life is hard. And also, I just don't have time to pretend to be something that I'm not.

>> Tiffanie: It's just amen to that. There is not enough hours in the day for me to sit and pretend to be somebody else. I don't want to be anybody else. I love me, like, who I have become, and I'm empowered by it. And that's why I love having people like you. And, you know, any listeners that are listening, if you want to be on and share your story, your growth, reach out. It's so important, and it helps you heal.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, our scars, emotionally and physically, are what, like, make us who we are. I told my husband on our first date, my current husband, I told him, listen, I am not here to impress you. I am here to introduce you to who I am. And then you get to decide if you like who I am, because I don't have time or the energy to pretend to be something I'm not. And the person I am right now is the person I will be in ten days, 20 days, 90 days, 100 years from now. Like, this is it. You get to choose. So pass me some more spaghetti. I'm like. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, I'm m not gonna, like, not gonna sit here and eat a salad. Like, that's what I do.

>> Tiffanie: Well, apparently he likes what he got, so he did.

>> Sarah Doucette: He was like, at first he was like. I was like, okay. And he's like, after I kept, like, thinking about it, I was like, it's actually really cool. So, yeah, it was really funny. and as I tell him all the time, I'm the funniest person I know.

>> Tiffanie: Aw, I wish you still lived in Florida.

>> Sarah Doucette: I know, right?

>> Tiffanie: That's hilarious.


33% of murders in the workplace are domestic violence related

So is there anything else that you wanted to air or. Jesus Christ, let's try that one again. Is there anything else that you wanted to add?

>> Sarah Doucette: I usually like to talk a little bit more statistics when I do these interviews, because I think that it's important for people to really realize that, like, intimate partner violence does not happen in a vacuum. I think a lot of times we feel like it's an issue within the home, and once they figure it out, then it's done and gone and fine. That being said, there are 8 million days of associated with domestic violence every single year. Let's break that down. That is 32,000 full time equivalent jobs per year. 32,000 jobs full time that are lost because people have to take the day off for injury, for whatever the case may be, there's a lot of different reasons that people can't come to work. So the trickle down effect of that into our economy is unbelievable. I mean, I believe the last time I saw the numbers, I haven't pulled them recently, so I won't say a specific number, but I think it's in the trillions of dollars. Like, economy 101. Like, very simple description is you drop a pebble in the water and the ripples go out. So if those people aren't making the money of 32,000 full time jobs, they're not spending the money of, 32,000 full time jobs. That means your local grocery stores aren't getting money. They're not buying more produce. Like, it goes out to the suppliers. It's this huge ripple effect that affects our economy as a whole. And it's because of one issue. Intimate partner violence or domestic violence. There are some newer studies that I hadn't really seen before where they actually talked to companies, and these companies stated that actually, that 55% of large businesses state domestic violence as a direct impact to their productivity. Wow, that's a lot. And we're talking about productivity, so that isn't even. That doesn't necessarily mean, like, time off, paid time off, or unpaid time off. So a lot of women, their, partners call them and harass them at work. So they're constantly getting phone calls, right? So that reduces their productivity. They could have had a really, really bad morning, right, whether they were hit or they were just, like, degraded and yelled at. And now they're in this, like, headspace that's just not. Well. And then they have to try to go to work and keep their productivity up. You know, that there's so many things that go into this. And then since we're on a true crime, related podcast, 33% of murders in the workplace are domestic violence related. So one third of people killed in the workplace is because of domestic violence.

>> Tiffanie: I believe that.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah, it's a huge issue. It's a huge issue. And, you know, we talk about, like, funding and budgets and how there's just never enough money for anything. Well, there's a huge amount of money that we can get back into, like, stimulating our economy if we could keep these victims safe and get them back into the workforce. I mean, I've worked with women and talked with women who can't even balance a right. They don't know how to make a budget. And that's so sad. And it's not of their own doing, it's because their partner, you know, doesn't allow them to and keeps them away from finances. And then we have trauma related to finances. It took me a really long time to dig my way out of all that debt and then to be brave enough to go talk to a financial advisor. I was so ashamed of my finances. Like it was my fault, you know? So we just. We've got to have more resources for these people. We've got to know the red flags to look out for. I don't have all the answers. I don't have the solutions. but I know there's a lot of work to be done right now.

>> Tiffanie: Here in Florida, they're talking about taking gun rights away from domestic abuse abusers. And I think that is fucking amazing. They do not need weapons. Clearly, you have issues. You do not need weapons. So if that passes, I will be very happy.

>> Sarah Doucette: I mean, we don't need to make it easier for them. Right, right. and I think about it, if you're willing to hurt the person that you vowed to love and protect for the rest of your life, you'll also do that to people you don't know. You'll do it to strangers. And we witnessed that here in Maine this past week where, you know, he had no problem killing the person trying to help her. And years ago, stabbing the good Samaritan, that helped his previous victim. So these people are dangerous. They really, really are. And, my ex husband was obsessed with guns. Obsessed. And though he never used one on me, he had no problem taking them out and cleaning them on the dining room table when he was pissed at me for something and just making sure that I was aware that they were there and available to use. so, I mean, I think that. I think that, you know, people are allowed to have their rights. Like, you know, we own a firearm. I'm not, like, anti gun by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think that we need to be more careful on, who we are giving them to.

>> Tiffanie: Absolutely. I have a gun. Absolutely. It's pink. It's cute.

>> Sarah Doucette: Yeah.

>> Tiffanie: I have nothing against them, but let's not give them to sociopaths and psychopaths and narcissists and people who are going to do harm. They're for protection, not to just go out and shoot.

>> Sarah Doucette: Right.

>> Tiffanie: Because you're pissed off.

>> Sarah Doucette: Right. And the thing is, you know, with domestic violence, it may not be gun related. Also, they may not have a gun related crime on their record. but I don't know. It should just still be taken into consideration, their history and their paths when, you know, giving them a license.

>> Tiffanie: Absolutely.

>> Sarah Doucette: Or selling one, you know.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, for sure.


Anyways, well, it was super nice talking with you, Tiffany

>> Sarah Doucette: Anyways, well, it was super nice talking with you, Tiffanie. Thank you so much for having me.

>> Tiffanie: Yes, thank you so much for being here. And I think people are going to get a lot out of this.

>> Sarah Doucette: I hope so. just keep talking about it. That's just raising awareness. Right. Is how we can kind of come together as a community. And these people hide in shadows. Right?

>> Tiffanie: Yes. That's why we come out of the shadows, to tell our story.

>> Sarah Doucette: Exactly.

>> Tiffanie: All right, perfect. Well, thank you so much.

>> Sarah Doucette: Thank you.