Unraveling the Mystery on How Childhood Shapes True Crime | Bev Mitelman, M.A

This week we are talking to people who have had unpredictable and chaotic childhoods

>> Tiffanie: Hello, friends, and welcome. Or welcome back. My name is Tiffanie, and I'm the host of True Crime Connections. This week we are talking to people who have had an unpredictable and chaotic environment growing up. And to help me with that is Bev Mittelman, relationship and attachment trauma practitioner and founder of Securely Loved. Bev, it is a pleasure to have you on.

>> Bev Mittelman: Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be on your platform. Really. I love True Crime, so this will be fun. Ah.


Learning how to handle emotions in childhood can have huge impact on adulthood

>> Tiffanie: I think the way you grow up really does plant the seeds on what happens to you when you grow older.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah, it does in so many ways. This is such a big conversation, but I'll try to, like, just point out some of the bigger points. There's some real important things that we learn in our childhood with those early, early interactions with our caregiver. Right. M. So it could be a mother, a father, a grandmother, an aunt, the person that the child sees as their primary caregiver. Now, a child, of course, a baby or a toddler, like, really young, under five years old, they have a whole host of physical needs. But we sometimes forget, even just as important, the child has emotional needs. Right? And this is at this point in time where they learn how to give and receive love. They create a bond with this person, and based on the parameters of what they're getting from their caregiver, that becomes the imprint of what they see as love. And it's a really, really early imprint. And so it has a massive impact on a person as they grow into adulthood. because one of the things that was so important when we talk about emotional attunement is being able to identify emotions, regulate emotions, respond in a healthy way. All of these things. I really see learning how to regulate your emotions in the earlies years as, from my perspective, crime prevention, violence prevention, you know, abuse prevention. People who are able to handle stressful situations while keeping their cool and regulating their emotion. They are not the people that turn to violent acts. So it's such a. It's a really, really interesting thing. One of the things I want to point out is, is that there's a large segment of our population that did not learn emotional reg. Their family of origin in their childhood. They just didn't learn it as a skill. And it is a skill. but you can, 100% learn this in your adulthood, right?

>> Tiffanie: Interesting.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah. So you can learn it in your adulthood. But where we get into this interesting nuance is that many people who are emotionally dysregulated don't realize they're emotionally dysregulated. Okay, so we're talking about the general population here, right? I'm not talking about someone who has a diagnosable personality disorder. So we're talking about the general population, someone who just hasn't, for example, learned the skill of when they're feeling really angry, what do I do with that? Right. Or if I'm really feeling really sad or I'm, feeling a lot of shame, what do I do with that? And in the absence of having those coping techniques, what people do often is very damaging, either to themselves or to others. Oh, for sure, for sure.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah.

>> Bev Mittelman: And I know we're going to dive into this, but so, you know, there's, there's a strong, there's a strong component here in like, we, look, we hear a lot about, like, anger management classes. And that's one component. That's one component usually geared towards men. Because men oftentimes, if they're emotionally dysregulated, just know how to display anger.

>> Tiffanie: Makes sense.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah. yeah. Whereas women are much more likely to display sadness. So if you go into an anger management class, you'll see mostly men. That's a societal conditioning thing that we've had. Right. But in either case, the man or the woman, they didn't learn how to handle their emotions in childhood. That's what follows you into adulthood.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, God, it makes so much sense. And it's also probably a reason why you chase these same situations. If you didn't grow up in a real loving or, you know, appreciative environment, you're going to be looking for people who are going to treat you the same way 100%.

>> Bev Mittelman: And, you're right on the money. Because when I'm talking about in childhood, you get imprinted with this pattern of what it looks like to give and receive love. I'm talking about an imprint of a pattern in your subconscious mind. So I know you're aware that there's different elements to our mind as humans, right. We have our conscious awareness, which is responsible for about 3 to 5% of our beliefs, thoughts, emotions and actions. 3 to 5%. This is very little. Very little. The subconscious mind that sits right beneath the conscious mind is responsible for the remainder, like the 95 to 97%. And what most people don't realize consciously is that there's a set of patterns almost like a computer program, and they're just running on these patterns. And so to use your example to illustrate the point, if someone grew up in a home where there was a Lot of chaos. They will, with very high likelihood, seek that out as an adult in their romantic relationship. Because the subconscious mind just draws you to what is familiar. Your subconscious mind is just trying to keep you in a state of survival. So I know if I take you towards what is familiar, we know what this feels like. We can survive it. We know how to react. The subconscious mind is not saying, well, this is not really the best thing for Bev. Maybe we'll guide her in another direction. The subconscious mind, again, is just taking you where it's always taking you. Because, hey, you've lived this before. You know how to handle this situation. So the subconscious mind is guided by what's familiar. So if you grew up, for example, with a father who was emotionally unavailable, really high degree of a probability that you will then, without even realizing, choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable. And so it's that familiarity. There's also the fact that sometimes, unconsciously, even again, we try to relive dynamics from our childhood, in hopes of a better outcome, right? So it's like we're trying to fix what once wounded us. So that's why people. You'll hear sometimes people go, I don't know. I just. I'm attracted to all the crazy people as if, like, they have no agency in the equation.


You dismiss the people that are healthy. You go after those who are chaotic

Like, the universe just sends them people who are crazy. Which is a terrible word, but this is what I hear all the time, right? No, you're not a magnet for crazy people. You dismiss the people that are healthy. You don't know that you're doing this, but someone who's healthy will likely appear boring to you. So you're like, nah. And you go after those who have those qualities that you find exciting, chaotic. That's what's happening there, right?

>> Tiffanie: You're like, oh, I know this. And it's like you're getting your little dopamine hit. Because you're like, okay, I know this. Now I'm ready. And it's like, no.

>> Bev Mittelman: So interesting, right?


Men in prison often have fans, women write to them, right

Like, one of the phenomenons, I want to bring it back to true crime, because I just. I'm so excited to talk about it. But one of the phenomenons that we see actually is in men who are incarcerated often have lots of fans, women who write to them, right? These are men who have been incarcerated for terrible acts. A lot of case, they're serial murderers, and they have fangirls. So they get married. They get married, and they get letters, and they get all sorts of attention, you know? Like, I know the case that has resurfaced really recently is the Menendez brothers. Right? Yeah. Because it's such a great case to talk about childhood trauma and incarceration. But, yeah, I'm not sure if it was Lyle or Eric, but one of them is now married while incarcerated. So there is a very distinct cohort of women who find m men in prison to be very attractive.

>> Tiffanie: Now we can talk bad boy thing, like on crack, though.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yes, yes. And it. But it's also very attractive to someone who has an insecurity that their partner might cheat. It's like, well, he's not going anywhere physically, literally. Right. So there's that element as well. But you're right, many women seek out these violent men and they see it as attractive from a psychological standpoint. That's super interesting.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, my God. So interesting. And actually, I think he's been married twice or three times in there.

>> Bev Mittelman: Okay. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. But it doesn't surprise me. It doesn't surprise me. There's another one. I can't remember his name. He's recently been in the news like he's for a double murder. I think he has a name. The same name as a character from Deadpool. Is it Wayne something? Very good looking man. You, know, I wish I had had the name. Right. Very good looking man. But he is visibly, absolutely frightening to look at. His entire face is covered in tattoos. Very, very scary. And he there I just was watching another podcast on him. He gets a tremendous amount of attention. He brutally killed two women and there are women throwing themselves at him. So you have to wonder what is going on, huh?

>> Tiffanie: right. Yes. It's crazy.

>> Bev Mittelman: It is, it is. Yeah. I wish I had the name. But anyways, we'll let it go for now. But this is not a new phenomenon. Right. So what happens in your childhood really does matter. And if we look at, for example, the Menendez case, and I'm going to assume that your audience knows the Menendez case because it's an old one. I think the crime occurred in 1989. These were two young men. They weren't boys. They were portrayed as boys, but they were not. They were young men. They were, I think, 18 and 20. And they brutally killed their parents. And at the trial, what came out is that they were incredibly abused and sexually abused primarily by the father. But the mother was allowable of this.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, she looked the other way. Makes you just as guilty in my eyes. Because you could have stopped it.

>> Bev Mittelman: I agree. I agree. And so if we use this As a backdrop, I'll go into what attachment styles are a little bit so people understand. But we'll keep the Menendez case in mind, because 30 years ago, when this trial was in front of a judge, we didn't know what we knew today about childhood trauma. In fact, I remember reading that some of the jury members at the time had a very difficult time understanding how a man could be raped. They didn't understand the concept. Like, they didn't. They thought that. And they. So they thought the story was made up. Right. So we do. We do know so much more today. And I think that there's some discussion about maybe entertaining the idea of parole because they were originally sentenced to life without parole. But I think. Yeah, now they're talking about maybe paroling these two. I just.


Somebody told me they were getting out. I think that's wishful statement

>> Tiffanie: Somebody told me they were getting out. I don't know if that's been done yet, but.

>> Bev Mittelman: No, no, that's a, I think that's like a wishful statement. I think what's happening is the laws in California since that crime, because that was like, 30 years ago, and Lyle and Eric have been incarcerated for that amount of time. The laws actually have changed. I think there's a particular law that says now that if you're under the age of 26 and you commit murder, you cannot be sentenced to life without parole, that you were a young offender, you have to be given chance of parole at some time. I think at the 25 year. Mark and Lyle and Erica both served 30 years, and they were both under 26 at the time. It's almost like a revision to their sentence might occur. But you could imagine that there's layers of hoops. So, are they getting out? That's not determined yet.

>> Tiffanie: Okay. Yeah. She's like, they're getting out. What do you think about that? And I said, well, I think if they were act. If they were really sexually abused, then they should, because you don't ever want to say somebody deserves it, but especially, like, a brutal death like that. But you have to imagine that your kids are going to grow up and retaliate. Yeah.

>> Bev Mittelman: It's not okay. And it's a little more than retaliation, actually, because it becomes about survival.


Secure attachment and insecure attachment are two broad categories of emotional bond

So, I'll talk a little bit about what secure attachment means and what insecure attachment means. So we have two broad categories, of an emotional bond and attachment that we can create with our caregiver. One is called secure, and the other one is called insecure. Right. So someone who has a secure attachment to their caregiver, they grew up in a home where not only their physical needs, but their emotional needs were attuned to. When they cried, they were attended to, their caregiver was joyful with them, their caregiver was expressive with them. The caregiver taught them different emotions. They allowed space for their emotions. The caregiver taught them how to deal with some of the emotions that were more difficult, right? And so there was a bond there. And what that child learns is it's okay to be my authentic self, which means if I'm feeling sad, it's okay to cry. And my caregiver, I have trust that my caregiver will respond to me in a healthy way. Okay? So the child trust can identify and relate to their own emotions. Not everyone can identify their emotions. And I trust that if I'm going to authentically express to you that you're going to respond to me in a healthy way. And when you have that as your framework, you grow up into the world and you think of the world as just a beautiful set of connections because connections feel safe and secure to you. So that's like, that's one side, you know, one group. Now, we tend to say that the split is like 50, 50, 50% of the population is secure and 50% is insecure. There's different statistics, right? I've seen anything from 40 to 60 to 50, so I just land on the 50. A couple of things to mention. Everyone has an attention, an attachment style. It's not a diagnosed personality disorder. It's not an illness. Everyone has an attachment style and it's not gender based, which means it's not like men are here and women are there. It depends on the interaction that you had.


So if we jump into insecure attachments, this is where it gets a little more nuanced

So if we jump into insecure attachments, this is where it gets a little more nuanced. Within the insecure attachment framework, we have three subcategories, okay? One is, on this side of the continuum is the anxious preoccupied. We have the dismissive avoidant. And somewhere in the middle, with traits of both the anxious and the avoidant, we have the fearful avoidant. Now, it's incredibly interesting because this group of people are generally coming out of a home where again, they didn't receive the emotional attunement that they needed. So, for example, they were dealing with a parent who was emotionally unavailable. They were dealing with a parent who was neglectful or dismissive of them. They were dealing with a parent who had mental, illness. They were dealing with a parent, for example, who might have had too many children to take care of and couldn't pay Attention to them. They were dealing with a parent, for example, who was very demanding, or they were a part of like a, high demand religion where things were very prescriptive and strict, right? There's all these scenarios and then the classic example, to bring it back to the Menendez brothers, they were raised in an environment where they were abused. Could be emotionally, psychologically, it could be physically, it could be sexually, it could be all of the above. What happens to this group of people is that they develop a very different lens of the world. Their perspective of the world becomes, I need to survive, right? I do not trust myself to be my authentic self because when I authentically emotes, right, I'm sad, I'm angry, whatever, I'm shut down, I'm dismissed, I'm punished, whatever that the consequence may be. The child starts to detach from their authentic self to maintain the attachment to their caregiver. Every child will do this because maintaining the attachment to your caregiver is for survival. But they develop a set of patterns that can be very, very disruptive later in life. So the person who is anxious, preoccupied will develop a set of patterns where they generally don't have any boundaries. They're very. They put everyone ahead of themselves. They're what we would call the people pleasers. But they don't do this because they're just extremely nice. No, they do this because that's how they've learned to receive love. Right? It makes so much sense. This is. So their core wounds that they carry around from childhood is things like, I will be abandoned. And they may have experienced abandonment or perceived abandonment in childhood. They carry around wounds like, I am disliked, I am not good enough, I am not worthy, I am not seen, I will be excluded. So this is part of the limiting beliefs that they carry because a child is not capable of understanding, applying critical thought at a young age, we learn that much later on, right? To say, there must be something wrong with my caregiver because they're not able to give me the love that I deserve. No. A child goes, there must be something wrong with me. I'm not good enough, or my mother would love me more, or my father would pay more attention to me, or that's where this comes from. So that's one category. The dismissive avoidant, which is on the other side of the continuum, usually comes out of a home where there was neglect, emotional neglect. This child usually was left alone a lot. if they were having any emotional distress, they usually were not supported. It was like a child comes home Crying. And the mother says, stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. The child we all, yeah, right. I saw that the other day in a grocery store and I was like, okay, not your place, Bev, but you really shouldn't say that. But anyways, I just let it go and I gave the child a smile to let them know that they are safe in this world. But when you authentically emote and someone shuts you down, neglects you, you know, is dismissive, you learn, I have me, myself and I, I can, I have myself to depend on. And you learn very quickly to repress a lot of this difficult emotions because you have no model for how to handle it. And you have no way to express it because your caregiver is not attuning to you in that way. In the worst case scenarios, you're getting heavily punished when you do. So. What would happen with the Menendez brothers, for example, when they fought back against the dead and they said, no, I don't want this anymore, don't do this to me. Or if they didn't do well in a sport, or if they didn't do well academically, what would happen? They were wildly punished in the most brutal ways, while as you already pointed out, the mother pretended like it wasn't happening. And so these children grow up knowing that they cannot rely on their caregivers for any sense of safety or security. They realize I have to learn to deal with my own stuff on my own. They become overly self reliant, hyper independent, very concerned about their freedom, very difficult for them to trust other people because they couldn't even trust their primary caregivers. If my parents didn't care that I was upset or that someone's harming me, why would anyone else? And so they carry a really, really difficult shame wound, the I am defective wounds. It's very sad when you think about it, but the wound that they carry around in this world is my parents. You know, if I, if I let anyone get too close to me because they have a very difficult time with emotional closeness and vulnerability, they're closed off from their own emotions, let alone letting someone else into that sphere, right? So they have a very hard time in relationships. But the subconscious fear is if I let anyone too close to me, they too will realize that I'm defective and they'll reject me in the same way my parents did. So their strategy is to just keep everyone at an arm's length, right? So these are the people who generally have relationship after relationship, casual dating. They're Emotionally unavailable themselves. Right. So we're starting to see patterns emerge. Right?

>> Tiffanie: Oh, yeah.

>> Bev Mittelman: Now, to just finish off the whole triad of these insecure, insecurely attached people. The middle category is the fearful avoidance, which used to be called disorganized attachments, which is a very good name for it, because that is essentially what happens. These children generally come out of homes, again, where there is abuse, and the child learns a very disorganized, detached way to connect to their caregiver, because they so desperately want that connection from the same person who is also harming them. So they are seeking that closeness, and they're also petrified of that person. And so this develops a disorganized schema in a child's mind where it's like, I want to come close, but not too close, and I want your love, but then you might hurt me, so I'll back up. So later on in life, they turn out to be people who have a very hard time with intimacy. Letting people in. Oftentimes they're referred to as the hot and cold partner. Like, one minute they want intimacy, then they don't speak to you for three days because they oscillate between being really anxious and really avoidant. So they have sort of like, the traits of both. And when you understand that this is what comes out of your childhood upbringing and that, these children in particular are just trying to survive, they're not thriving, it's not difficult to understand how a situation like the Menendez brothers or so many others could happen. Right. So, yeah, and I happen to be of the mind that I do believe the brothers felt their lives were at risk. Now, I'm not in their mind, so I don't know. But I don't think it was retaliatory. I think they really believed that their lives were at risk. And the reason that I know that is because I grew up and, I would say there were similarities in my home, not nearly to the extent that these two people experience. So I would never exaggerate my own experience in life, but there were themes. There were themes. And so. And I. Understanding, I. I understand feeling absolutely trapped. How do I get away from this? So it's a real thing.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. I can't tell you how many shows I've watched, and you just see the patterns, and, it's almost like a playbook. And then people want to be like, how did they end up this way?


People who are securely attached learn emotional regulation early on in life

And sometimes it's like, how could they not have, like, you know.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah, yeah, that's exactly It. And sometimes people look at the wrong factors. They're like, well, this person came from, you know, a home where there was no divorce and they had three siblings and they went to a private school. And I'm like, you're looking at the wrong stuff. Doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. Right. I think we know much more about childhood development now. And again, I'm repeating myself here because it's worth repeating. The folks who are securely attached, they learned emotional regulation really early on in life. And they brought that skill through with them throughout their life in all regards, in all interactions that they had with colleagues, with friends, with family, with romantic partners, all of that. For the folks who grew up in homes where they didn't have a secure attachment, so they had an insecure attachment to their caregiver. They did not learn how to emotionally regulate, which means that wasn't modeled for them. Right. So it was never given to them. They didn't learn, and so they had to find other ways to allow their emotions to come out. And we all know that if emotions don't come out in a healthy way, they come out in another way.

>> Tiffanie: Health issues.

>> Bev Mittelman: Health issues for sure. Violence and rage. Right. Like addictions. Oh, yeah, right. Self sabotaging behavior, like all of these things. The rate of addiction is really, really high in this cohort of people, especially with those that are dismissive, avoidant, because they are repressing and pushing down. Right. So anything that will help them numb out from this unresolved trauma. So, you know, acts of violence. We know that people who are securely attached will not generally turn to acts of violence like we. There's a pat. These patterns are well established. Right. So there is a correlation there.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. I'm just so happy that we finally caught up and started to realize this because society has been blind for so long and we wanted to blame the wrong people. And I mean, if you were abused, it doesn't give you the right to be an absolute crazy person. That is not what we're saying. But you gotta understand why the person may be the crazy person that they are. There's reasons why they didn't just wake up one day and be like, I think I'm gonna go shoot up a school today. No, you know, that shit grew. They were bullied or they just. They hate everybody because they have no support system. They have no not. They have no friends because they're awkward or there's just so many things, so many different factors that go into it. So I'm just so Happy that finally we're like, oh, shit, wait a minute.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah, you're right.


A lot of people operate in the world feeling unsafe, right

And what's so interesting, we talked a little bit about core wounds, the one core wound that is common to all three of the subgroups that we talked about, because there's only one that's common to all three, and it is. I am unsafe. When we know that these people operate in the world feeling unsafe, they don't trust others. They don't trust themselves. Right. And their emotions, you can see that a lot of their behaviors are really reflective of survival. They're just trying to survive. A lot of times they're in fight or flight mode, which is a trauma response. And so they do things that I've heard lots of people talking after the fact. Someone commits a violent crime, saying, well, that was totally out of character for him. Well, when someone is in a chronic state of fight or flight, that becomes their baseline. Right. When we feel that we are threatened, whether it's real or perceived the threat, we will take measures that are far more extreme. So I do think it's really important to look at someone's background.


Gypsy Rose learned early on how to lie and manipulate from her mother

And then the other person who's been in the news a lot because she was just released was Gypsy Rose. So Gypsy Row. And it's an interesting parallel to the Menendez case because it was familicide. Right. It was like she killed her mother. The Menendez brothers killed their parents. You know, they were both abused as children. It's very interesting. One of the most interesting things about the Gypsy Rose case is she learned very early on how to lie and manipulate. And you can see even, like, as an adult, she still holds that pattern.

>> Tiffanie: You know, I think she learned that without even realizing that's what she was learning, because that's how her mother treated her. Like she saw the manipulation. But the sad thing is she didn't even. Like, she didn't even know she could walk. She didn't even know how old she was. Like, she was so manipulated herself into this. But she saw what her mother was doing and without even realizing it, picked up on the traits.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah, she absolutely absorbed that imprint. Right. And so I don't know if you know that De Blanchard herself was also abused as a child. So it's a cyclical thing. Right. It's like De was abused. So she didn't come from a secure attachment. She has a daughter. She repeats the cycle. And so we see this really often. And so, you know, when I started, I guess, the beginning of the conversation, and I said, emotional regulation is crime prevention in My mind, it's violence prevention. We need to break the cycle. So even if, even if you had a terrible childhood, the fact that you are, you didn't come from a home where you had a secure attachment to your caregiver, that is not a life sentence. You can change your patterning in the same way you got patterned in the first place, your subconscious mind. We have very specific ways and tools that we can work with you to help you re pattern new, healthier behaviors which then. Or healthier patterns which then greatly affect your beliefs, your thoughts, your emotions, and ultimately your actions or your behavior. So we can do that work.


When you become emotionally regulated, your nervous system relaxes and calms

And I think that's the one point that I want to really sort of drive home, is that if you do recognize that you're not emotionally regulated or enough people in your circle have told you that you are not emotionally regulated, pay attention. Pay attention. Because first of, all, when you actually do the work to regulate your nervous system and become emotionally regulated, not only do you open yourself up to the possibility of having much more fulfilling and deeper connections with folks, but as we talked about earlier, you're going to move out of that fight or flight state that you're in. That's the sympathetic nervous system. You're on guard. You're ready to go to war. That is really difficult to maintain, right? So when we get you out of that and back into your parasympathetic nervous system, the body can relax, it can calm down. All of a sudden it could think more clearer. All of a sudden you're not at risk for all of these chronic diseases that we talked about, right? When you're chronically, chronically stressed, all of a sudden you can feel pleasure and joy again. There's all of these beautiful things that can happen when you regulate your own, you know, emotional system, your own nervous system. And, so there's beautiful reasons to do that and also for your family, because if you're emotionally dysregulated, one minute you're violent, the next minute, you know, you're dismissive, or one minute you're crying, and the next minute you're happy, that affects your entire family unit.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, for sure.


Gypsy Rose is expecting her first child, a daughter

And first, I want to say, anyone who is listening, if you know somebody who needs to hear this episode, please share it with them. because this is good, important information. And also, Gypsy Rose is pregnant, right?

>> Bev Mittelman: I do. And she's having a daughter.

>> Tiffanie: I really hope she learns how to break the cycle.

>> Bev Mittelman: We can have little hints, right? Because we can only garner what we see on social media. Obviously I'm not in touch with her, but we have little hints of her behavior. When she was incarcerated, she was married to another man, so she used him. The minute she got out, she dumped him and went for someone else immediately got pregnant. So you can see the manipulation playing out. Right? You can see that. To me, I wonder if she truly knows how to be authentic and honest. I'm not sure she learned that. will she change in the future with her own daughter? I think given the amount of media attention that she gets, I think she's gotten used to that. I think that people, people like that who have a high degree for need for validation, reassurance, attention that comes from it could be either severely insecurely attached or there could sometimes be personality disorders attached to that as well, which I am not diagnosing anyone. but I think unless she makes a concerted effort to recognize her patterns and change it, the likelihood is that she will inflict the same thing onto her daughter.

>> Tiffanie: That would be very, very sad.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah, yeah.


So let's say somebody realizes they have an attachment disorder and how do they correct it

>> Tiffanie: So let's say somebody realizes they have an attachment disorder that they don't really like. How do we correct that?

>> Bev Mittelman: Okay, excellent question. So we don't call it an attachment disorder just to be really quick because, that sort of, it sort of sounds like we're diagnosing someone. But again, we all have attachment styles. So it could mean that you recognize that you lean very anxious. Right. Or you're dismissive. So a number of the things that we do is we work on first identifying core wounds that you're carrying around. Now we all have core wounds from our childhood. The people who grew up in homes where there was insecure attachment or they had an insecure attachment, they tend to have more core wounds and deeper core wounds. Right. Than someone who grew up in a secure environment. So we identify those core wounds and then we look to unravel that patterning. So it could be like, I am unworthy or I am not good enough. This is a really common one. I am not good enough. We see this a lot with people who are anxiously attached. We also see this with people who are perfectionists, people who got a lot of attention for, for example, academic achievements. They were always striving to be better because that's how they got love, right? Right, Right. The Menendez brothers. Right. They had to be the top of their game in sports. They had to be when Lyle started balding. That's unacceptable. You have to be peak in terms of your physicality. You have to be peak at school. You have To I am not good enough. Right. So that's a very damaging core wound that we carry around. So the idea is to figure out which one of these core wounds are still present and causing you distress in today's world. And after just a couple of sessions with someone, usually I can identify where those core wounds are very quickly, because people will generally talk about or complain or talk about being in distress about the things that are triggering their core wounds. They might not realize it's triggering their core wounds. But someone, for example, will tell me a story about how they were in traffic and someone cut them off and it made them so angry that they flipped them the bird and they yelled out their window. And I was like, so what were you feeling in that moment that made you so angry when a stranger did something to you? Right. Because what triggered that? And a lot of times, for example, that would be related to a core wound of I am disrespected. Interesting, right?

>> Tiffanie: Talk to my best friend, because driving with her gives me such damn anxiety. Oh, my God. Even talking to her on the phone while she's driving, I'm like, girl, I can't do this.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah. I mean, in that case, it's because I do a lot of work with people with boundaries too, right? Like teaching boundaries. In that case, Tiffanie, say to her, you know what? call me back later when you got to where you're going, because I know what you're saying. Yeah. It's like they become so angry, Right? This road rage thing is a real thing. So once you've identified the core wounds, you work to unravel them and repattern them. the work that I do with my clients is also to help them understand their own personality needs. Many people, again, if they grew up in a home where they weren't even allowed to express their authentic emotions, they certainly have no idea what they need. Like, this might be the first time that they're actually thinking about, okay, what actually brings me happiness, contentment. At, what moments do I feel satiated? What allows me to feel trusted for someone else? You know, what is it that someone offers me that allows me to be safe in their arms? All of these things. So when we can understand what that looks like for someone and it's different for everyone, that person all of a sudden can communicate to other people. This is what I need. We spend so much time talking about how important it is to communicate, but I think the real issue is that people don' Understand what they need. And so communicating to someone, this is what I need. In order to feel safe and secure, for example, in this friendship is really a beautiful thing. So, the other work that I do with them too is again, this is work that they would have learned. This is things that they would have learned in childhood, but they didn't. Right. So understanding their emotional patterns, understanding their relationship to boundaries. People who are anxious, preoccupied, for example, don't understand boundaries. They don't have boundaries because they are constantly trying to please someone else to be liked. Right.

>> Tiffanie: So like themselves.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we call that self abandonment where you put your needs last. But it's not. It's not because you're so kind and you're so empathetic. And no, that's not what it is. It's because you're afraid that if someone sees the true version of you, they won't like you and they will leave you. So. Right. It's deep. Yeah. So it's the same thing with this nice guy syndrome. I'm just a nice guy. I'm like, okay, there's a difference, a distinct difference between nice and kind. So like, nice is people pleasing. Right. Oh, we'll go for dinner wherever you want. No, eat everything. Or can you give me a ride to the airport? Four in the morning?

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, sure.

>> Bev Mittelman: Of course. That's no problem. I always want wake up at that time M. Right.


The whole nice thing, by the way, is manipulation. Right. So I often talk about the distinction between nice and kind

Totally dismissing their own needs. Right. And because they want so desperately to be liked by someone, because that's a core wound that they have, they feel that they're not likable or that they'll be abandoned if they are not, you know, Mr. Congeniality. They learned that early on to be hyper congenial towards their parents or their parents would withdraw their love.

>> Tiffanie: Makes sense.

>> Bev Mittelman: It makes so much sense. Now, a person, you know, a man who says they're kind, kindness is an authentic gesture of thoughtfulness towards someone else. You know, I brought you home flowers because I know that you love roses. And these were just the beautiful, most beautiful ones that I saw. I wanted you to see them, not I brought you home flowers so, like, you won't be upset with me because I woke you up last night. Because, I don't. Whatever. Right? I'm not trying to please you. Right. I'm not trying to get anything. The whole nice thing, by the way, and people don't realize this, the underpinning is, manipulation. Right. I'm presenting a version of myself to manipulate you. And how you react towards me now, again, it's subconscious. So I would venture a guess that a Lot of guys who label themselves as nice guys would go, I don't manipulate people. But you do. You do. Because if you want to be authentic, you want to have an authentic relationship and connection with someone, whether it be a friend, a family member, a romantic partner, then not showing up as your true self, showing me another version. It is manipulative. It's deceptive. Right?

>> Tiffanie: Right. Because eventually you're going to stop doing those things. And then the person's like, well, what happened to this, this and this? And it's like, well, I already got you.

>> Bev Mittelman: Right. Yeah. So I often talk about the distinction between nice and kind. Right. Kind is not expecting anything in return. Kind is thoughtfulness. Right. Coming from an authentic place. But anyways, so I think we can see that as, as people, we're very, very good at developing a whole series of behavioral coping mechanisms when we are in these environments where we feel like we just have to survive. Right. And so. And most of the time they're not healthy. So what I do with my clients is once we get through the core wounds and we unravel that and we talk about needs and boundaries, emotional patterns, communication styles, because that's very, very influenced by your attachment style too, then we look at your coping behaviors. So how do you cope when you're in conflict? How do you cope when you're feeling stressed out? do you reach for a bag of Cheetos? That's a big one. Right. That tub of ice cream is always there to, you know, soothe your emotional pain. Right. Or do you punch a hole in the wall? Right. Do you go down to the local pub and check out and drink yourself silly? Do you go to the casino and blow a bunch of money? Do you go over to the mall and buy a whole bunch of T shirts you don't need? We do all sorts of things.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, here I do.

>> Bev Mittelman: I know. Just to not feel our pain. Right. So it's an exercise in becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And I'm bringing up some of the more lighter things. Right. It is quite destructive. If you have a shopping addiction, let's say financially, it can be very destructive. But you know, again, we do see times where people are destructive inwards towards themselves or destructive outwards. Right. So when people are in incredible distress emotionally, for example, we will see that sometimes people will self harm. They'll cut. Right. It's a terribly frightening behavior. Oh, yeah, terribly frightening. But it's, inward. They're not looking to cause pain to anyone else. But there are people that turn it externally. Right. And these are the people who become violent and they're the ones who commit crimes. So there is a strong association between your ability to regulate your emotions, understand what you're feeling, go through those moments in a healthy way, and to channel it into a direction that is healthy versus allowing your emotions to get the better of you. Going into this, you know, hyper emotional states, fight or flight, where you're no longer your rational brain turns off at this point in time, and to do something that would be unthinkable, entirely irrational. So if you ask me, emotional regulation should be the top skill that they're teaching in high schools, that they're teaching in prisons. Like, I just think that our world would be different if people really knew how to handle those tough feelings that. That surface for all of us.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. I. Middle school. I mean, let's think about it. If we can get to it sooner, we're not going to progress to these very scary levels that they do.

>> Bev Mittelman: That's right. Yeah. That's such a good point. I mean, if, you just look at the increase in, you know, 20 years ago, school shootings wasn't a thing. So we can see that this emotional dysregulation, you know, the impact that it has even in our early years right now, the problem is also is that you throw on, you know, adolescents who are going through puberty at that time and the influx of all the hormones with someone who is not emotionally regulated, and it really is a recipe for disaster.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, for sure.

>> Bev Mittelman: That's why we're seeing so many more young offenders incarcerated.


Anger in our society continues to be somewhat acceptable for men

Right. And anger in our society continues to be somewhat acceptable for men. Like, I believe that all emotions are neutral. Like, I don't think some are good and some are bad. I think all emotions are at times useful. Oh.

>> Tiffanie: I mean, they're healthy. You need to have emotions, for sure.

>> Bev Mittelman: But in the way that we've been socialized, maybe it's starting to change a little bit now. But, you know, as a young girl, I was socialized to believe that, like, in my household, like, anger was not tolerated. So if I was angry about something, it was like, you're bad for having that emotion. And then I had to pretend, no, I'm not angry because I was told, put a smile on your face. And so I'm sitting there like, but I'm boiling inside. Right. So I'm learning to push it down. I'm learning that anger is bad. I'm learning that I can't really feel what I'm feeling. And that if I express anger to my caregivers, I'm going to be dismissed, punished, something. So a child learns very early on, okay, anger, bad, don't show anger, push it down. That's how a lot of women were socialized, right. In today's world. Like, you don't want to see an angry woman. It's not womanly like to be aggressive. It's not. Let me tell you, if someone comes after my kids, I will be more aggressive than you've ever seen. Right. I have two grown sons now. They're 18 and 20. But when they were younger and I thought that there was a threat, I became incredibly aggressive.

>> Tiffanie: Mama bear.

>> Bev Mittelman: Mama bear. It serves a purpose right now, you know, inversely, men often get socialized that to cry or to show weak, you know, to show like sadness is weakness, that you need to man up, you need to be a man. You know, big boys don't cry. All of this sort of rhetoric, narrative. And so they inversely push that down. And the one emotion that they're generally given space to show is anger. And there's a fine line between anger and rage.

>> Tiffanie: Oh yeah, right.

>> Bev Mittelman: And so I think we have to, we have to consider that both genders, you know, we all experience a range of emotions. There isn't one that's good, there isn't one that's bad. It's how, how we process them and then, you know, release that energy from our body without doing ourselves harm and without harming others.

>> Tiffanie: Amen to that.


If somebody wanted to work with you, how, what's your preference

If somebody wanted to work with you, how, what's your preference? How they can get a hold of you?

>> Bev Mittelman: Thank you for asking that question. My website is securelyloved.com and we are all over social media. My, my adult children have taught me tick tock and so we're on tick tock and Instagram securely underscore. Loved. I have a YouTube channel, but really the easiest way is to go to my website, securelyloved.com and there's a couple of things you can do there. There's a, there's a free quiz right at the top. You'll see a little button that says take a free attachment quiz if you're interested. As like just a point of awareness of where you fall on the attachment scale. You can take that quiz. it's entirely for you. The results don't get sent to me, but it'll give you a starting point of where you are. And I think that's very, that's very helpful for a lot of people. You could also. Yeah, it's fun. Like it I mean, fun. It's, it's interesting to start to understand your own mind. Yeah, it's a starting point. And then you also could book free 20 minute consult with me or with any of the other, other practitioners that I work with. Because we're a collective, we're a group of practitioners. It's not just me. And we also have, we work with individuals, couples, we have group sessions. So there's lots of options there. thank you.

>> Tiffanie: Of course. And I'll make sure. I'm going to put the links in the show notes, so anyone who's looking, you know exactly where to go.


True crime is most often consumed by women, which is interesting

Was there anything else that you wanted to say before we wrap up?

>> Bev Mittelman: You know what? I love this conversation. I think you're well aware of the fact that true crime is most often consumed by women. Right? Like, you're. I'm sure, yeah. Do you know why that is?

>> Tiffanie: I mean, I think it's because I identify with some of it. Not that I'm killing people, but on the other end.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah. Okay, so that's a great point. Yes. That is a huge driving factor. Women. Because most violent crimes, not all, of course, but most violent crimes are committed by men onto women. And a lot of women can absolutely relate to the victims. But also there's another reason, and I don't know if this has come across in any of your discussions. So there's a general sense of not feeling safe in the world for many women. And I know that this is the reason that I'm so drawn to true crime, is this desire to understand the criminal mind is almost a way to try to mitigate risk and keep myself safe. So if I could understand the motivations of the perpetrators or some of their tactics, then I could spot it and hopefully get myself out of a difficult situation. I don't know if a lot of people would consciously know that that's what they're doing by consuming this content. but it certainly is a factor that's been identified. So our subconscious mind does a lot of things to try and keep us safe. Safe, right.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah.

>> Bev Mittelman: Yeah. And this is, this is one of them. So it's pretty interesting.

>> Tiffanie: That is so interesting. But that makes perfect sense. You're still in it, but you're on your couch. So, like, you're fine.

>> Bev Mittelman: No, but like, sometimes when I'm, I, sometimes I'm like, taking notes. I'm like, all right, okay, the psychopathic scare. Give it to me. I want to see the stare. I'm like, studying. tell me again about how he went about choosing his victims. Okay. Like, there's something there, right where we're so drawn to this. So anyways, I just thought your audience would find that interesting.

>> Tiffanie: That's so interesting. I love it. So thank you for sharing. It makes so much sense. All of this makes so much sense. I don't know how many times I've said that in this episode, but, like, yes, that's great.

>> Bev Mittelman: Thank you so much. I love to being on your platform. Thank you.

>> Tiffanie: Of course. Thank you so much for being here. This. This was fun. I had fun.