[00:00:00] Tiffanie: Today's guest is someone whose story and work will truly stay with you. Sophora is a licensed marriage and family therapist, trauma specialist, and the CEO of Restorative pathways, an organization that supports survivors of domestic violence, human trafficking, and generational trauma. But Sophora's, not just a therapist, she's a survivor, Practically deaf. Since childhood, she's faced personal and systematic challenges head on and turn them into fuel for healing, not just for herself, but for thousands of others. She brings warmth, humor, and raw honesty. To some of the hardest conversations, and she's here today to talk about breaking the cycles of abuse, building self-worth, and what true restoration really looks like.

[00:00:49] Sophora, welcome to the show.

[00:00:52] Sophora Acheson: Thank you. That was a lovely introduction. You were invited to everything that you get to introduce me to and just make me sound like the most amazing person. So thank you very much.

[00:01:04] Tiffanie: Of course what you're doing is amazing and it is so important. I would say at least 90% of our families are fucked up.

[00:01:15] Sophora Acheson: Yeah, Uhhuh. Yep, absolutely. , And still trying to get unfucked basically, , from, you know, , the generational trauma. I mean, I sure hope. My kids are better off than I [00:01:30] was. , You know, I think about that every day. I am like, okay, am I screwing them up? I think I'm doing a good job. I think I'm, , doing better than my parents, , did.

[00:01:37] But yeah, it's been a wild ride so far. I'm turning 40 this year and I'm hoping like. The second half of my life, , or the next 40 years is gonna be a lot more chill, , than the, than the first 40.

[00:01:54] Tiffanie: I can already tell you're doing better than your parents because you already recognize it, and that is the huge one. It took me into my thirties to realize I was a product of generational trauma,

[00:02:06] Sophora Acheson: Oh yeah,

[00:02:07] Tiffanie: and it

[00:02:08] Sophora Acheson: for sure. Yeah.

[00:02:09] Tiffanie: So eyeopening. It's like, oh, so there's a reason why you are the way you are.

[00:02:16] Sophora Acheson: Yes. Yes. , I think there's a book called like Why I Am The Way I Am. , Read it quite a, a long time ago, but it, yes, it wasn't until, gosh, I would say it was after like my second was born and so I was like 32, 33, so like well into my thirties before I was like. Oh, this makes a lot of sense and I feel like I had like a better roadmap of how to deal with stuff.

[00:02:45] , And that was on both sides of it. , As you mentioned, I am a survivor , both of, you know, childhood abuse and. , All the way through when I, you know, left my house as a teenager. But then my first adult [00:03:00] relationship, freaking surprise, surprise, was a very violent and, you know, domestic violence relationship, which I mean, statistically is like a duh.

[00:03:09] , But then when I did get into a safe relationship with my now husband who I've been with for 18 years, , I turned into the asshole. Because I did not know how to deal with somebody who was secure attachment and calm and didn't wanna like, fight it out with me. And like his angry was like, oh, I'm mad.

[00:03:36] And I'm like, what the fuck is happening right now? Like, this doesn't, what are, what are you, I don't get this. . Yeah, like, this doesn't make any sense. And so there was a lot of work for me to do around all sides of it. , Because I could have easily and was going down the path of. You know, essentially turning into my dad, who was the abuser.

[00:03:58] , Because I didn't know how to deal with my own anger, my own trauma, nor how to actually be in a healthy relationship like that, was never modeled for me. And so I felt like I had to like, go back to quote unquote like people's school. Like how do you healthily, like relate to people and conflict? Hmm. If you would've told me.

[00:04:23] Conflict was not throwing things and slamming doors and [00:04:30] screaming and insulting people, and it was like an actual discussion of disagreement. I would've laughed, like I would've been like, that's funny.

[00:04:39] Tiffanie: Yeah,

[00:04:40] Sophora Acheson: , So yeah, it's, it's been a huge journey.

[00:04:44] Tiffanie: I, yeah, I mean, same, same with me. The way that I grew up, you know, mine wasn't like physical or anything like that. It was more like mental emotional, but then I found myself. In those same situations, and not only just with men, but with friends.

[00:05:00] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:05:01] Tiffanie: crazy how it just repeats and repeats and repeats.

[00:05:05] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we get our, our nervous system and this is all, you know, technical therapy language, which, you know, when I was early on in my like master's program, like. I got it cognitively. I was like, oh yeah, that makes sense. Our nervous system like regulates to chaos and it regulates to, you know, people manipulating us or treating us badly or violence or whatever it is that you're going through.

[00:05:31] But I didn't, emotionally or even like, I don't know, spiritually understand that until, until you do like, until it kind of clicks and you're like, oh, whoa. Like I am more comfortable. In chaos or I seek out relationships that have those patterns or whatever. , Because it's familiar.

[00:05:54] Tiffanie: And they're hard to break. You would think that it's not like, oh, I mean, who wants that? [00:06:00] Deep down? You do. And you don't even know it.

[00:06:02] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. And like what a mind fuck that is.

[00:06:06] Tiffanie: Oh, complete mind. Fuck.

[00:06:10] Sophora Acheson: You're like, wait a second. , I remember my therapist telling me one time, she was like, well, , we, we were talking about a toxic relationship that I was in, and she's like, well, , what are you getting out of it? And I'm like, what do you mean? What am I getting out of it? I'm getting out of like, I'm, I'm, you know, being treated like crap and I'm not getting anything out of it.

[00:06:31] And she's like, oh, you certainly are getting something out of it, otherwise you wouldn't be in it. And I was like, okay, I hate you and you're kind of right. So there's that.

[00:06:44] Tiffanie: Well, . I mean, that's a hard pill to swallow. 'cause you're like, what do you mean I like this shit? But

[00:06:49] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:06:50] Tiffanie: clearly you, you, you must in some sense, I mean obviously a lot of people do feel trapped, whether it's you have children or you're dealing with financial abuse, things of that nature, and you just

[00:07:02] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:07:03] Tiffanie: But for the most part, we're just conditioned to stay where we're at.

[00:07:08] Sophora Acheson: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's the devil,, versus the devil you don't know. And I mean, that was a huge thing for me in, , my adult relationship that was a, a dv situation is one, I was so afraid to be alone. Like so scared to be alone. And I rather deal with all of the bullshit [00:07:30] then be alone because I did not know what being alone.

[00:07:34] Felt like, looked like how I was gonna survive. And you know, all the narratives that come with, I'm not gonna make it or, , whatever it is, your like negative core beliefs are feed into that. And two, you know, , there is layering factors, right? Like there was financial situations where I was like, yeah, , I'm gonna be homeless if I, , leave this person or, .

[00:07:58] , We thank God did not have kids together, but I can only imagine having kids now is a, that can be in itself a reason why people stay. So, yeah, it's a, it's a multifaceted, layered, cluster fuck of a situation.

[00:08:17] Tiffanie: Agreed.

[00:08:19] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:08:20] Tiffanie: what did you do to kind of get past yours? You said you saw a therapist and obviously you became one. So I mean, you

[00:08:28] Sophora Acheson: yeah,

[00:08:29] Tiffanie: power that it comes with.

[00:08:31] Sophora Acheson: What did I do to get through mine? Well, I mean, it all kind of came to a head one night. , I had been in this relationship for. A good four years, , it started in high school, lots of love bombing, lots of like, you know, it was an older guy. , I was gonna be secure, , talk about daddy issues, like, , I was able to depend on this person, all of that stuff.

[00:08:58] And then [00:09:00] it was an interesting thing that happened. It wa it was like the layers of the rose colored glasses started to come off and it didn't happen. All at once. It was like one layer came off and the first one was the financial one. Like, I actually started to see that this person was absolutely ruining me financially.

[00:09:28] , So they had taken out a bunch of stuff in my name without me knowing the, you know, they had lied about, , leases that we had and, . I was standing with one of my friends and the, , repo guy pulled up in my driveway and like hooked up my car by only form of transportation and like took my car.

[00:09:51] , And I was standing there going, well, you know, maybe like. He just didn't pay it because he misunderstood something and she looked at me and was just like, really, we're gonna do this? Like, we're gonna, you're your literal car. Somebody came and took your car. Like, are you, are, are you for real right now?

[00:10:09] And so that was like the crack. That was like the crack of me, you know, the, the rose colored glasses coming off. I'm like, Ooh, you know what? You're probably right about that. And then once that, like the door was open a little bit, then more and more I really started to see this person kind of [00:10:30] for who they were or their behavior for who they were.

[00:10:32] , And then. It all culminated into one night where, , I got a call. I had, , moved out and was staying with a friend 'cause we were taking a break, like air quotes. We were taking a break. We were on a break, but it was just another like manipulation tactic, , of like him being like, well, I wanna be able to do my own thing, but I don't want you to be able to do that.

[00:11:01] So like, we're gonna be on a break. So anyways, it's like 2:00 AM So I get this call like repeatedly. He's calling me and I pick up the phone. I'm like, dude, what do you want? He's clearly intoxicated. And he's like, accusing me of all this stuff. I can't really understand him, but he says like, if you don't get over here, , I'm gonna take the other vehicle that he financed in my name without me knowing.

[00:11:26] , And I'm gonna crash it and you're gonna be responsible for it. So what is my. Nine, , how old was it? 20-year-old based, not even adult really. , You know, do, of course I get out of bed and drive over there because that's the smartest thing to do when somebody's, you know, drunk and accusing you of that.

[00:11:45] So me and my best friend drive over there, it's like 3:00 AM He's yelling at me. In the middle of the street and he takes like, you know, one of those yard like stones, bricks, whatever, that they make borders with. It's kind of like a [00:12:00] cinder block. And he, the car is running and he takes the cinder block, puts it on the gas and puts it in gear.

[00:12:07] So the car takes off down the street and I'm like, oh my God. I go running after it and it like goes up into the neighbor's yard, onto the curb. I like am able to get the center block off just enough and put it in park. And as soon as I turn around with all of his weight, he headbutts me and knocks me out.

[00:12:31] Tiffanie: Oh

[00:12:31] Sophora Acheson: And so like the next thing I remember, like my friend is picking me up in the middle of the street, there's blood everywhere. The neighbor's, like I'm calling the police and I say all this to say, I mean, he went to jail that night for domestic violence, did eight months in, you know, county jail for it and, and some other things.

[00:12:54] And I say all that because it was the forced separation that really gave me space to see like what the hell was happening and what I was doing with my life. And if I wanted that, I really as, as much as that was super scary and a crazy ass story and all of that, I, I actually. , I have appreciation for that night because watching him, , get put in the back of a cop car and taken away and knowing that he wasn't gonna be [00:13:30] around for months to come, , was exactly what I needed to like, get my head on straight and figure out what the next plan was because I felt like he was not, I felt he was so suffocating otherwise, like, I couldn't.

[00:13:44] I didn't even have enough space to figure out did I want this relationship, did I not, and what was the plan gonna be? So that was a very long-winded answer to your question.

[00:13:57] Tiffanie: no, but that totally makes sense. Like sometimes you need. Something to

[00:14:02] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:14:03] Tiffanie: because who's to say even though what happened to you is Abso horrible, that you wouldn't have gone back? Only because you don't have that time to reflect. But that's part of their plan. They

[00:14:15] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:14:16] Tiffanie: you the

[00:14:17] Sophora Acheson: Right,

[00:14:18] Tiffanie: So they'll, they'll do everything that they can to constantly like poke here. I

[00:14:24] Sophora Acheson: Yep,

[00:14:24] Tiffanie: still here.

[00:14:26] Sophora Acheson: I,, slowly moved on with my life and,, he got out of, , jail and then there was about two years of harassment and stalking after that. However, I felt a lot more like resolve and confidence when I was experiencing like that kind of abuse from him because I was certain I wasn't going back.

[00:14:52] And then it was about. Really setting clear boundaries, and it was about safety at that point. , But like the [00:15:00] emotional, you're still in survival mode at that point. The emotional healing, I don't think started until I was about 26. So that was like six years after that incident had happened where,

[00:15:14] , Some people around me, including my fiance at that time, and you know, friends, definitely my sister and my mom were like, dude, you're kind of really angry. Like, you might wanna talk to somebody about that, or, you know, your explosiveness, like you can't really handle stress and, you know, , and that's when I started going to a therapist.

[00:15:41] , I absolutely would've never admitted back then that everything I experienced was trauma or abuse. It was like, it's just life, you know? . And I would definitely package things in humor and, , you know, I'm fine. I'm, I'm getting through it. , For me, going through my master's program and becoming a therapist was like, well, I'm super screwed up.

[00:16:06] Maybe if I go, , to therapy school, that'll like save me a lot of money in therapy. , PSA, it doesn't. You don't, you now have, you now have student loans and you still have to go to therapy. , But I love the lens that it has me look through. , I definitely look through a lot of life through a mental health lens, [00:16:30] but it was really my kids when my kids were born that.

[00:16:37] Really brought everything to a screeching halt and I had a big choice to make. Either get your shit together, Sophora, and take responsibility for the healing. , Because we are not responsible for the hurt, but we are responsible for the healing. , that's also hard because do I think my parents should probably pay for therapy?

[00:16:59] Sure. Do I think my ex should probably pay for therapy? Absolutely. , But at the end of the day, the only person that's responsible to do the work for the healing is, , myself. And I had to get really real about that. , And so yeah, , my kids were the mirror that was held up in front of me saying, okay, are you gonna do this or are you not?

[00:17:18] Tiffanie: Right, and I mean, thank God you knew that and you moved in the right direction. So many people will have kids and still try to bury this, and you cannot bury this. It's going to unbury itself at

[00:17:34] Sophora Acheson: Uhhuh.

[00:17:34] Tiffanie: in time,

[00:17:35] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:17:36] Tiffanie: think like, oh, it didn't affect me until 10 years later. You're like in a corner crying.

[00:17:41] You don't know

[00:17:42] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:17:43] Tiffanie: Like you

[00:17:44] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:17:45] Tiffanie: tub of ice cream and you're like, where did my life go wrong?

[00:17:48] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:17:48] Tiffanie: deal with your damn trauma.

[00:17:50] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's so much research out there. There's so much, you know, people talking about this and we have so much information. Like you said, [00:18:00] it doesn't matter how good you are at dissociating, how good you are at burying things, it will come up. None of us are immune from that.

[00:18:11] . And, , people will try. I definitely have clients who are like, well, you know, but , I've really like packaged that away. I am like, okay, well let me know how that works out for you, , down the road. , 'Cause it won't, unfortunately.

[00:18:25] Tiffanie: No. And. , So when I was going through all my shit, like all

[00:18:30] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:18:31] Tiffanie: that we have today were not a thing. And I'm

[00:18:34] Sophora Acheson: Mm-hmm.

[00:18:35] Tiffanie: same with you, narcissists, love bombing, gaslighting. Like this shit

[00:18:40] Sophora Acheson: What is that? Yeah,

[00:18:42] Tiffanie: And it wasn't until all these names started coming out and I was like, oh shit. Like

[00:18:48] Sophora Acheson: yeah,

[00:18:49] Tiffanie: that's what it was.

[00:18:51] Sophora Acheson: yeah.

[00:18:52] Tiffanie: It was almost relieving to be able to put a name to it because this other person's gonna tell you, you're fucking bad. Shit crazy.

[00:18:59] Sophora Acheson: Yep,

[00:18:59] Tiffanie: And

[00:19:00] Sophora Acheson: yep.

[00:19:00] Tiffanie: feel that way for a while, but it's not

[00:19:04] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:19:04] Tiffanie: finally get out and start looking at it differently and you're

[00:19:07] Sophora Acheson: Yeah,

[00:19:07] Tiffanie: no, I wasn't the crazy one.

[00:19:10] Sophora Acheson: yeah, yeah. , We do, we have a lot more language and tools for it now, which is amazing because it gives you validation,

[00:19:19] Tiffanie: Mm-hmm.

[00:19:19] Sophora Acheson: know, it gives us understanding and that knowledge is power for sure. Therapy has been like a love hate relationship with it. , You know, doing the work is not easy.

[00:19:29] [00:19:30] Like I think a lot of my misconception of therapy when I was going through it with myself is like. Oh, well, one, it's gonna be a linear process. Like I'm gonna go from step A to B2C, all the way through to the end. There's gonna be no like regression, there's gonna be no like curvy lines. It's just like this is a set thing that you do and there's a very clear process.

[00:19:55] And then the other thing was that I was gonna have this. Very beautiful, very peaceful. Almost like, you know, a flower being bloomed like experience of like healing, fucking healing hurts, dude. Like it's rough. And when you've been through so much pain, like I don't think anybody willingly wants to sign up for more.

[00:20:27] And so that was a, that was also like a reconciliation I had to do internally with me is, , I remember one of my therapists, because I've had, you know, quite a, quite a few working on different things with me, but they were like, well, Sophora, just pick your heart. And I'm like, what do you mean? And they're like, it's all hard.

[00:20:46] The abuse is hard. The, the trauma is hard, and so is the healing. , If it's all on the same playing field, then you don't have a misconception about like it being like one is better than the other. [00:21:00] You can stay in the trauma. That's super hard. You can also go through the healing.

[00:21:05] It's also gonna be hard, but I can tell you it's going to be worth it. And once I like reconciled that in myself that like, oh, I actually have a choice in what kind of hard thing I'm doing. , , I picked the healing and there were moments where I was like, this is, this is too much. , But then you, you start to see the benefits of it.

[00:21:30] Tiffanie: Your life gets so much better after you are happy. It's like,

[00:21:35] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:21:36] Tiffanie: who knew?

[00:21:37] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. Who knew that I was super unhappy and traumatized and the world sucked, like, yeah. Yeah. , I don't know about you, but I had a, like, I had a little bit of a, of a moment. , , One time my, , oldest was like three at the time and I was taking her to like six Flags. And I remember walking into like the park, , and I had like this whole weird like out of body like dissociative moment where I was like, I'm not anxious.

[00:22:10] I'm not worried about my safety. I'm actually present with her in the moment, even though I was having like a whole dissociative like experience, I was actually like present in the moment and I was happy. And I was like, holy shit, is this what nont traumatized people do? Like, is this how [00:22:30] they live? Like this is amazing.

[00:22:34] , And I just, I wanted more of that. So there was definitely motivation there. I don't know about you, if you, like, if there was a moment, like the first time you remember being happy and you were like, holy crap.

[00:22:45] Tiffanie: I can remember the first time I felt like I wasn't suffocated anymore. Like I didn't have to ask. hang out with friends. I didn't have to cover things up thinking I'm gonna get in trouble for living my life. Like, you know, once I was able to finally cut the cord, I felt like I can breathe. And that was amazing because when you're constantly worried about what the next person is going to say to you

[00:23:14] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:23:15] Tiffanie: Talking on the phone or doing

[00:23:17] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:23:18] Tiffanie: we all do, like,

[00:23:20] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:23:20] Tiffanie: suffocating. You miss a call. You look at your phone, there's 35 more.

[00:23:24] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:23:25] Tiffanie: holy shit, it's suffocating.

[00:23:29] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. I think that's a very visceral way to explain it of that like suffocating feeling. I think anybody who's in a been in a DV relationship like you, you get it. Like you know what that that feels like. And yes, to have that relief is like. You actually like breach the, , water and are able to take a breath and, oh my gosh.

[00:23:54] Yeah.

[00:23:55] Tiffanie: Yeah, like when the angry texts stop coming in, telling you how [00:24:00] horrible you are and all this, it's just like, oh. Peace.

[00:24:05] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. Yeah. , When I very first started my career in this, which is about 14 years in, , I've worked at, , what is now restorative pathways. We used to, , be called Ruby's Place, , and one of our sites is. , The very, , traditional safe house emergency shelter for women and their children who are escaping domestic violence relationships, and.

[00:24:31] , That was where I first started my career, so I'm like sitting in the shelter. I would do intakes with folks. I would, you know, do peer counseling with them and all of that. And I remember that there was this kind of interesting phenomenon that would happen like the first 72 hours that the women would get there.

[00:24:50] They would come into the front office in the morning and be like, so what do I do? And I'm like, eh. Anything you want. And they're like, what do you mean? And I'm like, well, do you, do you wanna eat breakfast? Do you wanna go for a walk? Do you wanna sit out on the patio? There's an art class. Like, and they were kind of stunned by that.

[00:25:12] They were, you know, you're so used to being in a controlled environment or having somebody being like, what are you doing? Where are you going? What's happening? That they were like in this almost state of shock of like, well. Don't you just tell me what to do? Like don't you [00:25:30] just, you know, isn't there like a schedule, a strict thing that I have to follow?

[00:25:34] And I'm like, no, you have autonomy over all of your decisions. And it was like, , they would almost like kind of recoil at that because they didn't know how to, , handle it. And it took a while to like lean into like, oh, I get to do what I want.

[00:25:52] Tiffanie: I have so many guests that come on and they say like, once they get to that point, sometimes they have a hard time even remembering what it was that they liked to do. Like, well,

[00:26:02] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:26:02] Tiffanie: I wanna do? What, what, what was I good at? What did I like to do before this

[00:26:07] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:26:07] Tiffanie: completely wipe my calendar clean? You know what

[00:26:10] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:26:12] Tiffanie: And that's crazy 'cause you would think like you would, oh, I like to do this, this, and this. Well, no, when you haven't had it for so long, it's like you're probably almost scared to make the decisions. 'cause you're like, am I gonna make the wrong one or the

[00:26:25] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:26:26] Tiffanie: But there's no wrong answer.

[00:26:28] Sophora Acheson: Yep. Yeah, yeah. And then who's gonna,, when's the other shoe gonna drop on that? And so there's almost like trust that you have to rebuild with. The world and with yourself that like, okay, I am gonna make the decision and then I'm gonna wait for like somebody to get upset or tell me that's wrong, or whatever.

[00:26:47] And so there's this like trust rebuilding that that has to happen. Yeah.

[00:26:55] Tiffanie: you do. And you have to start to trust yourself again because what's the number one thing we all do [00:27:00] when we get out? We are mad at ourselves. We are embarrassed. We are like, how could I have been so stupid? And so many people are such successful business women and business men

[00:27:13] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:27:13] Tiffanie: because this happens to men too, and they're like. But I'm smarter than this.

[00:27:19] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:27:19] Tiffanie: did this happen? And it's like,

[00:27:21] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:27:21] Tiffanie: does not choose on what you do for a living.

[00:27:25] Sophora Acheson: Yep. Yeah, I think that, I mean, that was a huge thing for me. You know, people often ask me, or even people that were around me, , my mom in particular was like, well, why didn't, why didn't you come to me for help? Or like, why didn't you tell me?

[00:27:43] Tiffanie: Me.

[00:27:43] Sophora Acheson: Uh, 'cause I was fucking embarrassed, dude, because you raised me better than this because I saw it in our own home from my dad, and I swore that that would never happen to me.

[00:27:54] Like I made a promise to myself and then I found myself literally in that exact same spot. So. You know, I think the biggest critics come from internal. Right. You know, which is part of how it, how it keeps us stuck is like, we're embarrassed, we're mad at ourselves, we're ashamed. Like, I mean, there's a whole probably series on the shame that comes with, being in a DV relationship.

[00:28:24] , And I. I do not consider myself. I am not a quiet woman. I [00:28:30] am not, , the, like, I don't know, door Matty ish, and not that, you know, any of us should be, but I am not a, , I'm very assertive and some even would call me, , aggressive and, and stuff like that. So it was. It was even more for me.

[00:28:49] I'm like, how could this possibly happen? Like you, you have that stereotypical image in your mind of what a domestic violence relationship looks like and who the players are in it.

[00:29:03] Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. And you're like, something's not matching up.

[00:29:06] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:29:08] Tiffanie: the thing is, which is crazy, is everything that we think everyone else is thinking, and they are not. It's what we are feeling ourselves, which is the worst

[00:29:18] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:29:19] Tiffanie: and we've got to change that dynamic because you can't listen to that bitch.

[00:29:25] Sophora Acheson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean that inner critic, . It's probably the one that I've spent the most time with in therapy, like really getting to know and why they're there and setting boundaries with it and rewriting those narratives. , Because I mean, that critic will have you tied up and knots mentally, physically, emotionally.

[00:29:51] , It can really take control of your life.

[00:29:54] Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. When you were growing up, your dad was in a crime gang, right?

[00:29:59] Sophora Acheson: Oh yeah. [00:30:00] Oh yeah,

[00:30:02] Tiffanie: Oh.

[00:30:02] Sophora Acheson: yeah, yeah. Fun fact. Fun fact. , We were doing like. Like things that you don't know about, you know each other in this group one time, and I was around a group of people that I like, knew pretty well, but they didn't know this. And I was like trying to think of something like, what could I say that like, they don't already know about me.

[00:30:19] And I was like, oh my, my dad was in a biker gang and they were like. Shut up, dude. You're lying. I'm like, no. Swear to God. He was. Yeah. So, , my dad was in, , a biker gang growing up, and so I saw quite a bit of violence, , even before the age of six. , Some stuff that. And I, it's so weird for me to say now because I know cognitively that this is like, , not the right thing, but like emotionally, I, I just thought that was everybody's life.

[00:30:56] Like I did not know that that wasn't normal for you to see people get beat up to the point that like. They're carried off unconscious, , or your dad tell you, Hey, go grab all the guns and put them under the bed. Like, I'm like, well all five year olds do that. Like all five year olds know how to like load and unload a gun.

[00:31:19] Like no, they don't. , So yeah, it was, it was an interesting life. He left. After a pretty big, , [00:31:30] gang fight went down with another gang, they, , came in and killed our dog, , and threatened that the children would be next. And so my dad had a choice and within 24 hours, packed us up and moved us to the mountains.

[00:31:46] , And. You know, kind of detached himself from that. , I mean, at least from my 6-year-old point of view, I'm sure he was still very, , involved because you don't just leave gang life. But you know, for us, slowly detached like me and my mom and my sister from being in the midst of it. , But yeah, see I've unfortunately seen some crazy shit.

[00:32:08] , I'm writing a book right now, which will be out next year about that. , And I detail a lot of it, but one of the, one of the childhood memories that I have of my dad that I can remember, like clear as day, , it was probably. Like six, seven. , My sister was just a baby and our babysitter, , we were hanging out in the house and my dad, you know, comes through the house stomping and he's like super upset.

[00:32:36] Some stuff had gotten stolen. People were showing up that were clearly not part of like my dad's crew. And like you knew there was tension in the air. Gang turf war shit was going down and , my dad went into the bedroom and got his crossbow because that's normal, because everybody has a crossbow, [00:33:00] right?

[00:33:00] I mean, you have what in your closet? Correct. I mean, we all do. Yeah. Yeah. So my dad goes in and gets a crossbo and , then he's like out in the shed and he's like rifling through things, looking for something. And I'm like going out there. I'm like, what are you looking for? And he's like, get back in the house, you know?

[00:33:20] And I'm like, okay. So, you know, the babysitter kind of like ushers us back in the house and all of a sudden my dad is at the very back of the property standing on. Our, our motor home, like very dilapidated motor home. Don't get me wrong, we were not like fancy people, but like very dilapidated motor home with his crossbow and a megaphone.

[00:33:45] , he's, he's on this.

[00:33:48] Tiffanie: of like one of those zombie apocalypse movies.

[00:33:53] Sophora Acheson: A hundred percent. Yes. Like zombie apocalypse, like walking dead seam. Correct. Absolutely. You nailed it. So he is, he's standing on top of this, , you know, motor home. Me and like the babysitter and my sister are like peeking out the window like what is happening. And my dad's on the megaphone and he's calling too.

[00:34:17] The, I don't know, neighbor person, like a block away. A family member of an opposing gang member. So he is like calling him out, like yelling across the neighborhood, [00:34:30] like a block over. And he says, I know you took my shit.

[00:34:34] I know you've been on my property. I'm gonna shoot one of your dogs right now. And if you don't gimme my shit back by sundown, I'm shooting the other one. So for like, and he was not joking, watched my dad kill their dog and then literally sit on this motor home for. Probably six to seven hours. It was like laying down, you know, singing into the, into the megaphone, standing up, yelling, like taking a coffee break.

[00:35:07] At one point he was singing, Mr. Rogers, won't you be my neighbor, like my dad. I, I, my dad's like the definition of like. War veteran PTSD, like psycho untreated, like max trauma, like that's my father. , And then at the end of the day, unfortunately, the second, you know, he shot the second dog and that's what started the literal, you know, gang war that happened in our neighborhood.

[00:35:41] , We were, we were rushed out of there pretty quickly, but yeah, that, that's like a little window into my, into my childhood, so I'm doing great considering all that.

[00:35:53] Tiffanie: I mean, I think so.

[00:35:56] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:35:57] Tiffanie: I mean, I can totally see [00:36:00] how like. Love and stuff like that can be kind of like diluted at that point when you're like, it's totally normal, like.

[00:36:09] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. Everybody's dad does that right To, yeah, absolutely. And obviously like I, I say it with someone's joking, like the adult me can say that because , I may get real therapeutic here for a minute. Like the adult me didn't experience that. You know, the child. The child me did, and I've had to do a lot of work with the child, me, because she holds a lot of those wounds.

[00:36:30] You know, she saw shit that one no person should see, and definitely not a child, you know? And there was. , You know, more trauma, you know, layered in there. , It's no wonder that the first man who was older than me that had things and showed me love, I was like, oh my God, yes. You know? , Because one, I didn't understand what unconditional love was.

[00:37:00] I didn't understand what safe love was. , And so it makes so much sense to me now why I would end up in that. And then, you know why I also had to be really careful and do a lot of work on myself because that anger, , can also be a really big, , facet to, , refueling a lot of that trauma.

[00:37:24] Tiffanie: Oh, for sure. I mean, little things can trigger you. I mean, but this is like lifelong, so you can do all the [00:37:30] therapy you want. Your journey is never there. Like it's, you're gonna keep going. It doesn't

[00:37:35] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:37:36] Tiffanie: but that's the beauty of it. If you still don't like something today, it can be fixed tomorrow. So.

[00:37:41] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. I used to get really kind of frustrated at that because I'm like, dude, what do you mean my journey is never gonna be over? Like, I'm always gonna be triggered by this. Or I'm like, always gonna have these wounds. And I saw something, , I think this was only like a few months ago where it was like,

[00:37:58] it's not that our wounds never heal, it's that our perspective changes and we get to look at that wound at a different angle or a different layer. So it's like we're healing these layers of these wounds and as we like grow and progress and all of that, . When we do bump up against them or we are triggered with them, the healing isn't like, oh, we're just repeating it.

[00:38:21] It's another perspective or another layer of that wound that we get to go in and look at or heal or tackle. And I think that was really helpful for me because I was like, dude, this feels like a never ending cycle. , And so I, I love that the beauty of that perspective.

[00:38:40] Tiffanie: Right. Hypnotherapy and stuff like that, they're like, oh, you just put a new suggestion in. And it's like,, if it was that easy, that'd be great. But I love the idea of it for sure.

[00:38:50] Sophora Acheson: Yeah, 

[00:38:50] Tiffanie: , I did some, some studying in that and I'm like, can I heal myself? And it's like, yeah.

[00:38:56] Sophora Acheson: yeah. Yeah. I [00:39:00] wish when you figured that out, let me know. Okay.

[00:39:03] Tiffanie: Absolutely. So

[00:39:05] Sophora Acheson: Yeah,

[00:39:05] Tiffanie: the work that you're doing with, , Restorative Pathways. Do you

[00:39:09] Sophora Acheson: yeah,

[00:39:10] Tiffanie: take in, , people who are seeking shelter for domestic violence?

[00:39:15] Sophora Acheson: absolutely. So we have, , coming up nine sticks and bricks facilities across California and in Colorado. , our founder actually started the first domestic violence shelter in the country. And that shelter still exists today? It still operates. It's in Hayward, California. , We are pri in, in terms of California.

[00:39:36] We are primarily in the Bay Area. , And we have several shelters that focus on lots of different populations. So whether you're a mom with kids. , Your dad with kids. , We have shelters for single folks, 18 to 24 that, that transition age, youth population. , We do also have shelters for minors, so 12 to 17 years old who are experiencing violence in their home.

[00:40:00] We have shelters for them. , And then we've got ones for families and. We even are able to bring in pets. So yes, emergency shelter and transition, transitional shelter is always gonna be a part of what we do. , It's at the heart of our mission and really where our founder started and you know, over the 54 years at the agency has been running.

[00:40:24] , We have expanded. Pretty significantly, meaning we, we now have a trauma recovery center [00:40:30] where, , we've got a psychologist and a psychiatrist and therapists and nurses and kind of the whole team to really surround you in your healing journey. We have case management, so all the layers that come in with.

[00:40:42] What's next? Is it housing? Is it employment? Like where do I even start? That team is there to help. And then we have a, a really robust housing team, so folks who are needing rental subsidies while they're, , getting back on their feet. And then we have an outreach team that's really there to bring a awareness around this.

[00:41:04] . And then our newest department, , which is really my baby, I've been working on it for the last 10 years, , really came out of thinking about. Where is my dad? And where is my ex? Are they abusing the next person? And how many people are they gonna impact? And what if we were to go to the source? What if we were to work with the people who cause harm?

[00:41:29] Because we, as we know, the majority of them were once victims themselves. And can we stop domestic violence from perpetuating to the next person and the next generation if we work with them? And so we started a program called Restorative Action for Family Transformation, and last year we opened the first residential facility with wraparound services for those that cause harm.

[00:41:53] So they come into our shelter. , They are, , met with counselors and [00:42:00] advocates who are holding them accountable for their behavior, who are looking at what behavior change needs to happen. We are looking at their own trauma, and there is an opportunity for restorative justice with the victim if the victim wants it.

[00:42:17] Tiffanie: I love that need more of that because hurt people, hurt people.

[00:42:25] Sophora Acheson: People. Yes. Yep.

[00:42:27] Tiffanie: So if we can start to untangle what other web that they're dealing with.

[00:42:34] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:42:35] Tiffanie: mean, this world would be such a different place, especially like with children. If you

[00:42:41] Sophora Acheson: Yes.

[00:42:42] Tiffanie: a victim, very young, we start getting you into the therapy you need so you

[00:42:49] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:42:49] Tiffanie: a future predator or a future abuser. And these are the things that we need. So that is amazing. I wish

[00:42:57] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:42:58] Tiffanie: the world.

[00:43:00] Sophora Acheson: That is, that is the plan. That is the plan. , We're doing academic research behind it. And look, this program is proven. It came from New Zealand. They've been doing it for a long time. And so, , we have really high hopes for it here in the us and the plan is to, , expand it to different areas and we're getting a lot of good feedback.

[00:43:19] , I was really afraid at one point that. The program wasn't gonna be full. Like who's gonna come and admit that they are abusive. Within days of us opening the [00:43:30] doors, the beds were full. So people want help. They are asking for help, and yeah, we hope to see this program really grow.

[00:43:39] Tiffanie: Oh, that is amazing that people

[00:43:42] Sophora Acheson: Yeah,

[00:43:43] Tiffanie: identify, because most people will be like, there ain't nothing wrong with me. Like

[00:43:47] Sophora Acheson: yeah, yeah. Yep. It's them, not me.

[00:43:51] Tiffanie: Right, exactly. But I mean, those type of people. Aren't willing to get the help. So at least these are the people who are open to it. They know there's an issue there, and they don't wanna be that way anymore. Oh, I

[00:44:05] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:44:05] Tiffanie: every person that is in that building because that

[00:44:08] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:44:10] Tiffanie: like courage to do.

[00:44:14] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty amazing to watch this program grow and unfold and develop, and I'm really excited to see where it goes in the next couple years.

[00:44:26] Tiffanie: Yeah, me too. I'm gonna have to keep a watchful eye on it because

[00:44:30] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:44:31] Tiffanie: that idea so much. We do. We've got to like start reverse engineering people.

[00:44:37] Sophora Acheson: Yes, , exactly. We need to tackle both ends of the spectrum, , and that's, that's what I'm really hoping to, start to shift the field to is, , making sure that we are, we are really a whole family services model.

[00:44:52] Tiffanie: Absolutely. Oh God, I love that so much.

[00:44:57] Sophora Acheson: Thank you.

[00:44:57] Tiffanie: And I love that you also help [00:45:00] traffickers. Like do you get a lot of people who've been trafficked who are looking to get out?

[00:45:06] Sophora Acheson: Oh, a hundred percent. , We, at Restorative Pathways, we specialize in two different, ,, areas of interpersonal violence and that's domestic violence and human trafficking. And often they can be, , intertwined together. , And some of our bigger shelters are for those who have been trafficked.

[00:45:22] Unfortunately, it's pretty prevalent in the United States, and particularly in California, , Oakland, where, , several of our shelters are based, unfortunately is a hub for child trafficking. And so we've really made it a point to open quite a few children's shelters in the area to really start to. Make an impact on that and , that program, , will continue to grow until we figure out some solutions around this trafficking issue.

[00:45:52] Tiffanie: Absolutely. , Actually, did you see the sound of freedom?

[00:45:55] Sophora Acheson: Yes. Yeah.

[00:45:57] Tiffanie: I just had Paul Hutchinson on the show

[00:46:00] Sophora Acheson: Okay.

[00:46:01] Tiffanie: he's doing amazing things. Well, I mean, he was on over 70 missions to help recover these children, and

[00:46:09] Sophora Acheson: Yeah.

[00:46:10] Tiffanie: if we just have more people like you and him and all working to it, the problem is we need to stop the buyers.

[00:46:19] Sophora Acheson: Yes.

[00:46:20] Tiffanie: no

[00:46:21] Sophora Acheson: Yep,

[00:46:22] Tiffanie: there's

[00:46:22] Sophora Acheson: , I mean, you hit the nail on the head and I think there's a lot of work to be done in terms of education [00:46:30] and frankly, consequences and the impact that buyers are having, because I think there's a lot of misconception that, you know, oh, well, I'm not really hurting anybody because they're willingly doing this, or they don't look like they're hurt or, you know, whatever it may be.

[00:46:47] And so, yeah, I mean, needless to say, , the world of like human trafficking is, , 20 years behind , the progress that we've made in domestic violence. And so. We are gonna keep working on it, but there's, there's a lot of work to do for sure.

[00:47:01] Tiffanie: Right. It just always blew my mind. Like, I don't, you know what, I don't wanna get it. 'cause I'm like, I don't understand why someone is attracted

[00:47:10] Sophora Acheson: No,

[00:47:11] Tiffanie: child, but I'm like, do you,

[00:47:12] Sophora Acheson: yeah.

[00:47:13] Tiffanie: you really wanna get? Like, no.

[00:47:15] Sophora Acheson: No, you don't. You don't, I do have to shut off, especially with kid like me having children now, like, , I feel bad for my kids 'cause I'm like, you're not doing anything ever. Like that's just, , the way it goes, but you don't want to understand that kind of like.

[00:47:32] Evilness that humanity can do to each other. , It's just, I don't think it's anything that we want to, like truly try to wrap our minds around. Yeah, we need to figure out solutions, but it'll break your brain trying to, trying to understand that.

[00:47:47] Tiffanie: Right, and unfortunately a lot of the predators. Were also victims themselves, and they didn't get the help that they needed. So

[00:47:55] Sophora Acheson: Yep.

[00:47:56] Tiffanie: vicious cycle of people hurting each [00:48:00] other and we ought to nip that in the ass. And you guys are on the right way of doing that by saying, Hey, you got a problem.

[00:48:08] Admit it. Walk through our door. We got you. So, I love that so much. I'm gonna make sure I put all the links in the show notes. And

[00:48:16] Sophora Acheson: please

[00:48:17] Tiffanie: to have you on my website?

[00:48:19] Sophora Acheson: absolutely would love that.

[00:48:21] Tiffanie: Okay, because this is important shit, and I want anyone who's listening, if you do have a problem, don't you have more courage admitting that you have a problem, and go get the help than sitting there and

[00:48:34] Sophora Acheson: Yes.

[00:48:35] Tiffanie: don't, and hurting yourself and other people. So nobody's judging you. They're judging you for

[00:48:41] Sophora Acheson: no.

[00:48:41] Tiffanie: help, not for getting help.

[00:48:43] Sophora Acheson: Yeah. , One of the things that I think needs to be made clear is this, this is not a punitive, like let's shame you for everything. Like, let's get to the root issue. Like, let's figure out what that is so that you can also live a healthy and peaceful life too. Majority of people don't wanna hurt the people that they love.

[00:49:02] , They're stuck in their own fucked up cycle. So, yeah, we're here. Let's talk about it.

[00:49:08] Tiffanie: Absolutely. there anything else that you wanted to add?

[00:49:14] Sophora Acheson: I don't think so. I think you covered it all. You know anybody needs help no matter what side you're on, please go to our website, restorative pathways.org. , I do individual coaching for people. Our agency has all of the collective resources, so we're here.[00:49:30] 

[00:49:30] Tiffanie: Awesome. Love this so much so far and I wanna thank you so much for being here. This was like golden nuggets.

[00:49:38] Sophora Acheson: Thank you for having me.

[00:49:39] Tiffanie: Of course. It was a pleasure

[00:49:42] Speaker: If this story moved, you share with someone who needs to hear it. Don't forget to follow, rate and review. It helps more survivors find our community. Do you wanna be part of the conversation and share your story? Visit true crime connections.com. Until next time, be safe, be seen, and never forget. Your story has power.