Why Survivors Go Back—And How They Finally Break Free

Survivor Rebuilding Begins

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Leaving an abusive relationship isn't always the hardest part. Sometimes rebuilding yourself afterwards is here is what every survivor should know. Hi everybody, welcome, welcome back. My name is Tiffany, and I'm your host of True Crime Connections. And today we are with a guest. Her name is also Tiffany. Tiffany Newton. She is the founder of New Tide Consulting LLC and the president and co-founder of Ignite Her Inc. And I think one of the main questions is why do so many survivors go back to abusive relationships? And today's guest, she lived it, and she's sharing how to spot the red flags, break trauma bonds, and how to rebuild your life. Important shit.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Yeah. So Tiffany, welcome. Thank you. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. I'm excited to share all this information and collaborate on this with you. I think this is such an important topic because not enough women are talking about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Right. Absolutely. That's what got me going because I got stuck in this cycle. And I had no idea it was even a cycle. So it's so important to educate yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Yeah, absolutely. So

Spotting Abuse Early

SPEAKER_00 1:35

that I think is the first thing, right? Awareness of even realizing that you're in something. Because more often than not, and especially a lot of the women that I talk to on a regular basis, you don't realize that you're in it. Because it's, oh, that's just compromising. This is just troubles in the relationship. Oh, he just cares for me so much. We excuse the behavior, even if we have the weird sinking feeling, because we like the person. They seem normal. They're giving you the mask. You just push off to the side things that normally, if they were completely buttly or they punched you in the face, you wouldn't stay there. But because they're potentially slightly attractive or ugly with an amazing personality and charisma, you ignore certain things. And I think that is probably the first like hurdle to get over, right? And then if someone points out and says, No, you're in an abusive relationship, because that happened to me four months in. Someone's like, You were in an abusive situation. So I told my abuser. And I'm like, there's no way. No, he's just looking out for me. Like, I'm making the excuses. I mean, I look like a total dumbass, not even being able to recognize it because I had never experienced it before. My parents were not in an abusive situation. I never grew up around that. Or it was never something that I was made aware of growing up. So if there were signs, people kept it behind closed doors, like my generation did, or my parents' generation did. It was kept behind closed doors. So how do you even need to learn about it? How are you made aware of it if it's not brought up when you're in middle school and starting to date or in high school and starting to date? You don't know what to be aware of. So you get sucked in.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

See, and mine's kind of opposite because I grew up kind of with the behavior. And to me, that was normal. So I didn't catch it because I'm like, well, I mean, it's normal to be told like you're fat and you need to go on a diet and that you know you shouldn't wear this, you shouldn't wear that. So to me, that was that was the norm that that was our generational trauma. So it can totally go both ways. And it's just so important. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Absolutely. And in one of Halsey's songs, if you're familiar with Halsey, my God, that's my girl crush. Well, love her. She talks about uh the butterflies not being butterflies. They are actually alerting you to, I think it's the song Graveyard, that she talks about those butterflies are not excitement, it's anxiety, and your body's trying to tell you something. And I think that's so important because there is excitement and anxiety. And you have to understand what your body's trying to tell you in those situations because it will tell you. And if you don't listen, it's gonna tell you again and again and again. And if you don't pay attention, you might end up in the hospital, not from being from physically from physical abuse, but from internalizing the abuse and not getting out of the situation. People have got per been paralyzed, lost their vision. Your body will manifest the danger and try to get you out of it some way, shape, or form.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

110%. Absolutely. And all the cortisol that your body is making because of the stress causes havoc on your body, complete havoc. I got an autoimmune disease from it. So it comes in so many different forms. Yeah. So I'm guessing when you told your abuser

Isolation And Control Tactics

SPEAKER_01 5:34

this, that friend was no longer allowed to contact you.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

It was already, so I'll kind of tell you the story because it's very interesting. And I feel like I need to reach out to this other lady because of this. And I haven't done it yet. But I was in bodybuilding for a couple years, and then I got into powerlifting because I wanted to challenge myself a little bit more. And on the team that I was on, because it's it's fun when you join a team because then you have people to check in on your progress, and if they're local, they show up at the same gym and like whatever. So this kid, and I'm gonna call him a kid, he's he's not a kid, but he's old enough to be my son. I mean, that's the age difference, right? So this kid was on the team, and we would see each other at the gym, and the bodybuilding team, we had selfie Saturday, right? So we everyone would check in to hold each other accountable. Did you get your workout in? Did you, you know, whatever. So we did a selfie Saturday. We're both standing at the mirror, kind of doing a glute shot, right? Something stupid. We're fully clothed, we're not we're not touching, like nothing. Because he's old enough to be my son, right? Or he's young enough to be my son. And that picture was not on my Facebook page, it was on his for Selfie Saturday. But I was tagged in it, and my abuser, we'll just call him D, he saw the picture and did not like how that impacted him. It's embarrassing. If my coworkers were to see this, this is embarrassing that you were in a picture with like this with someone other than me, like embarrassing. So it became asking to take the picture down. And when Jay said, I'm not taking the picture down, it's my picture. I was told that I need to contact an attorney to get the picture down. So I contacted an attorney. I had to pay a thousand dollars, but D wrote all the stuff to the attorney on what kind of person he is and how dare he do this to his to me and blah, blah, blah. Like all the like totally degrading him, which I'm not that way, but he sent it to the attorney in my name. And yeah, so we got the picture taken down. I have since apologized to Jay because it wasn't me, it was him. And I told him, I said, I should have seen the signs when you said that, but I have ne I didn't see it then. Like I was not aware of what was happening. And yeah, the the attorney just did what I said. That's insane. That is so extra. Yeah, like oh, that was just one of a bazillion stories of extra. It's like tag me or something, you know what I mean? Like things that I found out. So isolation escalated at that point. So if you go into my Facebook history, he went through because I I met a lot of people bodybuilding, a lot of people powerlifting, people from all over the world, right? And we become friends because then you're chatting back and forth and you're commenting and supporting great work on the weights and you know, all that kind of stuff. He went through and unfriended, probably about 2,000 people on my Facebook page alone. He changed my name and Instagram to I am selfish one from yes, yes, and then he sent scathing, uncalled for messages to my bodybuilding coaches. You're a piece of shit. I can't believe who you are, I don't want to be associated with you. He logged into my Facebook and sent these messages, so they thought I was sending them.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Oh, I am so sorry. How do you even clean up after something like that?

SPEAKER_00 9:49

You swallow your pride, you make some phone calls or send messages, and you just apologize, and then the ball's in their court whether they accept it or not.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Great, that is insane. I am so sorry that that happened to you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

Girl, I got stories for days. What do you want to hear? That's why I wrote a book. Oh, I love it. Behind the smile. Yep. Yeah. People at work didn't know I was dealing with abuse because I didn't talk about it when I was there, even though I was getting scathing text messages at work and I would go into the bathroom and cry. Like, you don't know what people are going through because I mean, I'm one of many people that don't had did not report it to the police. I didn't call a shelter, I didn't ask for external help. I tried to fix it all on my own. And I know there are more than I care to even think of. More women like that than like me, like what I did, versus the people asking for help. Right. I mean, the reported numbers are one and three, one and four, it yep, it varies back and forth, but that's reported numbers. That's not, I didn't report. My situation is not in those numbers. Right. Was he physical

Escalation Cheating And Gaslighting

SPEAKER_00 11:22

at one point? Yes. Okay. Constant rape, anal, vaginally, orally, yeah. Cornering me, threatening me, taking my dog. Like when I snatched her back, he was like, see, if you cared as much about me as you do your damn dog, we wouldn't be in this situation. Always goes back to you. Always. And and that was my fifth time leaving, and that was when I finally left.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Well, good. I did the whole seven. Yeah. We the whole fucking seven.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

How long were you with him for? Under two years. And if if the fifth time of me leaving didn't go down like it went down, I probably would have gone back. But he pushed me up against the wall and spit in my face and like told me, you should be begging me to come back here. So he did a couple things that was like the last draw, the line in the sand. And that's one of the things when I talk to women, I share that only because if you don't draw the, and this is part of a safety plan. I I built a safety plan to help women really document and discover some of these things. That if you don't write down what the line in the sand is, you will always push that boundary. You have to be concrete, draw it in sand, fire it up so it stays there. And then as soon as they do that, you're out. Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

I've even said keep it journal because sometimes we there's so much that happens that we forget some of the things. Like you said, you know, after seven years, you finally remembered something that you totally have forgotten about. Yeah. That way, one day, if you're sitting there and you're by yourself, you can go back and look at all the mean things that they've done and said, and it'll also validate that you're not crazy. Because how many times did you hear that you're crazy?

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Yeah. For me, when I left this situation, I looked back at big moments. Like right after we started dating, it was Valentine's Day. And so there was love bombing. He bought me a sapphire and diamond bracelet. And then we we went for a trip to Miami. I got sun poisoning. He made fun of me, like all of this kind of stuff. So I based it on specific, bigger things that I could remember. And then this I built the story around it because I was like, oh yeah, then this happened, then this happened. And then we went to Panama City, Panama, and this happened. And I took him to his dentist appointment. He was under anesthesia, but I got blamed the night before for coming to Charlotte so I could find and sleep with somebody on my Facebook page. Like there, I mean, it I filled in the blanks. So even if you don't feel safe enough to write a journal, put it in your Google Calendar or your Apple iPhone calendar or your Samsung calendar, whatever calendar you use, and put the important things that you know that you can attach that memory to. Because then if they're hunting, they see you're documenting your love and life together. So it's not dangerous. But if they find a journal and you're documenting destructive behavior, that's that's gone. He constantly went through my things, both in my phone. He sent me to work without my phone numerous times. And he went through my things in the storage unit and planted things and blamed me for having them. Like it was unbelievable. Like I literally, that when he went to the he went to the storage unit that I had after moving out of my condo and fully in with him, he planted a guy's picture who I had never seen before. And printed out some type of like meal plan or workout plan that was from this guy and planted that in something else. And then was like, why do you have a picture of this guy? And I'm like, I don't know who that is. And he's like, Why do you have to lie to me? This is this kind of stuff I'm tired of. Why are you lying to me? And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. He goes, go through your other things and I want to see if you have anything of his. He already knew there was because he planted it.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Wow, that's next level shit.

SPEAKER_00 15:58

He would send me text messages from fake numbers saying, Oh, I heard you're single. I let's grab drinks. I can't wait to work with you. And if I deleted it, he did this several times. If I deleted it before I got home, he would start problems. If I waited to show him when I got home, because that was the rule, is if I got something, I had to wait till I got home to discuss with him and delete it together. If I did that, it became a blame game of who is this person? Why are you sleeping around with someone at work? Why do they feel they can text you? Are you telling people you're single? How dare you do that?

SPEAKER_01 16:37

It's just exhausting, absolutely exhausting. And I tell a lot of times, like my listeners, say you miss a phone call. And then if you took your phone and you have like 75 text messages, that is abuse. Because it's where are you? Why aren't you answering? You're a slut, you're who I knew it. I'm gonna go sleep with one of your friends. I mean, it's just bing, bing, bing, bing. You don't even have a minute to catch a breath. It's yeah, that's abuse. Yeah. Did he was he cheating on you?

SPEAKER_00 17:13

Yes, with both sexes.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Special.

SPEAKER_00 17:20

In fact, we were sitting out of the beach one day because he his condo is on Sankey. We were sitting on the beach one day, and I saw a thanks for a great day with a pink heart. And I was like, who's that from? And he's like, I have no idea. I'm like, there was a name on there. He's like, oh, I don't know. They must have sent it to the wrong person. And I'm thinking, what? That's weird. So I filed that in the back of my head. And one of the biggest break, well, two, there's two big breakthroughs that I still didn't believe because I'm like, there's no way. There's no way. On my birthday, he organized a dinner with my parents and his mom and the two of us at a nice steakhouse. And on the way home, I got yelled at that I didn't ask him to take our picture, that he had to take the initiative and take our picture. So he made me feel like I was the worst girlfriend ever. So I got home. I felt ugly at this point, right? As we do when we're getting, you know, degraded. So I changed into like something baggy and whatever. And he's like, see, I have no desire to fuck you. Look at how you're dressed. Why can't you stay in a dress? You don't ever do what I ask you to do. Now go get back in that dress and you're gonna give me a blowjob on my birthday. What's even worse is the middle of the night. No, the next night. I'm like, you know, because of course you wake up in the morning, hi lovely, how are you? You know, hi dear. He always said, Hi, dear, good morning, dear. The next night, I'm pretty sure it was the next night. I had screenshots of it all, so I have dates. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and I see his phone is like on the other side of the bed, like on the desk by the window, and I see it lighting up, like alerts, right? And I look over there and it's Ashley Madison, Ashley Madison, Ashley Madison, Ashley Madison, Ashley Madison. He signed up for Ashley Madison on my birthday. So I got screenshots. It's for people. Yeah, well, that that was just I think that was part of the beginning. So that was in September, and then in I think it was February. So January was our one-year anniversary. So he sent me while he was in Utah for work, he sent me to a spa to get like a half day spa treatment, right? Nice, whatever. But then I didn't post fast enough on social media how thankful I am to have him in my life. And he sent me on this wonderful thing. I sent him a text with a thank you, but I didn't post it on social media, so I got yelled at. So that the main reason I bring that up is because the next part of the story. We go to Charlotte for his dental or because he has to be put under anesthesia for whatever get a cleaning or he'll punch the dentist. We go to Charlotte, we get in the room, and he starts accusing me of going there with him so I can meet up with someone on my Facebook page. I have no idea who he's talking about. None whatsoever. But he doesn't stop. So I have to go sleep in the bathroom on the floor, and because that's the only way to get him to stop. And he comes in, he pisses over my head and then shakes his dick. So it sprinkles me with piss because I'm laying on the floor. So the next day, when we take him to the dentist to get his work done and he's under anesthesia, I have his phone as the hot spot for my because I was working from home, but in another state. And I go into his email and I type in the word sex and I type in the word fuck. And that's when a Craigslist ad pops up. He's big cock daddy searching for whatever. It's ads he put out. And then the other one was or other several messages were him soliciting a male prostitute in Utah. And it was, you've had me before. Do you remember? Send me dick pics before you get here. I'll be ass up. Eat me till you're ready. Like, I've got the text, I've got the emails. And I have the guy's picture. Because I hired a private investigator to find out who the person was. He's a porn actor in Utah. But it was, oh no, that wasn't me. I'm like, who has your email? Who has access to your email? And he's like, nobody. I'm like, it was you. He's like, no, it wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Yeah. That's what I asked. They're like notorious for that. And that's why they constantly blame you because they are the one who's doing it.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Well, here's my, especially since I have started my nonprofit, I in quite a few of the narcissistic groups because of he, I don't think he's diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, but he has the tendencies. I'll just put it that way. But one of the big things that they talk about is if a guy is going through multiple women, it's not men that, or it's not women that can satisfy them. Oh. So it's their mask, and that's why they're going through all the women. And they get angry and mean and abusive because women don't satisfy them.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

And they don't want to admit that they want to play for the other team.

SPEAKER_00 23:37

I don't care. If you're gay, you're gay. Right. If you want your ass eaten out, or you're taking it, fine. I don't care. Like, but stay away from me. Do your own thing. Don't disrupt my life and be abusive to me because you can't be honest with yourself. No one gives a shit. We're in 2026. That time it was 2018. No one cares. Right. Right. He bought his boss a t-shirt that said $20 is $20, meaning homophobic. Or not homophobic, homosexual stuff. Right. He bought his boss that shirt as funny.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

I'm like, I would never buy a boss. I would never buy a friend that shirt. I would laugh at it with them. Right. But I'm not spending $25 on a shirt that says something like that. No one wants that.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

Unless the boss gave them $20.

SPEAKER_00 24:49

Right? For real. Yeah. I mean, I got blamed. Left. We were in Genoa, Italy. He was there for a meeting, and I got to come along. And we were sitting in the bar after dinner. And he's like, why are you flirting with my co-workers? I barely said two words to his co-workers because I was afraid of if I were to say anything to his co-workers.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

Yeah. And nobody deserves to live that way. You should be able to communicate with people. I've heard other people say, like, I wasn't even allowed to look at the other sex, or it was problems. And the people, that is red flag, big red flag. I just don't understand. And you you're right. We do make excuses. So many excuses. But the excuses, they have to stop. They have to.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

One of the the big one that I remembered early on that I just remembered back from USF. I was driving on USF for humanity showcase. That this is probably a couple months ago now. And as I pull on campus and I'm like, oh my God, I think I was in this area because I went there for a I was having like GI tract issues. And so they wanted me to do this x-ray thing where I had to swallow a pill and get like x-rays the one hour after swallowing it, then day three, day five, day seven. And I was up there, I think for day three or five, I don't remember. And I'm at one of the campus doctor buildings, right? And I get a call from him, Tiffany, there's an emergency. You have to get back here. I'm like, I'm an hour away from you. I'm at a doctor's appointment that I have to do this for because it's a part of a test to see what's going on with like my whole digestion system, right? And he's like, I don't care. What why do you get back here? I'm having an emergency with Frito, his dog. I'm having an emergency with Frito. And I'm like, what's the emergency? Like, I'm not a vet. Like, I can't help you in an emergency. Get back here. What what is this not important to you? What is going on? Like, he was like freaking out with me on the phone. Like he was having an emergency. Like, fire, fire, fire, right? I get back, nothing wrong with the damn dog. That was him testing me on my empathy for his situation. Because I passed, that's when he ramped it up. And that, that first red flag is what we need to be aware of. Because they will test you. And if you if you pass the game, you are fucking done. You are in it before you can blink. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Once they realize that your words are empty and that you do make the excuses and you keep going back, it's just gonna keep escalating because they know they have you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:13

They know the game and they play it very well, unfortunately. Yeah. It it is wild. I've had situations where it is the story of, you know, I always get broken up with, and you know, it's like the woe is me. It's not like an emergency like my asshole did, but it's the trying to get your, oh my goodness, you've had such a hard life. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. No, you know what? A grown man is never gonna ask for help from a female. They're never gonna ask for help from a child. They're never gonna ask for help. They're never, they're never gonna appear helpless. And that that is a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

Yeah, God, you're naming so many that yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

I mean competence, right? Like, I need your help with this because you're so good at it. Do it yourself. Right. Do it yourself. And don't get me wrong, I'm a very giving person. I'm not at that same level of giving anymore. Like the next person I date, they're gonna have to bring their own table to my table. I'm not trying to fill in a place and I'm not trying to fill in a seat at the table. I'm not, I'm not gonna be the pick me girl. I'm not gonna be, am I good enough? I am good enough. Damn right. I do I deserve all the amazingness that God wants me to have.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

That's right. That's right. I don't, I mean, God, sometimes I really wish like I could go back and fix things, but at the same time, it made me who I am today. And for that I'm thankful. But we just gotta keep educating because these people, they they get a hold of you and they just run with it. And they will do it as long as you let them.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

Yeah, and in escaping,

Safety Plans And Exit Prep

SPEAKER_00 30:26

it escaping the situation is extremely dangerous. I'm lucky I didn't get more hurt in that. I mean, I did cut slice my hand open and he laughed and filmed me. And then I apologized and fixed the glass, paid to fix the glass, like like a dumbass. Other women that I talk to, they're so trapped financially, they're so trapped emotionally, like they are it's it's not their fault. They're so fogged over. They can see the lining of the cloud, but they can't see around it. Like, what is on the other side? How do I get there? What is the path forward? When we do have a lot of resources here, but a lot of them are tapped out. Spring of Tampa is amazing. I refer to them all the time, Casa and South St. Pete and South Southern Pinellas, Hope Villages of Northern Pinellas. I mean, that's my direct area, but I, you know, there's great organizations in Manatee and Pasco and you know, Polk and all those, all those places. But to get in there, if someone needs to get out of their house and in there, there's a waiting period. There's an application. They want to make sure you're not on drugs or alcohol that, you know, there's there's a setup for there. So how can we how can we help that in between? How can we educate them so they can set up their safety plan in secret or their loved one can help set up this safety plan? And when it's go time, you say the keyword and they're out front, you know, or around the corner at the stop sign, ready for you to hop in the car. Like those are the things that we need to talk about more.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Absolutely. Have friends, if anyone ever comes over, try to slip them some clothes that maybe they won't notice. So you have something, you're not leaving with nothing. There's so many little things that you can do, but when you're in it, it just seems like it's too big. It's just too big.

SPEAKER_00 32:35

Yeah, that's what that's one of the things I do talk about is do one thing at a time. I just help am helping this girl right now. In my situation, like I don't, I'm not an emergency situation, but if someone needs me, I'll help them. I'm more on the awareness education and on the back side. How can we help on the back side? Not the fresh emergency. But I share with what I did with my own story is I grabbed a suitcase, filled it up with clothes that I did actually love, but I told him I didn't, and that I was dropping them off at Goodwill. I still had autonomy to be able to drive to work. Some people don't have that, but every situation is different in there. So I could take that luggage and drop it off at the storage unit on the way home from work. I couldn't do it on the way to work because it would be too far out of the way to he timed me to and from work. So I detect him when I get there, got there, and then I detect him when I left to be able to make it home. So I had to play with those things a little bit. But when I started ordering from Amazon, I would send it to the Amazon boxes that you punch in a code and it pops open the door. I would pick that up and then I would drop that off at the storage unit on the way home. So it didn't take out really any time, but you have to have a plan in place. So if someone can't gather clothing, I would say, number one, open up a UPS store box because it has an address. And if if he shows up and raises a ruckus, they can call the cops. It's now third party watching what's what's happening, right? So do that, then do your bank account to that address, to the UPS store address. Run your credit report. This is a big one. Run your credit report and see what the hard inquiries show. Are they applying for credit on your stuff? Does any of that look familiar? If so, file an FTC report that there's fraud and get them. There are scripts that you can use to shut down what that those things showing up because them damaging your credit is part of the trap, right? So that's how you can help raise your credit fairly quickly if those hard inquiries are not an account that you've applied for yourself. If they're doing it fraudulently, you can get those removed.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

That is so smart. So smart. Yeah, I mean, I've talked to quite a few people who had no idea that their person opened up like three, four credit cards, got a caller in their name.

SPEAKER_00 35:19

Like, holy shit. Yeah. Well, because if you're married, a lot of times it is the husband that signs for the wife or the wife signs for the husband. I mean, that's very common, but if it's a contentious situation, you can remove consent. No, I don't allow you to sign on my behalf. I don't care if I've allowed that in the past. I didn't give approval for you running and getting a $20,000 credit card in my name or a $40,000 car in my name, and then they don't pay it and your credit is smashed.

SPEAKER_01 35:54

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_00 35:57

So checking the hard inquiries on all three credit bureaus is an absolute must to see what your situation is. Because if you can then go to a bank and get a loan to get out of the situation, you're in a much better safe, safe landing space.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Right. If you can go get an apartment or something just to get out and to get free. Yeah. Don't tell a lot of people where you're going. Maybe have one safe friend who knows.

Secret Exit Contacts

SPEAKER_01 36:30

You got to keep it to yourself because you never know who they're going to talk to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:35

And it needs to be a friend that does not have a connection to the abuser. Because if they show up at their house, it can get dangerous for them.

SPEAKER_02 36:46

Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

It needs to be someone that he or she, because I know females that are abusers too, doesn't know about. Sometimes it's a family member. It could be a male cousin on a male child. I mean, it there's all kinds of abuse, right? Like there's all kinds. But in a safety situation, you do have just make sure that that other person doesn't have connection to them.

SPEAKER_01 37:14

Or they don't know where they live, they don't know their phone number, things like that.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

They can know who they are, but well, you can find out that kind of stuff pretty easily right now. Unfortunately, with AI, you can drop a photo and ask for the location. It can pretty much tell you the general longitude and latitude, lap longitude, and latitude. If it if there's a familiar background, yes. That's scary. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 37:44

Yeah. So what do you think is like the number one step? Starting to get money, or would it be more getting

Stashing Money Safely

SPEAKER_01 37:51

your items together?

SPEAKER_00 37:54

I would say it depends on the situation. If someone is in a situation where they don't have a certain autonomy, like they don't have a car or they don't have whatever, or they borrow the husband's car, whatever that is. If you have freedom to go shop for your kids, if you have kids and you're buying them school clothes or summer clothes, charge a little bit extra, or buy some most of it on sale, and then just have the receipt where it would add up to what that would normally be at full cost, and take that additional money and stash it away. Or if you don't have the ability to do that, then maybe get a storage unit first or a UPS store address first and start slowly changing things over there or opening new accounts that you could put money in that way. It all depends on what the freedoms the person has that is trapped. One of the ladies that I'm working with right now, she her husband removed all the money from her accounts, their joint accounts, all of it's empty. And he opened up his own account. So if she needs anything like gasoline or milk for the baby or anything, it's what do you, what do you, what do I get out of this? What are you gonna do for me? She he no longer like she no longer shops for the groceries, but she'll know when things are out, when the baby's out or when the kids are out of something, it's what do what do I get out of it? What are you gonna do for me? Like he has her financially trapped.

SPEAKER_01 39:32

It's so sad.

SPEAKER_00 39:34

She has her own car, she has her own job, but she doesn't make enough to support you know, gas is if you to fill up a gas tank is $90. She's driving for work, that's twice a week. There's $180 gone right there. Right. That doesn't include groceries, that doesn't include if she gets a flat tire, that doesn't, I mean, yeah. And then if she's out of money, he's like, that's tough.

SPEAKER_01 40:07

Does she work?

SPEAKER_00 40:08

Is he taking her paychecks? She does work, but she does not make enough to do much of anything. It's on commission right now. So if the economy's weird, people you know are just hesitant about buying certain things. I think that does go into a joint and then he empties it. Yeah. And he's following her around the house screaming at her right here. Like there and in some of that stuff gives me flashbacks, triggers. Like, I'll have night terrors for several days after my discussions with her, just because you go through the same thing. I mean, anyone who's been in an abusive situation, if they haven't hit a wall next to your face, they're yelling in your face, and you can't get them to stop. And everything's your fault. Yeah. If you, if you treated me, if you followed the in my book, I have a list of 41 rules I had to follow.

Control Rules and Dehumanization

SPEAKER_00 41:14

And if I didn't do them, and in show in showing love in doing them, then he wasn't gonna have a discussion. And some so there's some of the most fucking dumb rules. Some of the them started because I was nice to him one time. I brought him coffee in bed, and that became the rule. I was to get his workout pre-workout ready, his coffee ready, his supplements ready, and bring them to him and welcome him good morning with a kiss. Every morning. Oh, and a blowjob before the gym. If I didn't do that, I had I got hell. He would let it slide like once or twice, and then it was like, who are you having sex with? Why are you getting dressed up for work more than you normally do? Who who are you having a relationship with at work? I mean, you didn't give me a blowjob this morning, so who are you giving a blowjob to at work this morning? Bitch, my mouth is tired. He didn't care. He didn't care that I had a sore neck. He didn't he did not care.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

Did not just show you exactly where they are. Like when it's just me, me, me, me, you gotta realize there's nothing left for you.

SPEAKER_00 42:43

Yeah, they no, they want he wanted a servant. He even said it in one of his emails that I have a copy of. Why can't you just be my Asian massage girl? That's what he expected. Me to do his laundry, me to cook dinner, me to get all the things ready, me just to be yes sir, no sir, idolize him above everything else.

SPEAKER_01 43:15

It's exhausting. Yeah, it's no way to live. It is absolutely no way to live.

SPEAKER_00 43:22

And the interesting part, when you escape, and this is where I think women

Healing and Reclaiming Power

SPEAKER_00 43:31

have difficulty, is when you escape, all of a sudden you hibernate because your body is in that fear feeling for so long. Some people seven years, some people two years, some people six months, whatever the time frame is, your body is on heightened alert for the next attack and you cannot relax. And when you get out of it, And you're not dealing with the attacks anymore, your body will shut down. And that's okay. And to know it's okay, that something that you did before, or the activity, or the energy that you had before, you need to allow your body to heal. And it's not just therapy that allows that. Like you literally have to reset your body. Go sit or lay in some grass, put your feet in the grass. If you ground yourself by the beach in the sand, go to the beach and stick your feet in the sand. Like whatever recharges you, do that because it's not gonna be just therapy. It's you having to get your own energy source, your own energy field back whole again.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

Remembering what it is that you like to do before what you were told to do. And I've got impossible to remember. I mean, I've had a friend, she's like, I don't even know what I used to like to do because all I ever did was what he wanted to do. Like, I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Yeah. And that's just so sad. You don't remember that you liked music and you like to play golf.

SPEAKER_00 45:18

And yeah, and and another side of that is what if something you loved to do, you also did with him, but he ruined it for you and you don't like to do it anymore. And that is a sad situation. That's also a death, right? Because I was in bodybuilding and powerlifting, and so and I had coaches, and I was like doing shows, like having a good time, but training with him, it became well, you did what this coach said, so why don't you do what I told you to do? And and all of that nonsense. But after I left, I went to the gym and there is a there's his car in the in the gym parking lot. And it wasn't the gym closest to his house or the normal one he went to. So how did he know I went there? And then so I stopped going there. I stopped my membership there and I told them I need to stop my membership here because I my abuser comes here and I don't feel comfortable being in your facility. And then I started a new gym, which is a mile around the corner from here. Guess who shows up? No. Keep up your location. He walked, he walked right in the door, and I'm I had my hat because I always wore a baseball cap to the gym. So I had my hat down really low. I saw him, kept my head down low, and I finished up my workout and left. The next time I went to that gym, his car was there first. So I turned around and went home. And and then I then another time I showed up and he literally walked within a foot of me, but I had my head low head low and I didn't look up to recognize him. But yeah, so something that I have been doing, like when I was in my bodybuilding days, I was spending four and five hours a day in the gym, seven days a week. I absolutely loved it. Even powerlifting. I got a high off of powerlifting. I felt like Wonder Woman. I could accomplish anything. And he ruined that for me. I will get back there. I am currently going for my instructor certification in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu because no one will ever sexually assault me again. I will break their arm, I will break their leg. I will not deal with that again. And the women empowered program is that it's based off of the top 20 assaults on women and how to neutralize those. Nice.

SPEAKER_01 47:52

My son takes that. I have the hardest time saying that.

SPEAKER_00 47:57

Yeah. Yeah. I just I will I will not ever deal with that again.

SPEAKER_01 48:04

You shouldn't. You there's no need to. And that's sometimes I gotta like tell people you realize like he's not the only man or he's that's she's not the only woman in the world. Like, there are many other people out there that will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated, but they're not gonna find you if you're still sticking with this asshole or bitch. Yeah, you gotta get away. Yeah, love yourself again because that takes time.

SPEAKER_00 48:30

Yeah. And it's funny because there's a trend going on social media right now where guys are responding to women speaking out, right? So I celebrate when women speak out, I give them a high five. Like, I'm like, congratulations, you're doing women's work, you know, speaking out. So this can we can put this to a stop and and make more women aware of it. And of course, there's always one guy in the comments, not all men, right? And so the trend that's going on right now is not all men. And it's a woman saying, I'm gonna make you chocolate chip cookies. Here's a dozen cookies, but one of the cookies instead of chocolate chips has little nuggets of shit. And they're like, Well, I don't want to eat any of them then. She's like, Exactly, it's not all cookies. I love that. Right. So the analogy of right, so you have one of your guy friends that's causing problems and abusing women, busting up their wife or whatever, why aren't you saying something and stopping the nonsense? Disown them for doing that type of behavior, and then they will be held accountable. They'll stop their, well, at least they won't tell those guys what they're doing. They'll hide even maybe hide it better. But if they see sketchy behavior and hold them accountable, then it gets better. But because bros are supporting bros, even though they're punching women in the face and raping them and going on to the online grape academy to learn how to drug their wives to violently rape them on film and upload it, it's everywhere. So why aren't men being held accountable by their friends and their families and their neighbors? That is when it stops.

unknown 50:27

Right.

SPEAKER_01 50:28

When nobody knows, they're like it's like a secret life.

SPEAKER_00 50:32

Somebody knows. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:36

You can hide it forever.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

Somebody lets it slip because there will be a time, as an example, there will be a time where you're sitting next to your buddy and up pops their grinder app on their phone. You know, if they have a wife and they have a grinder account, you know they're stepping out with someone of the opposite sex or the same sex. You know, you think it goes both? I don't think so. I think grinder is oh, I think grinders men on men and women on women. It's not opposite sex, but yeah. So they let it slip. You may see an alert come up while their phone is sitting at the table. Like you'll see it, you may ignore it because you don't want to know, rather than saying, what the hell is that? What are you hiding? Right? Be an honest, forthcoming human being, be a man about it. Don't be a boy.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

I love that. Be a man, not a boy.

SPEAKER_00 51:42

Yeah, because although my abuser was 6'2, 100, 250 pounds, he was a fucking pussy. Now that I look back, he is a pathetic human being. I don't care what he does for work because what he does is substantial as far as uh economically, but somehow he needed my retirement to drain me of my retirement so I couldn't stand on my own two feet. He shamed me for having a retirement, he shamed me for having savings. What he made $250,000 a year. In fact, he sent me a copy of what he made unintentionally and then blamed me for going into his email and sending it to myself. I'm like, I did not do that. He's like, how dare that he's like, this is why we have problems, is because you go in and do it. So I'm like reliving mine.

SPEAKER_01 52:48

Oh yeah, yeah, it's wild. This is why this is why I can't. Yeah, this is why right.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

Yeah, yeah. In fact, I he told me I could friend, I was like, I need to get in touch with a friend of mine. I had just picked him up from the airport, which part of his demand was I had to meet him at the gate with a smile. Didn't matter if we were in a fight or not. I had to meet him at the gate, pick him up, walk to the car, whatever. And if he drove, I had to Uber to the airport to meet him and then get in his car to drive. As we're leaving, he he had told me previously that I was like, I need to get in touch with this friend. I have some questions for her. And he's like, okay, that's fine. And I had always had to ask his permission. And so I friended her back on Facebook. So we get to dinner and he's like, What is this shit? Why are you friends with her again? I told you she is not good for our relationship. And I was like, You told me that I could be get back in contact with her because I had stuff to discuss. He's like, I don't know why you're dealing, I don't know why I'm dealing with this shit again. You're online bullshit. I'm tired of dealing with this. And he got up and left the restaurant. Well, I drove. So I got up and left the restaurant too. And from I'm trying to think the restaurant in it was in Tampa. It's over by the stadium. Spanish. I'll think of it. Anyway, it doesn't matter. As we're leaving there and driving home, we're getting right around International Plaza and he's screaming at the top of his lungs at me. And I can't drive. I'm the person that if I'm feeling lost, I turn down the volume of the radio because I had to concentrate. I do that. So him screaming at me at full blast and me trying to drive, I couldn't do it anymore. It's like my eyes were glazing over because my ears were taking in so much. So I pull off the side of the road and I'm like, please stop screaming at me or get out of the car. So he gets out of the car, he takes my purse that has my wallet, my keys, everything in it, because I have a push button, start, and he walks back that way. So I'm like, get back in the car, get back in the car. And he was like, fuck you, you know, just yelling expletives, and he's on his phone and he drops my purse in the middle of the road, busy road, and in front of International Plaza. So I get back to the condo, he gets back to the condo, and he sees my keys and takes my key off, my key to the condo off. And he proceeds to kick me out of the condo. So I have like five minutes to grab what I can and grab my dog. And at this point, because of the because of the situation in Charlotte that I found out about him having sex with the man, I bought a recording device that looked like a USB drive. You can find them on Amazon. And I turned it on when I left the house. So I go to a nearby hotel and thankfully I knew they allowed dogs. And he text messages me and he's like, are you gonna stop with your bullshit and just come back over here and give me the sex I deserve? And I'm like, no, I haven't eaten since breakfast because we didn't get to eat dinner. He walked out of the restaurant and I am just gonna, I'm just gonna go to bed. I've been crying. I'm I can't talk anymore tonight. I'm done. And he's like, well, I haven't eaten either. I'm like, no, but you have all these meals already prepared in the fridge that I made for you. So you can eat quite well. He's like, I'm gonna take some medication and go to bed. Well, the next day, when I go back over there, I grab the USB drive and I take it to work the following day because I didn't want to listen to it while I was in the house. I go to work the next day. As soon as I was gone, he had another girl come over. And she basically performed acts on him for like an hour. And she's like, What about your girlfriend? He's like, I can fuck you both. He doesn't have to know about you. And when when I call you, you come over and I'll pay your bills. So I have all of that proof, all of it. And he threw me to the floor, ripped my phone out of my hand, and bent my phone in half. You know that's assault and battery. I didn't know that at the time. I should have called the cops then, but I didn't. And that was in May, and things only got worse from there. That was the first time I left, or he kicked me out, and things only got worse from there. Each time I went back, it got worse.

SPEAKER_01 57:52

I don't know if I could have gone back after hearing you actually brought a bitch over.

SPEAKER_00 57:58

We weren't technically together. You know how they spin it. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. Been there. I broke up with you. I broke up with you. I kicked you out. I'm free to do whatever I want to do.

SPEAKER_01 58:10

Yeah, been that.

SPEAKER_00 58:14

Then he put then he put a nanny cam in the bedroom so he could spy on me while he was out of town. And one day he was ripping on me so hard that I was just crying. And he's like, Why the fuck are you crying? And I'm like, How do you know I'm crying? Because he had a camera on me. I discovered it and put it face down one time, and he said he never had it hooked up, but he did. So when he got home and saw the camera down, the box fell in the box fell into my hands out of the closet. He snuckly put it there before he left town, but it wasn't hooked up. Well, it was I put it face down and I got I got really cornered and screamed at because I was touching his things. Yeah. When we moved into the new condo, he put even more cameras in. One in the bed, one up in the corner in the bedroom. And that one had a light you can't turn off when someone's viewing. So I could tell when he was looking at me. He would literally sit there and watch me for hours.

SPEAKER_01 59:34

It's so creepy.

SPEAKER_00 59:36

And one night the the Wi-Fi went off and I got a call at like 2 30 in the morning. What the fuck is going on with the internet? Who do you have over there? I'm like, I'm asleep. He's like, I don't believe you. Fix the fucking internet, or I'm calling the cops to remove you from the condo. I'm not dealing with this cheating bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 59:59

Because you're cheating.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:01

I just can't.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:03

Can't.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:04

I'm so glad you got the fuck out of there.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:07

Yeah. Oh yeah. So why are you using LinkedIn as a dating site? I'm like, I'm not. From five years before this guy asked me out on a date. And I said, no, I know the girl you're dating. I'm not going out with you. But he did. He would meet people on match and then message that, find them on LinkedIn and message them on LinkedIn. I did find that out. Yeah.

unknown 1:00:35

God.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:36

In fact, he lied to me and said his mom had a heat stroke to get me to come over to help his mom. And then she wasn't there. And then he was like, You should be down on your knees begging to suck me off, begging to come back to me. I'm like, I'm no, I'm out of here. Is he dating anyone? Do you know? I feel so bad if he is. He still has two of our pictures up as profile pictures. So good luck to anyone he's dating, because this is where I get satisfaction. If they see my picture on his profile and they're like, who's this girl? And they do a search and find out my name. I wrote a book. I started a nonprofit. I have his initials in here, DBS. They can figure that out. Right. And I talk, I've been on the news, I do podcasts, I talk about all of it. Detailed stories, and I have receipts. I have all the proof of everything I say. I have all the all the proof. In the book, I put the 41 rules that he wanted me to follow. I I even put the language. You will follow these, and only when you do these and with love will I be open to any conversation. And in there some of them are ridiculous. Like if you say I always need a good morning and good night with a with the right tone, and I'm paraphrasing with the right tone. And if you don't hear me answer, say it again because I didn't hear you. You will not compliment other men. That was an interesting one. So we went to, he liked to go to Calvary Christian on McMullen booth, which it's a great church. And I would go with him. And there was this that they have regular singers there that I don't know if they're the same because I haven't gone back there since because I don't want to run into him. But they had this African-American man that came on at Christmas, and he was there a little bit before. He had this real deep voice, like sultry, like just an amazing singer. Well, his mom loved that singer. And so I was like, oh my goodness, your favorite singer is coming up. He's so good. Girl, I ruined Christmas for him. I never heard the end of it. He would not go back to church with me. I was not allowed. Like, no, you have ruined my experience at church. How dare you compliment another man?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:17

He doesn't even have an ounce of Jesus in him. What the fuck's he doing?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:24

He is not a Christian, like man. I agree with you.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:30

Oh my god. Yeah. Absolutely insane.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:35

I'm so glad you got out. And I hope when I did open up my UPS store, and that's why I tell people to do that, is he showed up there. Oh shit. But I had already given them the rundown. I'm like, I did a change of address on certain things. So when the when the USPS does a change of address, they do your old address and your new address. So he showed up at the UPS store. And the one thing I asked for him back, he held on to that.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:09

I finally got it back.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:10

I finally got it back. But just absolutely ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:16

Yeah, they hold on to it because they know that that's what you want. So how long can I string you along until I actually give it to you if I ever give it back to you? Yeah. And I had one of them.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:37

Well, one of the boxes that had, I had like an anniversary edition Scrabble that had like the, it was on a lazy Susan. It had like the nice bars in there so the tiles locked in place when you spun it around. I had like an Onyx edition Jenga, because who doesn't love Jenga? And I had like an old college sweatshirt that I designed. There was a reason I kept it because I designed the artwork on the back. And all those things gone. He gave them all away. I thought they were waiting there for me in storage. But he just had to be an asshole. He broke things of mine. And when I came back, he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm like, my ring holder was smashed on the floor. He's like, you must have done that as you were leaving. I'm like, I've been gone all day. I took my ring off of it and it was in the bathroom when I left. Because it was like this little, I have three doxins. It was this at that time I only had one doxin. It was this dochined long white ceramic. Piece, but it had a long tail, so you'd slide your rings over the top. And I found that smashed on the floor.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:08

He's an angry, angry man at the world, and he'll take it on whoever he can get close to. Yeah. And I just hope he lives a very sad and alone life because that's what he deserves. You don't deserve to have anyone in your corner. I hope his dick falls off.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:29

Then he can't rape anyone ever again. Right. Yeah. Was there anything

Coercion Is Not Consent

SPEAKER_00 1:06:36

else you wanted to add for the listeners? I will say one of the biggest things is coercion is not consent. If you say no, stand your ground. If they continue to push you, they're dangerous. Leave. Because them talking you into having sex and wearing you down to have sex, that is not consent. That's manipulation. And coercion is starting to gain traction in the legal field right now, which I think is great. Because no one should talk you into anything. If you don't go into it willingly, then it is rape.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:19

Absolutely. It's okay to say no. You don't have to do whatever tells you to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:25

And just because you did it once doesn't mean your body's open for that.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:29

If you wake up in the middle of the night and he is inside of you, that's rape. If you have not given consent, that is rape. You are not an orifice for him to stick his dick into whenever he feels like it. You are not a sex doll.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:47

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:48

I think women, especially like in this situation when I met him, I was kind of on a low of I really just wanted a companion. And he seemed like we had a lot of the same interests, but I didn't realize that was him mirroring me, and that he was just fake all the way around. Like he is not a genuine human being in any way, shape, or form. And realizing in the beginning, man, I could have saved my sanity because I literally thought I was going crazy. I thought I needed to self-harm myself to feel that what I could see with my eyes was actually pain that I was feeling. Like I needed some type of connector. I never self-harmed myself, but I told him that I feel like I was going crazy, that I think I needed, I needed to self-harm myself. And I was like, I need to see a therapist. And he's like, no, that's a waste of money. They're only going to tell you to please me and you'll be fine. Like, yeah. So be extra. Don't be afraid to be extra sensory. Like feel what your body is trying to tell you when certain things are being said. And those butterflies are not excitement. I'm 51 years old and I look back and I was like, none of my butterflies were excitement. I thought they were at the time, but they weren't. My body was trying to warn me.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:30

Yeah, we could fuse them. Yeah. I'm gonna make sure I put the links to your nonprofit and everything. Anybody wants to connect?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:42

I'll even put the link to your book. It's out now. It's on Amazon. Yeah, you can go to, you can find the link through my nonprofit site under shop or support us. There's a shop link. I think all the way at the bottom in the footer of the page, there's a shop button, and you can see a mug, some t-shirts, a little journal book, the book, this exit safety plan is in there too. So there's there's a whole bunch of real good resources in there.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:10

Awesome. Yeah, I'll make sure I'm gonna put the links to those in the show notes. So if anyone is interested or needs the help, needs guidance, you can go there and get what you need.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:19

And no, you're not alone. Like there are other people that have been through this. Don't feel that you are all by yourself. You just have to find someone and reach out, and they've probably gone through it too. Like more people than we think have gone through this, and it's it's time to stop hiding it.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:36

Absolutely. Can we please break the cycles? Because this is ridiculous. Nobody deserves to live in fear and to feel like you're unworthy all the time. It's just that's not a way to live. Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it. Yes, it's been fun.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:57

All kinds of fun stories.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:01

I got so many, too.