March 29, 2026
Why You Miss Red Flags (And How to Spot Them Early)
⚠️ Trigger Warning: Emotional abuse, manipulation Why do we miss red flags… even when they’re right in front of us? In this episode, I sit down with Justin Smith, creator of the dating safety app CRAY, as he shares his story of betrayal after an 8-year relationship. He thought he was careful. Guarded. Smart. But even he didn’t see it coming. This conversation will help you understand why we ignore warning signs—and how to finally start seeing them clearly. ✔️ What “meeting their represe...
⚠️ Trigger Warning: Emotional abuse, manipulation
Why do we miss red flags… even when they’re right in front of us?
In this episode, I sit down with Justin Smith, creator of the dating safety app CRAY, as he shares his story of betrayal after an 8-year relationship.
He thought he was careful. Guarded. Smart.
But even he didn’t see it coming.
This conversation will help you understand why we ignore warning signs—and how to finally start seeing them clearly.
✔️ What “meeting their representative” really means
✔️ Why red flags are easy to miss in the beginning
✔️ How trauma affects who you choose to date
✔️ The difference between “nice” and “kind”
✔️ How to trust your gut again
You’re not crazy. You just weren’t taught what to look for.
How to connect:
https://cray.app/
10 Things About You: Self-Exploration Journal
https://www.amazon.com/shop/truecrimeconnectionspodcast
htpps://www.truecrimeconnections.com
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www.tiktok.com/@truecrimeconnections
00:32 - Meet Cray Founder Justin Smith
01:58 - Trauma Behind App
06:11 - How Cray Works
10:28 - Social Media Red Flags
14:04 - Childhood Trauma Links
21:34 - Projection Warning Signs
25:17 - Nice Versus Kind
32:44 - Red Flag Checklist Talk
40:01 - Final Thoughts And Links
WEBVTT
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What if there was an app to teach you how to spot red flag sooner?
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Trust your instincts and date with clarity instead of chaos.
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Anyone who has ever tried online dating knows that it can cause trauma and leave real scars.
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I'm your host, True Crime Connections.
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I'm Tiffany, and today joining us is the founder of Cray Dating Safety app, Justin Smith.
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And he's here to explain why his app is different.
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First of all, love the fucking name.
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Thank you.
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I uh came up with it myself, the logo I did myself, all the interfaces and everything I did myself.
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So it was a it was really a passion project for me.
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But yeah, people have been responding so well to the logo.
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I love it because I kept it inside for so long and I was so excited to show people, and now people are responding to it.
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And like when I give pitches, I'll pull out the sticker and people like you know, and they kind of light up.
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So it's cool to see that reaction finally.
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I think it's awesome, and everyone like everyone knows that.
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Either you're cray cray or you're cray.
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Well, I that's why I did cray, because it's everyone's a little crazy, you know.
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We're all a little crazy in our own way.
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So, you know, I chose that name too because it's a great way to pull people into the topic, and they know what the app's about when they see that, along with the you know, the fox mascot.
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You really already know what the product does in a sense when you see just that.
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So that's kind of the angle I was going for.
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I think you nailed it.
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Thank you, thank you.
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I guess my undergrad design degree came in handy after all.
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Right?
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I used to joke it was glorified arts and crafts, but uh, you know, it it it does have a purpose.
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It does, it does for sure.
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So you created this app because you went through your own trauma.
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I'm guessing you had you were in a relationship for eight years, and did you meet her on a dating app?
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We did, we met online.
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I won't get into that whole side of it, but we met, and you know, just the fact that someone could for eight years hide their true identity is wild, or that anyone could plot ahead of time to, you know, backstab someone in that way, steal money from them, turn their family against them, you know, file a false charge on them.
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It was it was brutal.
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I mean, it was like every week or month, it was just like some new revelation.
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And it was just got to the point where I had to go to a trauma center and recover.
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I checked myself into a PTSD treatment center for two months, and that's where I started like evaluating the relationship.
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Like, what the heck happened?
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You know, like how how did this happen to me who's so guarded and protected on like relationships and people and letting people in?
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And this woman like got through everything.
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So I started really like digging into the relationship and and realized there were some red flags I missed.
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And then I started just like, let me get all the red flags in there, let's get everything in there, let me think through every like piece of this from like my younger self, how I could have protected myself from someone like this.
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And that's really just how Grey kept becoming this bigger product and something that was so comprehensive in its attempt to protect people.
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I think we have all, you know, at some point in time have realized that shit, there were red flags, and we just either don't want to believe it, we want to overlook it, we make excuses, but they're there.
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Oh, yeah.
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And my friend had a good way of putting it.
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When you meet someone in the beginning of a relationship, you're meeting their representative.
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You're not meeting the person, you're meeting their representative.
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They're showing up.
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That's what I say.
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Oh, really?
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That's so funny.
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And it's funny we live kind of in the same area.
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We must have the same friend.
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But uh yeah, it's it's just interesting because I think a lot of us, you know, when we meet someone, we have this hope of like what could be, and like our aspirations for what relationship we want, and we just kind of like shove that person into that like glorified what we're needing and hope that they fill it.
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And it's it's really like you can get really ruined from it, as as I know, and a lot of other people know.
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Oh, for sure.
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I mean, I've been in a few relationships where I was like, what the fuck was I thinking?
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Like hindsight's always 2020.
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And I think the other thing to keep in mind is a lot of people have the rose-colored glasses, and hind, you know, looking back at the relationship, or afterwards, maybe they miss just having someone around, and so they start talking themselves into maybe I should start talking to my ex again.
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And so, you know, an app like this could provide clarity in those moments where you may need to refresh your memory on what it was like being with that person and uh go back through those memories through a different filter and maybe realize that there's a reason you broke up with them, and it's a good reason.
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Oh, for sure.
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Anytime there's an ex, there there's gotta be a good reason.
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X's are X's for a reason.
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That's my I say that's unless it was like timing.
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No, when you say that, oh my god, like literally, I have said that for like the last 10 years.
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When you meet someone, you don't meet them, you meet their representative because they're trying to be all the things.
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Well, that representative can only last for about two to three months before the real person starts to creep in there, and when they start to show you who they truly are, you need to listen.
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Oh, yeah, that's another one of my things.
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When someone shows you who they are, it's best believe them.
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Like because you know, people's behavior, and that's why the app is so great because it looks at people's behavior.
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People's behavior is something they can't lie about.
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Like if the guy's going out or the girl's going out and pounding down six beers a night or 12 beers a night and then driving because they have two DUIs, there's nothing you can like lie about that about.
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You know, it's like you're observing these pieces of information, and it's like, hmm, okay, that that's starting to add up into a bad picture, you know.
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Right, right.
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So is this supposed to be like, do they meet on your app, or is this an app where you plug in about your relationship?
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So this is, I like to couch it or frame it as a self-improvement app because the focus of this is to improve the user's dating competency and their overall experience in dating.
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So that when the user is using this app, let's say an 18-year-old who freshly goes to college and uses this app before they've dated anyone, they're not going to get swindled by the give me money for my OnlyFans, or oh, they're being mean to me in conflict and guilting me over some past event.
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You know, I mean, these things are now on their radar, and just by using the app and answering the questions over and over again, it starts getting ingrained in your head.
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So it becomes this kind of like teaching tool for people that raises the floor of their dating competency just like that, just by using it, which is great.
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That is good because so many times we just don't want to believe it, especially if you're like, oh, I found him, he's perfect, and it's like, no girl, no, he's not, or no, she's not, you know.
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We just so many people just want to love, and sometimes they're just willing to go through anything just to have it.
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That was me.
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And I and one of the things I realized is one of my best qualities is I'm there for the people I care about.
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But in dating, that can be manipulated extensively.
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And so I realized that I can still be that person, but I have to put that behavior into something that's not like trying to win love from someone.
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So like I go and help the homeless once to twice a week, and I've been doing that for 14, 15 months around the Tampa Convention Center.
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And so I get to still fulfill that need within me, but I get to pour it into something that's like productive rather than like trying to, and I'm not saying I did this, but love bombing or something like that, where that energy might have gotten poured into in an unhealthy channel.
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So, you know, there's things like that that in dating we have to evaluate in ourselves too.
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Like, am I in a place to date?
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You know, should I be dating?
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Do I have the right mindset about why I'm dating or what I'm looking for in the partner?
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Am I changing the criteria of what I'm looking for so I don't repeat the past, you know, repeating patterns that keep happening because I haven't changed as a person?
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I mean, these are all like dating's just a mindfield in a lot of different ways.
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Absolutely.
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Even by you saying that, I just thought of two different friends that I know are kind of playing in both pools, you know, and it's like, no, do it when it's right.
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Don't feel like you have to, and don't ever try to force yourself to change for somebody else.
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Oh, yeah.
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One of the things I talked about, I don't know if you've heard me say this before, but self-love is such a huge part of this for me, and that I think other people would benefit from, because then you realize that everyone around you isn't treating you how you deserve, or that there at least are people that aren't treating you how you deserve.
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And that's probably part of the problem of why your situation keeps ending up in a negative situation, because the self-love isn't strong enough to date someone that's rewarding and is a value added to you.
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So, you know, that's one thing I like to talk about when I go on these podcasts too, because I think that could help a lot of people.
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Because a lot of times when we go into these unhealthy relationships, it's because we have a hole that we're trying to fill in our heart.
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And we we want that love to fill it, but it's not going to.
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It never will.
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Someone else's love can never fill that hole in your heart.
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And so you really have to lean into loving yourself and doing things that remind yourself that you're important and that you're special and that you deserve good things.
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Right.
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I mean, you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself.
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Absolutely.
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And I don't think even people think of that because we live in a society where we want our rewards.
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We want that dopamine rush.
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We want that, you know, that burst of good feeling.
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Even if it's coming from a bad source or a you know, a bad foundation, people still jump into it because it gives them that that cheap thrill or that that that fix they want.
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Oh, for sure.
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You get addicted to it.
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Yeah, in the online world today, I think that's the biggest problem with our our dating and social media situation.
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It's like this almost sociopathic way of looking at things.
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Like I only chase after the likes, I only chase after the money, I only and you're not dating for like what's underneath.
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You're not dating someone because you both like chess or you both like tennis or you both, you know, believe in volunteering.
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And it's unfortunate because I think the younger generation just has never been exposed to that piece of it.
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So they operate in this superficial look at me cool on social media realm where they're they'll never get fulfilled or in a good relationship because the foundation is crap.
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Right.
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And another thing is people are constantly like they're comparing themselves to other people online, and you can't do that because half the people are full of fucking shit.
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They say comparison is the thief of joy.
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Have you heard that one before?
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Yeah, I have not.
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Well, you feel good about yourself, you're having a great day, and then you go online, you see that girl from high school that was your rival going on some vacation, someone you're like, well, fuck, I'm not happy anymore.
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Now I'm pissed off.
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Why is that bitch going?
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You know, like it gets in this whole like unhealthy stuff.
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Yeah, and and that's what sucks about social media.
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It's great at connecting people, but it's great at making you feel low.
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So yeah, I try and stay off of it as much as I can or avoid it.
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Or, you know, to me, in some ways, I'd consider a person dependent on social media as a red flag.
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Because that usually means that there's just this hole that they're trying to fill with attention and not a great situation to be in as a dating partner.
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No, especially I mean you're gonna go out to dinner and they're gonna stare at their phone the whole night.
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Like, what's the point?
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Well, yeah, or if they're just that attention-seeking validation type, they'll dress provocatively to get attention, or they'll flirt with someone at the bar just to get that, you know, little boost of feeling good about themselves, or you know, those little things.
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And that ends up taking away from the other person in the relationship, their happiness and feeling secure and feeling like someone loves them.
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I mean, those things have a really like you know deep impact in your soul.
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Oh, for sure.
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Yeah.
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I mean, all of it has impacts on people, and you don't realize it until it's unfortunately until it's too late.
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Yeah, and that's how I felt once I got out of this relationship, because everyone in my family still believes this woman is a great woman, which is crazy.
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After everything she's done to me and everything I've publicly stated about it, and they she's a nice person, they say.
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She's a narcissist.
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She's a gaslighting narcissist, which is what made it so difficult during the the rupture in the marriage where she tried to create an incident that would cause me to have a breakdown.
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It was all this like gaslighting, I couldn't tell up from down from left from right, and it was just very difficult to get through.
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And that's why I started looking at the objective data, because you know, you can't fake that.
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That's that's not stuff that you can make up.
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So that's where I started realizing that this is great for providing clarity, especially for people with trauma who don't recognize red flags because they grew up in an abusive household or an alcoholic household or their parents abandoning them and not giving a shit about them.
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I mean, these things add up and and it it shapes the way that we seek out our dating partner.
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Oh, yeah, I say everything starts in childhood.
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And like I ended up finding out in my 30s that I was a product of generational trauma.
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And so that's what landed me into abusive relationships because you think that is love when they talk down to you and they, you know what I mean?
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Like that was normal.
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And back then they didn't have all these fancy names.
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There was no gaslighting, no narcissists, no love bonds, like none of that even was anything.
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So, for one thing, like when all that stuff came out, it was so validating to be like, oh my god, there was something wrong.
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It wasn't me.
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It's it is crazy once you kind of are in the trauma and pull yourself out to where you can look at the things that have happened.
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There's this great book called The Body Keeps the Score.
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Have you read that before?
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I have not, but I've heard about I just heard it's a really slow start, and I'm not that much of a reader, so I don't know if I can.
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Well, if you have trauma, this will be eye-opening because there's certain things in there that they talk about.
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Like, for example, I was born with a fever, and so for the first two weeks or week of my life, I was in the hospital and my mom didn't hold me.
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And there's a there's a correlation between babies who do that and adults who don't have emotional regulation, they have emotional regulation issues because they weren't with their mother who would sue them when they were feeling bad.
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So they would just cry out in the NICU or wherever else.
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And so the body keeps the score, documents that the guy who wrote the book was one of the leading researchers of PTSD.
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And so he talks through his experience of kind of diving in and understanding these things and some of the correlations he noticed and patterns and uses specific patient examples.
00:15:52.879 --> 00:16:11.759
So it's really interesting because it gives you some context for like stuff that we deal with that we can't articulate and gives you some understanding that you know this is a normal reaction for someone with trauma, or that maybe this explains why you have emotional regulation issues because childhood issues showing up as an adult.
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You know, it's all connected, fortunately or unfortunately.
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Absolutely.
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That's why, like on my podcast, I really like try to stress to people like, please just be nice to your kids.
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Like, please, you know, you're gonna have good days, you're gonna have bad days.
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That that's life.
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But the way you treat them is how they're going to be in adulthood.
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And unless you want like a Ted Bundy as your kid, like let's let's protect them.
00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:42.799
How about that?
00:16:43.039 --> 00:16:43.840
No, I agree.
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And you know, I have a four-year-old, I have two older kids, a 19 and a 15-year-old.
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And with the four-year-old, I'm at an age now where I understand more about parenting and all that, and my focus has been on making him feel seen and making him feel heard.
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It's not just about being nice, because anyone can be nice to someone.
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My ex-partner of eight years, who stabbed me in the back, was nice.
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But when someone feels seen, there's no rupture of that relationship because they know that you see them deep inside and they know that you'll be there for them.
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They know you understand them.
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And it's been amazing seeing that with my four-year-old because he has no doubt about me in any shape or form and my commitment to him, or you know, he calls me his best friend.
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You know, it's it's it's really I know it is the sweetest.
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He's the sweetest boy.
00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:33.519
But you know, I I agree with you.
00:17:33.599 --> 00:17:47.680
I think that kids are a reflection of the parents, and you know, there's not enough people out there who really care about what their child's doing when, or what kind of content they're consuming, or what kind of guidance they're getting, or how they're spending their time.
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:49.279
It's unfortunate.
00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:52.000
Yeah, it really is.
00:17:52.160 --> 00:18:00.079
And unfortunately, a lot of times addiction plays in and the drug wins over the child, and that's that's very unfortunate.
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:06.400
So somehow we have to find a way to reach parents and tell them, like, okay, even if you did fuck up, we all fuck up.
00:18:06.559 --> 00:18:11.920
Like, like parenting doesn't come with a book of instructions, it's trial and error.
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:18.400
So, you know, you're gonna make mistakes, but it's okay, just learn from them and keep getting better.
00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:19.279
It's okay.
00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:29.359
Yeah, I feel like there's this, it's interesting because there's like this iPad generation, parents aren't as involved in teaching their kids the rules of life, so to speak.
00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:38.799
And that was something that I thought of the app in context of as I was building it because I thought back to my younger self and I made a lot of stupid mistakes.
00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:46.720
I was like 19 and let a girl move in with me who needed a place to live, because I was like, oh, she having a girl live with you is gonna be awesome.
00:18:46.960 --> 00:18:49.519
It was worst decision I could have made.
00:18:49.839 --> 00:18:55.680
And so I tried to think through that kind of stuff because we need to teach the kids, we need to show them the proper way to behave.
00:18:55.839 --> 00:19:02.240
And I'm actually adding a piece to Cray, which I haven't publicly talked about, but it's called the base score, B-A-E.
00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:15.039
And instead of all the safety and negative stuff, this is gonna be the ideal stuff to look for in a partner so that I'm not just telling people what to avoid, I'm gonna teach them what the qualities are to look for in someone.
00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:23.920
Communication during conflict, things like that, like healthy things, traits that matter and will lead to a good outcome in a relationship.
00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:28.559
Because I feel like because these kids aren't getting taught, they don't know what to look for.
00:19:28.720 --> 00:19:31.279
And so someone needs to help them have that knowledge.
00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:37.359
And so that's kind of why I built the app how I did and made it so comprehensive and with all the information.
00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:48.319
I even made the vibe check, which is a AI interpretation of the reports so that it has like actionable information and things to look out for in the next coming weeks, you know, things like that.
00:19:48.640 --> 00:19:50.079
Because it's needed, man.
00:19:50.160 --> 00:19:51.359
Like, as we keep saying.
00:19:52.799 --> 00:20:02.400
Like, yeah, especially teenagers who are fresh out and they're dating and they don't understand, like he tells you don't wear that in public or don't eat that.
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:04.640
Okay, first off, that's a no-no.
00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:06.319
Like, okay, dump him.
00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:09.759
Like something as small as that, because it's only gonna escalate.
00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:14.880
Yeah, so anytime they put their hands on you, it's only gonna escalate.
00:20:14.960 --> 00:20:17.680
Like, people don't change, they really don't.
00:20:18.000 --> 00:20:25.119
Yeah, once the patterns have once the behavior has shown itself, because I even say, you know, the minor things are signs of the big things.
00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:35.359
Because even thinking back to my partner of eight years, the first day I introduced her to my kid, there was this one moment where I was like, that that might be the sign of something.
00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:40.240
And it sounds stupid, but once you hear it, you're like, okay, I kind of get it.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:54.240
I always told my kids that Justin Bieber sucked as a human because he was just a crappy human, did all these, you know, outlandish things, and just was first day she shows up, she's like, I love Justin Bieber, your dad's wrong, he's great.
00:20:54.480 --> 00:21:04.720
And in my brain, I was like, Because right then it doesn't sound bad, but when you analyze it, your dad's not the authority, I'm the source of truth.
00:21:04.880 --> 00:21:06.559
Your dad is not the source of truth.
00:21:06.720 --> 00:21:09.759
And that was the message that she sent from day one.
00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:15.279
And so from then on, anything I said now, it's just your dad saying it.
00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:18.319
You know, like that's the approach they have to it.
00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:29.200
So those little things do matter, and I think it's it's important that people really just keep their ears open and and you know, listen for those things that make their ears kind of perk up.
00:21:30.319 --> 00:21:33.200
Yeah, don't just hear it, listen.
00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:47.359
Because a lot of time there's truth, and even like when people say, I'm not this, this, and this, if you listen enough, you you might realize there's you mean like the person who says I don't like drama?
00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:51.440
Yeah.
00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:52.880
No, I agree.
00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:59.759
I I gotta you know what I've learned too is that people who are not sophisticated, and I'll use that word loosely.
00:22:01.279 --> 00:22:08.480
Can only do projection because they're only as smart as their own brain and the ideas that come up with things they want to do.
00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:15.359
So projection is something I think that is also important to keep an eye out for in the beginning of a relationship.
00:22:15.599 --> 00:22:17.920
Because people can do a lot of mental gymnastics.
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:19.759
It's it's quite impressive.
00:22:20.720 --> 00:22:21.279
Yes.
00:22:21.519 --> 00:22:22.480
Oh my gosh.
00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:29.119
Yeah, so when you said you were like gone girl, at first I was like, did she like set you up for murder?
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