You Deserve Better! | Gargi

Darkcast network. Welcome to the dark side of podcasts

>> Gargi: Darkcast network. Welcome to the dark side of podcasts.

>> Tiffany: The same person that can watch you struggle in pain is the same person who can harm you with no remorse.

>> Tiffany: Hello, everybody, and welcome to true crime connections. If this is your first time, I want to welcome you to our rewired and inspired community. And if you are returning, then welcome back. Glad to have you.


This week we are going to learn how to be unsquashable girl

This week we are going to learn how to be an unsquashable girl and how to change our mindsets. Today, the founder of, unsquashable girl, Gargi, is here to share her journey on. How did this even come about? Hi, and I just want to say thank you so much for joining me.

>> Gargi: Hi, Tiffanie. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be part of this podcast.

>> Tiffany: So excited to have you here.


I speak to a lot of women who face domestic violence

How did you become unsquashable?

>> Gargi: Thank you for saying that. I had a, history where I was facing a lot of abuse and trauma. And I felt that education would make me immune to things like domestic violence, to facing abusive bosses or toxic cultures. And I realized that education in itself isn't something that could save me from these things. And I feel women especially are ashamed if they're educated and they still fell for the guy who did all these bad things, and then they hide in shame. So I wanted to be out there telling these women, you can change the ending of your story. You can be an unsquashable girl, which means a girl who will not be squashed.

>> Tiffany: I love that. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Your background doesn't matter. Your age, your race, how much schooling you have, violence does not pick, they do not care.

>> Gargi: That is so true. But you would be amazed that how many people, the minute an educated woman says to someone, a girlfriend or to a confidant that, hey, I'm having problems in my marriage or in this relationship, a lot of times the response is, you're so smart. How did you fall for this guy? That is the default answer. And then women feel ashamed. And the first thing they bring up to me, because I speak to a lot of women who face domestic violence. How did this happen? I have a PhD. I have two masters. I'm, college educated. He's college educated. So I want to break the stigma that domestic violence does not pick. It does not pick you based on what kind of education level you have. You have nothing on your forehead that says abuses apply here. You are going to be okay. Join me in becoming an un squishable.

>> Tiffany: Girl I love, and that is it's a powerful message to send to people. And I've had a lot of people on my show that are highly educated, and it was the same thing. How did I not see this? But what you have to remember is they are so good at what they do.

>> Gargi: Exactly. And I think one of the things that happens is it's not that we don't see the red flags. And I'm going to say we, because I was one of these women. It's not that you don't see the red flags. It's that you are so smart, you explain them away. You say, there must be an alternate reason for why he behaved this way. And that's what I want you all to stop doing. Stop explaining bad behavior away. Leave the table, cross the street when someone is being mean, abusive, or disrespectful.

>> Tiffany: Right. The red signs will. The red signs.

>> Gargi: The red flags.

>> Tiffany: Well, they start to pop up, especially when you're nitpicking. And they're like, oh, you shouldn't wear that, or you shouldn't eat that, or you shouldn't be friends with this person. Your mom, she's trash. Like, these are all red flags.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And I think people miss the subtle signs of control. I love that you mentioned that, that you shouldn't wear that. That's such a subtle sign of control, because this person is helping you pick your clothes. You're an adult woman. You should be picking your own clothes. I'll give you another one. I remember when I was dating my ex husband. He would pick the menu. We would go to restaurants. He would pick what I'm eating. And I'm such a smart woman, I thought that instead of saying, oh, this is a red flag, why is he picking what we can order? I thought, this is an act of love, but I was giving into control, and that's what I want women to stop doing. Like, if something feels in you, walk out of that restaurant or walk out of that room or have a moment of introspection where you're like, m that's strange. Pay attention to that. Don't explain it away. And I think with that, the subtle science is what escalates. Abuse always escalates. It does not get better if you're patient. It does not become miraculously healed if you continue to be a good girl. Does not change unless you change. So I think if women could just remember that, that nothing they can do can change an abusive man, that would help them a lot, for sure.

>> Tiffany: And just realize, like you said, it's just gonna. Is going to continue to escalate little by little until you are literally just stuck with this person and you have no family, no friends left. You might not even have a job anymore because they got you fired. I mean, it can just go round and round and we have to stop making mistakes. A lot of times we'll be like, oh, it's because he loves me. No, that's not love.


Tiffany says defining love properly can help combat domestic violence

>> Gargi: Yeah. And I think that's where I want to make the connection between trauma and defining love properly. I think a lot of people, me included, at one point, would define love as giving permission to people to misbehave. We would say, well, we love them so they can act out in front of us. We love them so they can, you know, tell us things which are inappropriate. And I don't define love like that anymore. I think you should be on your better than best behavior. If you love me, you should treat me the best. I shouldn't become the dumping ground for your emotional upheaval and your bad days. There is a way to share information, knowledge, disagree reasonably, and none of those include mistreatment directed at you.

>> Tiffany: Absolutely. We all have bad days. That doesn't mean that you can go around treating people like crap. It's all about respect. If your partner does not respect you, respect your space, your things, there's nothing there. And it's just gonna, it's gonna continue to get worse.

>> Gargi: Yes, I so agree with you. And I love that you said, respect your things, because that's another thing people don't associate with domestic violence. They think, oh, well, he destroyed my favorite outfit, but he didn't hurt me. Yes, your outfit is an extension of you. The thing that you loved, that he destroyed, whether it be an outfit, a book that you love, that you're reading, anything that you consider of value, if this person harms, it, destroys it. That is an extension of domestic violence. So I think that is an excellent clarification because I hear a lot of people saying, well, you know, he was angry and he did x or y, but it wasn't directed at me. It is directed at you, is what I want to clarify. It is directed at you if your things are, destroyed or damaged, well, yeah, they're yours.

>> Tiffany: They have no right on doing that. And men are also abused by women. So we have to always say, you know, this is worldwide, unfortunately, but you gotta learn your place. You gotta realize what real love is. And I think sometimes people just want to believe their love and they just minimize what is done to them. Because, like, we all make excuses yeah.

>> Gargi: I think that if we address the problem at its core, which is defining. How do you define love? What is love for you? What is being loved look like for you? And you write down a list that list should never include that my partner can have tempered tantrums directed at me or my things. And I wish we should, like, teach this in, like, elementary school. I wish we teach this in colleges because we have so much awareness of what is domestic violence, yet it surprises every woman every time it happens to them. And why is that? Because there has been no formal education that I can think of outside of going to law school, where I was taught what is the crime of domestic violence. So I am here to let as many women as possible know that abuse is when you say the word no and the person still continues to do what you told them not to do. That's like, the most simplistic definition that I can find. You made yourself clear. Whatever this person was doing, you want them to stop and they continue to do it. That is the first sign that they're controlling you, that they are disrespecting your no. And I want all the ladies and all the men to pay attention to that. Your no should be respected. And I hope that clarifies for a lot of people, in very simple terms, where it all starts. And what is the first flag of abuse?

>> Tiffany: Right. usually it starts with name calling. That's a huge red flag because that's only going to get worse, too. But people be like, well, I mean, yeah, he called me this, this and this, but, you know, he didn't put hands on me. That doesn't make it not abuse. There's different kinds of abuse.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And I think that's why the educational component is so important, Tiffanie, because people think that things have really gone out of control only when they're physically hurt. And just like you're saying, abuse starts with even small things like name calling, which I put under the bracket of disrespect. It starts with disrespecting you. And, I'm such a big advocate of saying that we should include this in parent child conversations, in friend conversations, in relation, in all kinds of relationship conversations, where we define for a young woman what to look out for, because otherwise it's very hard. They can get really confused by the idea of love, even when it's not.

>> Tiffany: Right. You're trying to make it love, but that's not what you're getting, and it's not what you deserve.

>> Gargi: Right. I think that you hit on the key point it is not what you deserve. And I often tell women that being abused and disrespected is not your destiny. If you start to tell yourself, I deserve better, that itself can take you to a different level.

>> Tiffany: I've been in relationships where the parents have told me, you should do better. Anyone listening, red flag. Please listen to them. If their own, parent is saying, what are you doing? You deserve better, please listen to them.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And listen to your friends. Listen to your trusted advisors. Like, what are they noticing? And start to be a little bit more cognizant of the signs you're noticing and not explaining them away. Again, I really think that it's not that women don't see the red flags. It's I think they see it. I think they can't digest that that's what happened. They can't. They explain it away. And I would, I hope that our conversation shows women that being with a person who's disrespecting the m name, calling them or in any other way, making them feel bad about themselves, which could be anything. Right? Body shaming. there's so many examples. That is the beginning of something bad. That is not the beginning of something good.

>> Tiffany: Absolutely. You have to take their actions as words, because actions speak louder than words because they can be lying to you and doing something completely opposite. You need to notice that, because once that starts, they're never going to end, because they always think they're going to have one up on you.

>> Gargi: Yeah, absolutely. And I like to give women and men m a very tangible way of figuring out what are positive relationships in their life. And that tangible way is, if you're listening to me today, take a piece of paper and draw three columns on it. And on one side, one column. Right.


A lot of relationship starts there. And all the research has pointed to that

This person makes me feel calm and happy. In the next column. Right. This person makes me feel angry and upset. And then the third column, you can say, I'm confused because a lot of relationship starts there. You're confused and then start to make a list of everyone you know in your inner circle. Do they generally make you feel calm and happy? And how can you tell that? Let's say right now you're getting a text message from them, or you're getting a call from them. Do you want to pick it up? I think that's the first indicator of whether, which bucket that person lies in. Like, if I see a call coming from my dear friend, and that person usually makes me feel calm and happy. Their name goes in the first column. If I see a text message coming from somebody, I'm like, oh, my God, this is probably going to be another little angry thing. I am going to put them in the second column. And then anyone you've just started to meet or date or get to know or you're confused because they're giving you mixed signals, should go in the third column. And that's where you need to spend your time, where you say, okay, this person is sometimes good, sometimes bad. And I like to say, watch that space. Watch that space. Because then you can begin to really hone in on that relationship. Pay attention to what is happening and then reclassify them based on where they fall. If you're confused for a long time, they automatically should come to column number two, which is you don't want to deal with them anymore. They keep confusing you. They're sometimes happy, they're sometimes making you sad. I think those confusing relationships, after a while, if they haven't resolved themselves into being calm, happy, positive, need to be in the second column where you're like, I hm. Don't want to be around these people who make me question myself. I hope that makes sense.

>> Tiffany: Oh, for sure. I'm huge on, like, pro and con lists. I've actually created one that I sell on Amazon. And there's a pro list, there's a con list, and then under each one it's reflect on what you see. How does this make you feel? Because if you're like, oh, well, he can cook. And, you know, he likes to drive. He, can be funny. But in the other column, it's, he treats me like crap, you know, like he blows up my phone, he won't let me wear lipstick. You know, little things like that. Those, those are really eye opening. I don't care if he can sing good. I don't care if he can cook. Like frickin trying to think of a cook real quick, and I got nothing.

>> Gargi: Delicious. You can. Delicious. But that doesn't mean anything if he's gonna beat you later, right?

>> Tiffany: And I mean, it's not always going to start there. It starts usually little by little, but most likely it's going to end up there.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And I'm glad you said that. It starts little by little. And people, I feel like women especially, and I know men too, like, they excuse it, thinking, oh, it's going to get better. And all the research has pointed to the fact that things start small. Abuse always escalates. If someone is mistreating you, there is no chance that they will suddenly start treating you really well, consistently just because you're being a good person. Like, I feel a lot of times I hear women say to me, well, I'm such a good person. I'm such a good, kind, loving person. How is this, how is he treating? That is not the right question. It doesn't matter who you are. Put the focus on the person and not on yourself. You are who you are, and that person is who they are. And like you said, tiffany, it usually starts small, and it's almost like they're testing you. You know, you've heard the story of the frog being put in the water and the temperature being controlled, and it's become higher and higher and higher. And the frog's like, okay, the frog jumps out when it's, like, really hot or dies. And I want the listeners here to jump out when it. The stove gets turned on. That's it. That's the first indication. Why is this happening? No intimate relationship should have fear in it. So if you are listening to this podcast and driving home from work and you're like, no, I'm going to go home, and I don't know what I'll find. Fear. Watch for that feeling in any intimate relationships. Like I said, if you're driving home and you feel like I feel fear, that is a point where you should reflect. There should be no fear. Your home should be a safe space.

>> Tiffany: Absolutely. And please note, you cannot change them. Please. How many times? But I can change him? No, no, no, you cannot. And you are a great person. And unfortunately, that probably made you an easy target because you might be dealing with a narcissist and they can spot you out of a crowd.

>> Gargi: That's so true.


One in four women experience domestic violence, according to one study

And this is where I also want to kind of reiterate that. Don't start blaming yourself because you have all this education or you're so accomplished at work and this is happening at home. I want to be sure that, you know, that it happens to educated women. It happens to very accomplished people. You know, when we all saw the video of Diddy beating up his girlfriend, I mean, that woman had a career of her own, and she was viciously beaten up. If you haven't seen the video, check it out and you'll see what I'm talking about. This is the ugly face of domestic violence. They're both successful people, and it still happens. So you are not alone. If I can tell you if you are feeling this is like just my life, this doesn't happen to people like us. We're successful, we're sophisticated, we're educated. No, it happens to the best of.

>> Tiffany: Us, one in four women. That is scary odds. Very scary odds.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And I think what we can do to change that is to educate women to leave those relationships fast, because we can't change the abusers. There's nothing I can do or say here today that will, brainwash the abusers to behave better. But what I hope to achieve through this podcast is to let some women know that they had still have time to change the ending of their story. And how do you begin changing the ending of your story? You leave the relationship right before you.

>> Tiffany: Get more sucked in, and then you really feel trapped.

>> Gargi: You know, that's another interesting word that you use, trapped. I hear this all the time. Women tell me, oh, I'm trapped because I have children. And I like to remind them that children would rather grow up in a happy home than in a home where their mother is tortured. Think about that for a second. Which child would like to grow up thinking that this is okay and it's a happy, wonderful home just because two parents are under the same roof. But my mother is tortured every day. So if that's the only reason why you're staying or putting up with his behavior, I would like you to start thinking differently. This is where the change in mindset comes in. Like it's small things. The first sign of change is in your mind. Once you start believing in your mind that you have the power to change the ending of your story, you can. That's where it begins.

>> Tiffany: And I think it's so important that if you do have children and you're staying, because the children, to realize that they are normalizing what is happening in your house, they are taking notes in their mind, and they will never know the difference of what a healthy relationship is. Do you want your son or daughter to be in the exact same spot you are in, or do you want better for them?

>> Gargi: That is such a, wonderful illustration of exactly what happens. Because there is research that says that children who witness abuse have two choices when they grow up. Either they become abusers because then they think this is the way it is, this is how you should treat your spouse or your partner, or they become unsquashable girls who say, I will not put up with this. And that's why we want to help you change your mind, not just about your own life, but how you're impacting your children's life.

>> Tiffany: Yeah, this sets them on their roadmap until adulthood. You have no idea what the future awaits for them.

>> Gargi: Men, too, sometimes they feel that uncertainty of the future, which is what you said, what the future holds for them is what keeps them in the comfortable but unsafe space. So I think we should address that because a lot of people are scared to leave. Because when you leave, it's uncertain. You don't know they think the familiar devil. You know, you've heard that saying, familiar devil is better than the unknown devil. I would like to say, no, devil is good for you.

>> Tiffany: Amen to that.

>> Gargi: Yeah. Let's not be in a relationship with any kind of devil.

>> Tiffany: No, no. Yeah. It's just. It's not going to end well for anybody, and we need to be building each other up, not tearing each other down.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And I think that's so important because I think now for the listeners who are not in a relationship like this themselves, but who may be hearing of their colleagues or their friends who are in relationships, build them up. Don't tell them, hey, how is this happening to you? You're such an educated and successful person. That's shaming them. Don't tell them to give it time to be more patient. Don't tell them that, hey, stay. Because he's such a nice guy, because he may be showing up as a nice guy to you, but you don't know what's happening behind closed doors. So I would really encourage the community that's listening to this podcast to be a strong support system for any woman or man who's telling you that they are having difficulties in their relationship. And especially if they give you examples of some of the things we talked about today. I mean, Tiffanie talked earlier about name calling. I talked about, you know, little subtle acts of control. These are all red flags. And if they're not seeing it and you just heard this podcast, and you can then point them to this episode, or you can tell them that, look, here's two women telling you for sure that these are not your imagination. This is a sign of domestic violence. You could help save a life one day. So I encourage everyone to become a support system.

>> Tiffany: You could save a lot of lives. I mean, how many of these people lose their shit when they think that somebody is leaving? And now you and your children are in harm? They don't like to lose control. So you gotta work really hard on not giving them full control.


When you start to break away, that is the most dangerous phase of relationship

>> Gargi: And I want to talk about why happens a little bit, and also what you can do to not give them full control. It's very important to know that if you do show signs of, signs of growing apart, signs of leaving, that is the most dangerous phase of the relationship. Again, there's research backing what Tiffanie just said, that when you start to break away, that is the most dangerous phase of your relationship. So create a safety plan. Talk to somebody you can trust. Let them into your life. Let your life not be private, that no one knows anything about it. And you have beautiful pictures on Instagram and Facebook, and people think you're in the ideal relationship. But at home, things are horrible. So let a friend in, let your kind relative in so that they know it's happening, so that they can create a safety plan with you. And I think that will help in breaking away for sure.

>> Tiffany: And if anything, I mean, God forbid you go missing. You know, you don't want everyone to say, well, her husband was. He was perfect. He was great. He would never do that. And you want them saying, look at him first.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And the manipulators and the abusers are more m often than not, people with a wonderful reputation, excellent public speaking skills, very good hosts. Usually. They usually show up and help other people. This is what makes them, create this facade that they're such good people. So when you do tell your story so that people can be, hey, how. How can that be? This person is so good. So breaking part of that facade and believing that the. That the relationship that you have is your truth is one of the critical steps, I think, because a lot of times, because the, abuse that is popular or successful or makes a lot of money or has a really good public image, don't let that confuse you. Trust what is happening in your relationship behind closed doors. And I will tell you, I learned to do that from my grandmother. If you want to check out my New York Times story that just got published in tiny love stories, Modern Love, where I talked about how my grandmother, 80 years old, told me that she was married to a terrible man. And that helped, ah, break the facade of what most people thought as this amazing, beautiful 30 plus year marriage. So I always tell women and men, trust what is happening behind closed doors. Don't get caught up in the person's popularity or their public image.

>> Tiffany: Right. Image is just the image they want to show you. Once they start getting into who they really are, you can't really hide that too much. At least behind closed doors, you will see the full ugliness, but you're not. You're not going to see it out in public. And I would urge people, if you're really not sure and you're in the moment, get a journal, a notebook, something. Write down dates. Write down what happened. Go back sometimes, and read it. Not only now do you have a record of what's been happening to you, but you can sit and reflect on how much shit you've really gone through, and maybe that can give you the power that you need to get out.

>> Gargi: Yes. And the power starts with saying, you deserve better. You deserve better. You don't. If the journal pages is really filling up and you are like, oh, my God, I have, like, 57 pages of all the crap that I've been put through. Well, you know, every single time you. You write in that journal, you should be telling yourself simultaneously, you deserve better. Better relationships are available. They're out there. And I would like to take it one step further and say, alone is better than abused. So don't let loneliness stop you from leaving a bad relationship. I feel like that's one of the number one reasons people don't leave. They think they'll be really lonely and alone. And I want to open your mind again to change your mindset, to realize that there could be a lot of peace in solitude. If you are not being pushed and prodded and pulled and punched all the time, you are at a happier plane even if you are alone. You'll just have to trust me on that. If you're in a bad situation, let me tell you that I'm on the other side. And I'm telling you that, alone is better than abused, lonely is better than tortured, and divorced is definitely better than dead. So remember those things. And I hope that encourage you today to think about your relationship with a different mindset.

>> Tiffany: Absolutely. What you need to do after that is, honestly, you need to work on yourself, give yourself grace for what you've been through. And then once you're ready and you love you again and you respect yourself, the right person will come along, but they can't come find you if you're still hiding under your bed because you're scared. So you've got to make the steps to be that happy person that you want to be.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And I want to tell people that you know it, because that's another thing that keeps coming up in conversations. It is not too late for you. I don't care how old you are. If you're 2030, 40, 50, 60. I don't care if you're alive today and listening to this podcast. There is time for you to change the ending of your story. That's what I speak about in man's corshible girl, Instagram and Facebook. If you want a daily motivation, go check it out. I want to remind every woman that it is not too late to change the ending of your story. Start today.

>> Tiffany: Absolutely. Absolutely. To start getting your thoughts organized, plans in motion, because you can have the life that you truly want and deserve. You just have to be the one to do it. Nobody can do it for you. Unfortunately, even though I'm pretty sure we've all had a friend that we wanted to go and physically pull out of a situation, they have to want it themselves.


If you do have a friend going through this situation, please know that

>> Gargi: Yeah, I think it's so important that you brought up the friend aspect. If you do have a friend who is going through this situation, please know that you can't pull them out unless they want it. That's another important clarification to make you wanting someone to lead the life that you want is also control. So recognize that in yourself. If that friend of yours comes to you and confides as ah, their safe person that things like this are happening, I always say hold up a mirror to them. You become the reflection. You say, hey, what you just said right now sounds like abuse. So you can like keep pointing the red flag at them in a clear way and let it, let them not explain it away. That in itself, hopefully will get them to make that decision. But like Tiffanie said, that ultimate decision of whether they want to stay or they want to leave or what they want to do is up to them. Coerce them, don't control them, give them space, but also give them support. For example, in the beginning of the podcast, I think we talked about where Tiffanie was like someone was named calling her and if we were chatting and she told me this as a good friend, I would be like Tiffanie, that sounds like the beginning of abuse. I want you to know that I know you love him, but that sounds like somebody who is going to treat you horribly as you go down the path with them. I think that little bit of information, clear communication is enough. I don't have to then start to tell Tiffanie, hey, you must leave or you must do x and y because that means I'm trying to control Tiffany's choices and you should never be in a position where you're trying to control anyone else. The ultimate decision, like Tiffanie said, comes from within. So be a good friend, be a good support system. Tell them that you are available if they have an emergency. Because as you know, as we've talked about, things escalate. If one day they are in danger, they should be able to call you and you should not be telling them at that time I told you so. You should be embracing them and saying, I'm here for you. I've tried to be here for you for a while, and, my door is open, my home is open. Give them a safe space to sleep, take them out for a meal. I mean, these are really little things, but imagine a person who's driving home, listening to this podcast and is scared to go home. Do you understand the impact of taking them out to dinner and letting them have a safe space to have dinner at your home or at a restaurant, or letting them spend a weekend with you? And these seem like really small things, but looking back to when I came out of an abusive relationship, it was so important for me to have a friend's home where I could just sleep for the weekend, because then it would give me time to think, to just go out for dinner for a few hours with someone who is safe. So don't underestimate these little things, because a lot of times when folks hear of such difficult situations, they're, they're paralyzed, they don't know how to help, they don't know what's the right thing to say to someone going through this situation like this. Don't say, like I said things like, hey, how could this be happening to you? This is not about you questioning them. This is not about you trying to find a solution to their problems. Think about it as you trying to provide them a few hours or a few nights or a weekend of rest, because rest and time away from the abuser is what will turn them into introspection, into creating that to do list that Tiffanie talked about, into creating that list of how I energetically feel when this person calls me or texts me and creating the three columns that I talked about, that is what is going to give them the space to create that. So I would say to all of you who have people in the circle who you, who you suspect might be going through something like this to give them an invitation for a meal in the next week.

>> Tiffany: Yeah. Anything that can help them get their mind off of what's going on, or at least to vent. Everybody needs to have somebody that they can vent to that will not hold judgment, will not hold things over their head, will not say, I told you so, or even, I had a friend once tell me that I deserved it. Like what? no. Yeah, she's gone. So you do not fit. He did not fit. You guys are all gone. That's not what you need. You need people who are by your side, who are going to be there for you.

>> Gargi: And you know, Tiffanie, that's where most people say, well, I have nobody. How am I going to go through this? Because nobody's on my side. And I want to encourage that woman or man who's saying that to please still keep on walking. All the souls who are brave had to walk a little bit of their path alone. So I don't want you to think, if I say or do something and no one is by my side, I will fail. No, you could succeed beyond your wildest imagination. That's what happened to me. So move forward with or without somebody. Take the road less traveled. It is going to lead you to better spaces that I can tell you from my experience.

>> Tiffany: You got to start somewhere.

>> Gargi: Yes. And little steps matter. That's another thing, like, little, little steps matter. Just you thinking about it. If we could just open your mind today to the possibility that a better life exists. You know, I like to say I motivate women to step out of abusive and dysfunctional relationships, seek better lives, and change the ending of their stories. This conversation could make you feel that m maybe there is a chance that I could have a better life. You could have a different life. I think we've succeeded. Just your mindset being open to a different possibility than the current reality that you're in is the marker for success.

>> Tiffany: It's a game changer.

>> Gargi: all starts in the mind.

>> Tiffany: Absolutely.


You have to love yourself enough to know that your sanity, your health

Again, you can have everything you want. It doesn't mean that just because you're not going to be with this person, I won't have the car, I won't have the house. Who cares? Rebuild. Get a bus pass in the mind in the meantime, I mean, everything can be regained at a later time. Your sanity, your health, your safety is what matters.

>> Gargi: You have to love yourself enough to know that your sanity, your health, your well being matters. If that. That's self love. Self love is not about going to the spa and getting your nails done. Self love is saying, I deserve better. So start there. And remember that if someone can ignore your pain, they can harm you without remorse. Think about that. Let me say that again. If someone can ignore your pain, they can harm you without remorse. If they can look away while you're hurting, they can put you in harm's way easily. Don't trust them. So this is another very big red flag that keeps coming up where women keep trusting the same person again and again who's clearly hurt them before, and they think it's their being the bigger person. By saying, I'm, giving them another chance. Well, don't give them another chance. Don't give a person who's hurt you another chance. Tiffanie just talked about how when someone said she deserved it, they were out of her life. They were out. She's not giving them another chance. And even if that means you are left with a party of one, remember what I said. Alone is better than being abused. You will be okay alone. I think that's another message that really needs to get out. Women are so scared to be alone, they would marry a rock. Don't do that.

>> Tiffany: A rock. I'd rather them go find that frog. Something else that people need to think about is when you allow somebody to treat you in this way, you're pretty much giving them permission in a sense, because you're not standing up for yourself. Do not let these people think that they can walk all over you and treat you like this, because if you ignore, ignore, ignore, they're going to be like, she must like it, or she doesn't care. Don't be that person.

>> Gargi: Yeah, I think, but that comes from a lot of people's upbringing, especially women who are told to be obedient. Obedience is seen as such a great quality in women, Tiffanie, that I feel like that drives a lot of women making the choice of, like you said, not saying anything or, putting up with bad behavior because they want to be obedient. And I want to say obedience is an overrated quality more suitable for a domesticated animal, not an adult woman. So you don't have to obediently listen to people who are disrespecting you, to people who are abusing you just because they are your family or your partner or husband or what have you let go of, this notion that you have to be this polite, good girl who's always obedient, always tries to do, to do what's best for other people, and try to love yourself where you're doing what is right for you.

>> Tiffany: Right. Stop people pleasing.

>> Gargi: Yes, yes.

>> Tiffany: Such good information. I hope anyone who is going through this or know somebody who is, is taking notes and pass it on because it really, it's so important. And this could literally be life or death.

>> Gargi: That's what people don't understand, that how did this escalate to a point where now you have to call the police, now your life is in danger? I think it always surprises women that I speak to when it escalates to a point where they think their life is in danger, somehow they think their abusive partner will not take that final. But this person whose anger is so out of control, who is in a rage, can take that final step, is what I want to raise your awareness about, like, please don't think that this person who's belittling you, who's already destroying your things, who's hurting you, will now one day not try to take your life, I think, really needs to be bridged quickly, because that point of escalation happens very fast. And most people give the benefit of the doubt to their abuser. They give the benefit of the doubt to the person harming them, saying, well, I'm sure we'll not take it to that level, but let me burst that myth today. The person who can hurt you and, not care, can continue to hurt you, could continue to harm you, and could continue their escalation of violence to a point where your life is in danger. Don't let that surprise you, because if you hear enough women like us talking about how abuse escalates quickly to a point where it's life threatening, then you will know that that could happen in your circumstance, and hopefully, you're not surprised by it. And it motivates you to step out of such relationships where your life could be in danger.

>> Tiffany: Absolutely. Change at the drop of a hat. People are unpredictable, especially when someone feels like they are losing control. That is a scary time. So you need to really be on your feet. You got to be aware of your surroundings, and, again, know that you deserve better.

>> Gargi: I think if every woman today could say or any. Every person today could just tell themselves that they deserve better and they deserve to go back to a safe home, m to a safe relationship, life would be very different. Mindsets would be changed with that one statement. You deserve better. You deserve to go home to a safe space, and you deserve to be in relationships where you're respected and disagreements are handled in a way where you don't feel like you are in danger.

>> Tiffany: Right. I mean, you're not always going to get along, but holy crap, I mean, there.

>> Gargi: There's.

>> Tiffany: There's a line there when it starts getting scary or you're. You feel like you're walking on eggshells, honey, you're heading in that direction, so it's just time to start figuring out an exit strategy.

>> Gargi: Yeah. And don't think you're alone. I think that's what scares most women to. To take the next step, to seek help is because they think their situation is so unique or their person who's doing this to them is so popular or so charismatic that no one will believe them. I like to tell them, why don't you believe your own story, your experience of your everyday life? If it's terrible. You need to tell yourself you deserve better and seek a different path. It does not matter. It does not matter if the whole world believes you or not. Self love starts with, first of all, making sure you're safe.


Tiffany says being alone shouldn't stop you from taking the next step

So don't let any of this stop you from taking the next step. That being alone shouldn't stop you from taking the next step.

>> Tiffany: I love what you just said. You said, believe your own story. Nobody else needs to believe you. You believe your own story. So true. That's powerful. You know what's going on. You see the writing on the wall.

>> Gargi: And I think women spend so many, so many cycles of energy and communication trying to get other people on their side, telling their story in a way that they hope is convincing enough to convince his parents, your parents, your family, his family. It doesn't matter. People will realize what the story is once you put yourself in a safe space. Trust yourself. Move to a safe space. It does not matter if his parents, your parents, your family, his family, your friends, his friends, everybody believes you. It does not matter. You first have to be alive. You have to be safe. And then people will make their own choices. They will come to their own conclusions. You can't control them. But you also don't have to spend time convincing others to believe your story, to believe yourself. Believe yourself the first time.

>> Tiffany: Right. And always remember, what happens in the dark eventually comes to light. So, amen. Kari, I love this so much. Is there anything else you wanted to add?

>> Gargi: No. It was a pleasure being on this podcast. I hope it inspires women and men who are in abusive relationships to know, one, that they're not alone, and two, to take the step to change the ending of their story. There is still time. You are not too late. Please take the step today to change the ending of your story. Check me out on unsquotiable girl, unsquashablegirl, uh.com comma, unscotchablegirl on Instagram for daily motivation. And thank you, Tiffanie, for being a wonderful host and for such a lovely conversation.

>> Tiffany: Of course, it was a pleasure having you on. And I'm going to make sure I put the links in the show notes, so anybody who wants to come and find you, they can. Because I, think what you're doing is great, and I'm going to come find you.

>> Gargi: Thank you, Tiffanie. Thanks, everybody.

>> Tiffany: I think we all know somebody who can benefit from this episode. Please make sure to share it with them. and thank you guys so much for listening to my podcast. This really means a lot to me. If one of my episodes has helped you in any way, I would really like to know. It's important for me to know that the work that I'm doing is actually helping people. If you want more of me, make sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow me on Instagram and TikTok. If you or anyone you know is in need of national hotlines, please go to truchrimeconnections.com. i have all the phone numbers there listed for anything that you could possibly imagine.

>> Gargi: All right.

>> Tiffany: My renowned roots community, keep building hope and gaining strength. Until next time.